LustingforNightmares

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2015-11-25 01:56:54 (UTC)

A Confusing Series of Words


November 25, 2015 Wednesday 12:57 AM


Ugh, this is weird. I'm typing this on Firefox when I usually use Chrome and the writing is so much bigger.

I just wasted my entire life from, like, 4:30 PM to... about now, actually. There was some space in between – like an hour – in which I read some of a book, buuuuut then I returned to my binge-watching of Steven Universe and now I feel kinda crappy and sick from staring at a screen for several hours.

I think I mostly keep watching Steven Universe for the... fuck it, I love all the characters. Steven is a lot more positive than I am, but it's nice because he reminds me of all the good people in my life and I know they're not perfect, I know they have their bad moments in which they judge others, but usually they're kind and I'm bored of this sentence.

I have to pee. I drank too much water.

My mom's friend made me food. She's from... Oh my gosh, I don't remember. I believe the middle east??? Anyway, she made me falafel (how do you spell that, I'm too lazy to open another search tab)(it might not have been falafel... but I'm pretty sure it was..........), hummus, this weird eggplant puree, and something that looked like a spicy empanada.

It was amazing.

Oh yeah. There was pita bread, too.

Anyway, it was delicious and I love my mom's friend ugh.

Tomorrow, I'm not going to school. It's a half day and during 7th period, people have to go to a pep rally (I have yet to go to a school dance OR pep rally in my high school career how lame am I? Oh, also football game. Or game in general, other than one of Laney's soccer games – or was it a practice? – forever ago).

I kinda wanted to go to school, just because I have nothing better to do and why not try to socialize??? But Laney and Lily want to go out to breakfast tomorrow morning at around 10 AM. When Laney asked if I was coming to school, I said, "Maybe..." and she was like, "VERONICA. NO."

So there goes that?

I guess I'll be with them tomorrow. Not that I mind! I just worry I'm missing stuff in school. They (meaning Lily and Laney) keep assuring me that no one does anything on half day's, but c'mon now, is that TRUE???

I have PreCalc homework due tomorrow! We're doing a really boring unit. I never thought I'd say that, seeing as how I enjoy pretty much any math assignment we're given, but it's just this stupid asymptope stuff and there's barely any actual calculation in it.

I like how my hands look when they're cold.

Remind me to ask Mr. Washington how his Thanksgiving was when I go back to school on Monday.

*screams forever*

Oh yeah. Speaking of Washington; today he said he'd take off points for those of us who did not present our projects.

Oh. Wait. You missed all that.

Um: Saturday - Liv came over, we talked, watched Over The Garden Wall, and then took a nap together (she said we're basically a married couple and oh! I just got a message from her). After that, we hung around and I did my project. Her momma picked her up and they left to go visit her family down South on Sunday.

Sunday - woke up at noon, sigh. Started my project at 1 with a break every couple hours. Finished it at 2 AM.

Didn't get to sleep until about 3 AM.

Monday - tried functioning on 3 and a half hours of sleep. I wanted to stab myself in the skull. What's worse is I felt all bloated (I'm probably getting my period next week. I don't get a lot of cramps but my body still likes to make me feel shitty yay) and nauseas so I just wasn't in the mood for anyone's shit.

Oh. But yeah, in Washington's class, I was tying my project together (literally tying. It was a book and I bound it using a pretty black ribbon) and he wanted me to present? I actually said, "Ohhhh no no no no no." I didn't realize he heard me but I guess he did so I didn't present, but Washington was disappointed.

I DON'T CARE IT'S NOT WORTH IT. I'm sorry, but

-I can work in groups if I have to
-I can work with partners if I have to
-you know what I can't do?
-speak publicly
-you know how I know this?
-I've done it. More than once, so I'm not just being dumb.

I'm the kind of public speaker who's audience feels embarrassed FOR them. It's that bad.

Today, in Roy G Biv, I decided to raise my hand (whY DID I DO THAT?? WHY? OH MY GOD. nothing bad happened, I just don't usually volunteer myself to say things with my mouth) and as I was talking, I almost had a heart attack I swear.

IT'S SO WEIRD BECAUSE I'M NOT EVEN AFRAID OF THE PEOPLE I AM SPEAKING TO. IT WAS ONLY AN AUDIENCE OF ABOUT FIFTEEN TO TWENTY PEOPLE... LESS THAN A CLASSROOM AT ANY RATE.

AND STILL, MY BODY WAS HAVING THIS FIGHT-OR-FLIGHT RESPONSE AND I'M JUST SO MAD.

My heart was sitting on my goddamn tongue and my lungs decided just then to stop doing their thing. Nice. Maybe they were afraid they'd accidentally inhale that big chunk o' muscle in my mouth. That'd be unfortunate. Thanks, lungs, for watching out for me.

oh my gosh back to the point.

Washington just doesn't understand that me presenting would have been BAD on so many levels. First of all, my project was painfully long and not even well-written (I was tired, okay? And George Mason's boring ass life pissed me off. Although I do appreciate how much importance he placed on rationality). Plus, I would have lost all feeling in my tongue, possible in my feet, so on my way up to the podium, I would trip and fall and then proceed to melt into a puddle like that one guy in the Sky High movie. I always wished I had his superpower... Just, be a puddle.

As I said previously, I had only had a few hours of sleep so my hands were shaking really bad (they shake a lot, but it was much more noticeable because I had coffee combined with... y'know.... death) and Erica was asking me if I was okay??? because my hands were shaking??

And I was like, "Oh I'm fine I'm just dying" or something along those lines since it's something stupid and dramatic and weirdly normal that I would say (it's not a pity-party type statement, I just like complaining while revealing the humor of the situation at the same time. Does that make any sense? Sometimes, it worries people though, and then I feel kinda guilty and a bit like an attention-seeker okay this is over I should sleep).

Erica was nice, though. My hands were not appropriately dealing with the ribbon situation and so she helped me out. Ah. She's James Madison, I'm George Mason. We may have been on opposite sides politically (in reality, we're both "solid liberals" according to the online test Washington made us take), but we were friends at some point (this is tru. Oh I miss Erica)... And we're both from Virginia (new york?)... Yes. Yes. So much education.

Okay. So he said he took off points for not presenting, and was like, "Next time, you HAVE to present," and wow. Just great. I'm going to talk to him about that. And don't say, "conquer your fears" or whatever because believe me; I will NEVER be a good public speaker. I'm not even a good private speaker. I can't do it! I'm not witty or relateable or whatever it is that public speakers are. I will never be a politician. It just doesn't come naturally to me (unlike George Mason).

(he was actually pretty important, though. I didn't realize it until I was FORCED to look into his WEIRD life. Normal, actually. Normal to the point of monotony, tbh. But like, people basically took his ideas and then used them for the Declaration of Independence and for the Constitution???)

(Hey. Anyone wanna know about the court case, McCulloch VS Maryland? No? Good. I'm still a bit confused myself)

UGH. So today, Washington said this, and then went on about our new mini-project on our assigned court cases (mine's from 1819, whoopee). He then said, "I want someone to present in the end. Someone who doesn't usually present."

*glares daggers at me*

"Veronica."

*glares a bit more*

I did not react, haha.

A good thing is, though, that he seemed to like my project. Loudly. I handed it to him and he started flipping through it and then, being Washington, he was like

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DIDN'T WANT TO PRESENT. THIS IS AMAZING JESUS CHRIST HOW DID YOU DO THIS, IS THIS WATERCOLOR?"

"Er, yeah."

"WHAT KIND OF ART FORM IS YOUR F A V O R I T E?"

"Pen and ink, mostly. And drawing."

"OH THIS IS GREAT, THIS IS GREAT. DO YOU KNOW MUCH ABOUT ART HISTORY?"

"I know absolutely nothing. I don't think I can even name five artists."

"YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE *blah blah blah* PERIOD?"

"Eh, what?"

"OH, OH. GO TO KHAN ACADEMY AND WATCH SOME ART HISTORY LECTURES, DO IT."

"I thought they only had math stuff?"

"!!!! NO THEY HAVE MORE!!! :D :D"

"Ooo cool I'll check it out"

"I'M SO EXCITED FOR YOU!"

Isn't he nice? See, I basked in the complimenting but he's Washington and he's got a booming voice so like EVERYONE turned around and my nerves were already on fire.

(lack of sleep = too tired to bury the anxiety and so it just spreads like wildfire throughout my body. My brains is actually really affected by the physical symptoms I get, it's annoying)

so much attention.

On one hand, it was nice, but only two or three of the pictures I drew/painted were actually good. The rest were just... Eh.. (I keep thinking about how Ann Eilbeck Mason looks like she got hit by a truck because I was experimenting with shading and just ugh, I shoulda fixed her but I didn't).

His speaking, as I said before, drew attention and some guys actually got up to look at it and I was just... embarrassed. Flattered, but also embarrassed, I dunno. I don't think I'm that good, I don't think I deserved it??? I dunno, I just felt weird about it.

They complimented me, though. Later, he put it down on the desk and then towards the end of the period, therE WAS A CROWD AROUND IT AND I WAS WILLING MY HANDS TO STOP SHAKING SO I WOULD STOP LOOKING SO DAMN NERVOUS.

Okay. That's over, haha.

Oh, Paul made a friend out of modeling clay today. He was this weird dog-like creature??? Only, his body was concave (AKA, looking down from the top, he looked like a contact lens or a soup bowl) and he only had one leg, which was just a red strip completely attached to his body haha.

His name was Jose. I loved Jose. He was thrown against the wall and tragically, died a little bit. His face was bashed in and the leg... the leg just kinda went somewhere. He is now pasted above Sandwich's door. Adrian made me a dragon friend to make me less sad, and then Lily squished my dRAGON FRIEND BY "ACCIDENT" BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT IT WAS JUST A REGULAR OL' BALL OF NOTHING.

————————

I've felt weirdly crappy these past couple days, probably because I fucked with my sleeping schedule. Anyway, in a way it's nice; it's hard to love people you barely know when you can't love yourself. And besides, I really was starting to feel creepy and so I decided to not let myself have any thoughts concerning Birdy and his physical perfection and the task has been fairly easy. As I said – pretty hard to even think about liking someone you barely know when you're fighting yourself.

Roy G Biv today was surprisingly nice... I've been really dreading it this year. I get bored and there's too much speaking and there's so much I still don't know!

(I asked Brock and some other captains what makes a gender a gender and and they said, "woah. too deep for us Veronica" haha.

What I meant was, how can you fight against gender stereotypes when you're also fitting yourself to that mold??? Hold on, let me explain fully before you judge my skepticism.

I just have a hard time wrapping myself around the inner thoughts of a trans person. I still 100% believe they are as human and deserving of rights/respect as anyone else, but I like to understand people and this seems somewhat out of my league.

I mean, what makes someone feel like a girl? Or a boy? What makes someone a girl at all? If there were no stereotypes, then what – other than biology – would separate boy from girl? I mean, I've never thought about feeling like a girl.

I've always just felt like... well, myself. Which, in a way, makes me feel lucky. Not everyone gets that automatically. I have thought about being a boy, thought about how much easier that'd be for me in some ways. And I have also been uncomfortable in my own skin, more often than I'd like to admit.

But never have I really felt like... a boy. Because I never thought they were all that different. I don't know what being a girl is supposed to feel like, though. I mean, I have some period related mood swings because that's just what happens when you have functional female sex organs. But... what ACTUALLY makes something girl or boy?

Not likes or dislikes. That has nothing to do with it. Not physical appearance, either – that has been established. So WHAT?

And see, this has been a question that has been bothering me for AGES.

I would like to know how one decides they are trans. How do they decide they are a boy or girl? How do they know that what they're feeling is them being a male or female??? I hope it's nOT associated with stereotypes. I hope it's not, 'well i like dresses and make-up so i'm a girl.'

If it is those reasons, though... is that so bad? I think I'd still accept those human beings for exactly who they are and who they want to be.

Doesn't stop me from wanting to know, though. It feels important. It feels like something that needs to be addressed. After all, how can you contradict yourself like that?

-I might be wrong about the contradiction part, depending on how being trans is determined-

Say that gender should be something with no associations? And then adopt a new gender according to what you associate it with?

I'm confused and I will peruse the internet following this entry. If you happen to have some insight on this subject, please contact me. I am always open to new information. It might be awhile before I reply, though. I've been doing other things. Documenting my life here and checking my email have been set on the backburner.)

GRRR. THE roy g biv Meeting was good. There were several trans people there. Two transmasculine folks, and the middle school custodian, a trans woman. Oh wait! There was also one of the other roy g biv captains. He's trans masculine too. Ah! And there was another person! Wait. They were gender fluid. Never mind.

Anyway, they spoke about their experience. One of the transmasculine guys was my age and works as a volunteer firefighter??? How cool is that? He hasn't gone through a transition at this point, but he's a cutie. Dimples are good.

MY SEVENTH GRADE ENGLISH TEACHER WAS THERE.

SHE REMEMBERED ME!

IT'S BEEN FIVE YEARS.

SHE REMEMBERED ME!

OH MY GOSH.

SHE ASKED IF I WAS STILL AN ARTIST. I SAID, "Yeah. I write now, too!"

AND SHE SAID, "Oh, good! Even in seventh grade, you were talented," AND MY HEART SWELLED AHHHHHHHH. She asked me about colleges too and I told her I was absolutely bewildered. Said something about Chicago.

Oh, yeah. Plus, Molly – Brock's intern, and also a friend of Stephanie's – said nice things to me. Like I said wayyyy earlier (I don't think anyone will read this far, though. So many words with so little purpose), I volunteered to speak at the meeting (I basically said I really appreciated the personal stories that were told because it was actually very enlightening to see the world through the eyes of someone with such a different experience. As you can tell from my earlier rant, I have a hard time wrapping my head around the mental part of being trans and it kind of helped me out a bit to hear what they had to say about it).

When I spoke, I awkwardly said, "annnnd yeh..." as my conclusion (bad public speaker, i repeat, bad public speaker, i was actually choking and nothing felt real).

brock said, "I like it when you talk," and Molly said, "I also like it when you talk," and she beamed at me. I LOVE MOLLY. MOLLY IS GOING TO BE AN AMAZING SOCIAL WORKER. UGH. SHE IS SO GOOD, SHE IS GOOD.

I wish all the best for her, honestly. I'm going to be really sad when she leaves at the end of the year. I remember Suzanna, the intern from last year, but I didn't know her too well. Molly, I don't know well either, but we've spent non-awkward time together and it's just good.

–––––

Ended up talking about Ethan today, kind of, which is strange. I almost never talk about him. I used to, when he first left, because I missed him. Then, I stopped. I know my reasons for stopping. I don't want to get into them, though.

I mentioned him twice.

Washington was talking about Ethan. A little anecdote in which Ethan said something rude at some point (he's insensitive, and I still get the urge to defend him, which is expected I guess) and the rest of the class offered to punch him.

Under my breath, without me really being aware that I said it out loud, I said, "I hope he got beat up."

Lily kinda turned to me and went, "... Why?"

I shrugged, unsure as to what I should say? I didn't want to tell her the truth. I've only told Liv and Adrian, and even then, the things I've said to them had some omissions. Well, I might've actually told Liv everything. Can't remember.

So I said, "He deserves it."

"Why?....."

"Because he's an asshole."

Here, Lily frowned, "But usually, you think he's an endearing asshole."

I just said, "Not anymore." and that was that.

Later, it happened again, with Sandwich.

S: Is Caroline coming home?

Me: Yeah, of course!

S: Good, tell 'er to message me on facebook or something. I wanna hang with her and Ethan.

Me: Okay I will *turns to walk away and then quickly walks back towards Sandwich* but they won't be seeing you together.

S: Uh-oh. Why? Did they get in a fight?

Me: Uh, yeah, I guess...

S: Oohh

Me: They're not going to make up this time.

[I get a little fuzzy here. I think Sandwich asked if I could tell him what happened??? But idk]

S: What happened?

Me: I don't think Caroline wants me to talk about it.

S: That's OK. I'll talk to her this weekend.

Me: Okay, bye! *walks away, does another double take* But don't talk about Ethan, okay?

S: I won't, I promise.


Sandwich is good. He reminds me of Ethan in a lot of ways, but he is much better. It's weird, though, because I don't really believe myself when I say that. Probably because I'm still not mad at Ethan.

I'm sure as soon as I see his eyes, all cold (this is how I will see the, at least), I'll be betrayed or something.

But right now, he's still on the couch playing my ukulele badly. He's still hugging me when my dog died. And he's still in the videos I took of him and Caroline on my phone, singing badly about chickens.



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