LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2015-11-20 23:00:23 (UTC)

Current Quest


10:00 PM

Forget to mention yesterday.

Yesterday was a very, very good day and I made lot's of progress on my current quest which is:

FIND OUT SANDWICH'S ACTUAL AGE.

But we shall get to that later.

SO it started out good because, um — and this is about to get really weird so I apologize to my future self for the shame she's about to feel — I got to stare at Birdy without it being weird.

He was doing a presentation and I didn't really listen to a thing he freaking said because I was mostly trying to analyze the angles of his face. See, I want to draw him so bad but I can't seem to get the tiny details. He's really kind of flawless?????

I hate crushes, wow. I notice really weird things about him and I half want to slap myself because when will I EVER need this information? Why? WHY?

Like

-his nails and knuckles are really pink
-he pushed in an empty chair today, which I found interesting because the kid I sit next to in PreCalculus – the one with pretty hands. Also, I found out he's the Superintendent's son wow – NEVER pushes in his chair.

it's kind of annoying because I'm pushed up against the heater and his chair always blocks my way out so I push it in every day when he walks away.

But Birdy just pushed in the empty chair, even though no one needed to get by (there's an aisle on either side) and no one was moving. Maybe he was just thinking about how it'd be easier to leave on THAT side because it's closer to the door and the chair was in his way????

do you see what I mean about the weirdness.

-Oh, and he did this weird clicky thing with his mouth yesterday? Washington, my super kool history teacher, was telling Birdy stuff while he stood at the podium for his presentation and he'd always click the side of his mouth and nod a bit I guess???

Lucky fucking duck. if I did that with MY face, it'd look like I was having a seizure, but HE'S probably got one of those Fibonacci Faces or whatever. Or maybe not, because I hear Fibonacci faces are super, duper average and his is way too nice to be average (I'm not even saying that because I have a crush on him, I've always thought that).

Also, he flicks his eyes up really quickly in hallways. Like, he'll look up for about 0.0001 seconds and then he's down again, below eye level, looking at nothing the way I used to do.

I look at people, now, and I don't mind making eye contact or saying hello but he walks fast with books hugged to his chest and all that. I'm pretty sure he still has more friends than me, though.

I'm going to try and STOP looking at him in the halls and stuff because I don't want to creep the guy out and, not to be cynical but, I don't have a chance with him.

Not only because he's pretty, but because he's shy and funny, from what I hear. I'm.... probably the same, minus the prettiness (don't get me wrong, I look fine, but I'm not his level like at all jesus christ i kind of want to jump him) but my sense of humor is weird and I'm quiet a lot and usually, I make friends with talkative people. People who'll fill the silences that I leave in my wake, y'know???

Wow, did that even make sense??>/e
fWAfG3AH55HA

Alright. Onto the rest of Thursday.

So, it was a good day all-in-all.

I laughed with Paul! I mentioned Paul once before, but I doubt anyone cares/remembers. He's a senior, I think, with very pretty eyes. They're moss green and so, so light, they're really beautiful.

He's got blonde hair and is kinda thick and has got this really nice smile. Crooked teeth, but I think it'd look weird any other way.

He's usually pretty quiet (oh yeah, he's part of our lunch crew that hangs out in Sandwich's room during the Juniors/Seniors lunch period) but when he talks, he's pretty funny.

I know he smokes a lot of weed but tbh I don't care.

Okay, so, it was just nice because I got to laugh with Paul about stupid stuff. Also, John. John is another Senior member of our lunch crew and he likes obscure bands (I think Joy Division and Bjork are his main thingies??? Joy Division isn't my thing but I'll probably fall in love with them in the future).

John's a gay guy who makes a shitload of gay jokes. I didn't like him at first because he's aggressive but I have learned to appreciate his humor.

So, afterschool, Alexis, John, and I went over to the College's cafeteria.

The college buildings are scattered throughout my town-city-thing and the cafeteria is only a couple blocks from the high school (my dad teaches at the college aint that kewl aint that spiffy okay im done).

So yeah, we went there and bought sushi and pizza and french fries. The food there is actually pretty high quality. We went back and feasted on our findings and then, Sandwich, John, Alexis and I all sat down at a table in the hallway to sell pottery during Parent Teacher Conferences.

Lily came later and it was a lot of fun, actually.

I expected the whole thing to be a bit dull, just sitting on the third floor's main hallway for three hours, but it wasn't????

We were always talking and making jokes and laughing. I got to call out to people a lot.

"STUDENT ARTWORK FOR SALE!!! FOR. SALE. TO BUY. WE WANT YOUR MONEY."

John was gone for, like, the last hour, wandering around with his father I guess.

I was INTERROGATING SANDWICH BECAUSE I WANT TO KNOW HOW OLD HE IS.

See, here's the mystery: once, last year, I asked him how old he was. He smirked and said, "When I turned 30, I became older than my brother for the first time..."

And no, his brother is not dead. None of the things you are thinking can explain what he said. Trust me, we've offered all the explanations we could and none of them were right. I'm pretty sure he's just lying. He said, "it has something to do with time zones." NO THATS NO JUST NO

"Yeah, if you try hard enough, you can become older than your sister"

He also called me Caroline a couple times and then said, "Sorry, it's just you're starting to look like her"

Kinda nice that he said that because the other day, Sandwich said, "Oh yeah, Caroline is just a natural beauty. Don't get me wrong, Veronica, you're pretty, you're comin' into your own, but Caroline was just born that way..."

And then Alexis said, "Stop! Don't listen to him, Veronica," and I waved her away saying it was the truth because it is.

The thing is, I'm kind of glad he said that. That week, I was freaking out about my appearance a bit (I know that's vain and I hate that I care about how I look, but I do)? I felt really ugly and kind of sad that my sister was so beautiful by nature and then I'm just... not? Caroline is just better than me at most things and it, ugh, it just. I'm like a defective version of her, haha.

But anyway, I brought this up to my parents and they didn't deny that she's prettier and didn't really argue when I called myself ugly, they just said, "You have pretty eyes..."

And that's just WORSE than outright admitting Caroline is beautiful and I'm not. At least Sandwich actually SAID it. At least he was actually honest. It still kinda made me want to cry, but I was already in a bad mood that day. Sandwich brought me chili, though, and that chili was super good. Mmm.

Point is, yesterday he said I was starting to look like her and I appreciate that. He said, "Yeah, last year you were kinda gawky, but now you're starting to look like Caroline"

And then Adrian, who was standing by the table, was like, "Yeah..."

We started this whole conversation about past selves and I was like, "Adrian, no, I don't even wanna think about my last year self haha"

Something that bothers me about Adrian is how apologetic he is when it comes to insults, I guess?? Like, he can go ahead and say I looked weird last year and I'd be fine, but he says it while looking.... yeah, apologetic. And I don't like that!!!

I'm not offended!!! He acted that way when I said I disliked my painting project last year, too. He did that thing with his eyebrows that I hate where he draws them up in the middle and looks real "sincere" (it's SUPPOSED to convey sincerity. it doesn't, really) and said, "yeah.... you've done... better..." and then he wanted to go into detail about how it wasn't that good and I???

Yes, I know it wasn't my best work which is why I don't like it and if he were anyone else, I wouldn't mind the constructive criticism, but it's the FACT that he looks so damn sorry that sets me off.

That's so weird, why am I so moody, god.

But yeah. I think I dislike Adrian's way of criticizing because he's TRYING to seem like he's really sorry to say something, but he's not – the apologetic mask is purely for those on the receiving end of his words.

That might be entirely inaccurate. He might actually feel guilty for saying that stuff. Stop being guilty, Adrian! Shush! I'm not offended! I've spent a lot of time with people who've said worse. Don't assume I'm offended unless I reply sarcastically!!!!

Okay. Moving on.

Um, yep, so back to the Sandwich Age Mystery.

I've seen a school document that said he was born in 1929 and his facebook says he was born in 1927: but here's the thing, Sandwich is DEFINITELY not that old.

At the oldest, he's in his late fifties. Youngest, he could be in his early to mid thirties.

That's what made me curious in the first place; Sandwich has an ageless face. It's so hard to tell if he's old or not.

So far, I know this

-he was not born in the late 1920s goddammit, he's not in his eighties
-he doesn't know where he was in the 1980's
-he lived in Seattle during the late 1990s and the early 2000s. He was there when my family lived in Seattle! That's so weird! Also, he was there when someone tried to bomb the Space Needle. *shudder* the space needle is freaky. I kept feeling like I'd fall over the edge and into the net
-when he lived in Seattle, he was old enough to
1)have a teaching job
2)have his son (his son is 16 or 17, a junior in high school, like me)
3)have his ex-wife

-I believe he said he graduated college at age 26??? 20-something at any rate
-he's worked in my high school for???? 11 years I think? I'll ask again. Oh, he's also the district's art director, ain't that kewl?

Yup, okay. I should get red yarn, push pins, and a corkboard so I can make one of those cool crime maps.

My cat is purring at me. She is trying to entice me. Well, I won't fall for your tricks Keeko... not until I'm done writing at least, haha.

Yep, okay, but then Sandwich got really personal!!!!

He starting talking, really sincerely, about how in love he is with his girlfriend of 6 to 7 years??? Ah, isn't that so nice? He really was being genuine.

I'm glad he opened up like that because he reminds me of Ethan and... He keeps mentioning Ethan and I keep laughing like everything's normal but it's not. Ethan is wrong, he's wrong, he needs help and it's not okay. I hate that people mention him to me, now. I want to tell them how much of an asshole he is, wanna slap them and then I wanna cry because I don't even believe he's that bad.

But he is. He is.

Ugh.

Sandwich isn't like him. Right?

I know so many people who, in the past, have reminded me of Ethan and now I hate it.

Okay.

So yeah, yesterday was a really good day. I talked with Adrian's mom, Ms. Photographer Lady, a bit. She's so nice wow. I like her. Also, i found ouT TODAY THAT SHE HAD MODEST MOUSE'S ALBUM, THE MOON AND ANTARCTICA AHPWGJARUNGLIB I'M EXCITED ADRIAN'S MOM IS SO COOL WOW.

Okay.

Bye. Dad's calling me. He sounds like a Myna bird. I must make the sounds stop.

————

11:29 PM

I kinda just got into a fight with my dad (this time, it was for a good reason). He came up to apologize like twenty minutes ago and I'm calm again.

He took the lube out of the room.... I'm really disturbed, haha. I mean, for some reason, there was lube in the room I am sitting in, next to a box of tissues....... I don't want to know. Good thing I'm not a boy, though. That'd look mighty suspicious.

The argument was basically about my future and me needing help figuring things out and my dad kept dismissing me and my fears so I got really pissed????

I know I sounded hysterical, which is shameful — sigh, but I had a good reason. This is my FUTURE and my parents aren't putting enough effort in!

When I have too much to do, I shut down, and that's why I need their help and encouragement. My parents have done a wonderful job fostering independent children, but I really need some guidance for once!

I'm freaked out.

And my dad just, ugh, kept telling me to go away and kept asking me what I wanted to do and I'd say I didn't know but that was the point!!! I don't KNOW what I'm doing! THAT'S why i need help!! And he was like, "Well, if you don't know, I can't help you,"

UGH.

I'm chill, though. He came up and apologized or something but I hadn't forgiven him when he first came upstairs because, before I left the argument, he'd said I was being irrational and YES, he was right. I WAS being irrational, but I had a right!

I had a right to be stressed and afraid and I hate having to restrain myself all the time.

I'm always holding my feelings back and trying to smother them — except for in this diary. I'm always trying to appear calm and trying to stay mature, independent, clear-minded, whatever.

But fuck no! No! I'm tired of that! I get to cry this time. I get to be super fucking nervous, this is my enTIRE FUTURE. And they're my parents, they should be helping me! They should be taking care of me! Not always, because I can usually handle myself and my responsibilities, but when it comes to this... Ugh. Ugh. I know they're only human, so it's fine, but I'm still kind of frustrated.

They're kind of really great parents, though.

Okay, I'm gonna go downstairs and get an apple turnover and let my dad know I'm not mad at him.

I'm happy. Sorry to end this on a kind of sour note???? Just think about my kitty, purring at me loudly. She's good, very good.

Liv's coming over tomorrow. I'm happy about that. We shall snuggle and it shall be wonderful.



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