LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
2015-11-20 12:59:37 (UTC)

Strange Sensations


"An Apology From Dog to Cat Concerning a Comment Made Earlier 'bout Cats Breath" by Modest Mouse

[OH MY GOD THIS SONG IS FROM A REALLY FUCKING OLD ALBUM OF THEIRS SO THE QUALITY SUCKS – it was recorded on cassette – AND I LOVE THE TITLE. IT SOUNDS SO MODEST MOUSE-Y, SO SAD AND COLD AND UGH THIS IS PERFECT IT'S PERFECT I DON'T EVEN MIND THE STATIC]

November 20, 2015 Friday 12:09 PM


She has settled in my stomach and it doesn't even feel like a weight anymore. I'll carry her. It'll be okay, even though I'll always wish she could stand on her own.
_____

THE FOLLOWING IS ABOUT ADRIAN.

We had a half day (parent teacher conferences), and that is why I am writing here at noon on a Friday. I'm kinda left with a sad punch in the heart, but everything else is OK.

Didn't I have words a few seconds ago?

Adrian asked me if he could read something I wrote I guess. He said, "I have yet to read anything you've written," and I said, "Oh, it's not interesting anyway."

Him: I have a hard time believing that, with how much time you spend writing, it's uninteresting

Me: Anything's possible

And then I got up to go throw away my sandwich scraps. He gave me half his sandwich because I didn't eat breakfast and let's just thank Adrian for this, alright?

Sometimes, I wish he were more genuine, though. I like him best when awareness slips away. When that happens, he's honest and funny and interesting. Unfortunately, that's kinda rare.

He IS funny and interesting, but... I always get the feeling he's trying too hard or he's hiding something I guess. Like I've said, I'm pretty quiet. When I have energy, I talk more and I'm a lot more animated, but most of the time I'm just normal. And my normal includes many silences.

Even though I've known Adrian for awhile now (maybe a year or a little less), he still seems uncomfortable with my quietness, which bothers me a little because I don't want to have to TRY.

I like my friendships to be easy. I mean, of course they're going to be hard times, but most of it should come naturally. I hate having to force relationships.

I can't do it. I can never do things that I don't want to do. In a way, it's nice because it keeps me from being too disingenuous. But I mean, I miss Aaron (do you guys remember Aaron? She was one of my best friends in elementary and middle school. She moved last year but only a city away).

Yeah okay anyway I miss Aaron. I miss her, but I can't talk to her. I have her number and facebook and every other way to contact her, but we just can't talk anymore.

At some point, it got difficult. It got awkward and shaky and not even in the Potential Friendship kind of way. We stopped being able to laugh freely and talk easily and so now we're not really friends anymore.

She tries to hang out with me and I avoid it.

I try to converse with her and it always ends in an "LOL" from her end or an "OK" or "HA" or something equally difficult to reply to. It was just way to difficult for me and that's why it's gone now. I wish it wasn't. I wish nothing changed, but something did and we just don't fit anymore.

UGH BACK TO THE POINT. Adrian still feels like he has to TRY, but he doesn't! I like quiet! He doesn't NEED to be interesting and unique and special or whatever.

When you're always trying to be quirky, it makes you seem... a bit fake.

Like, he says stuff in unnecessarily complicated ways sometimes and I can't help but think it's because he thinks that how I talk all the time.

Like, "I want to be swallowed by the trees" or something.

Actually, I kinda do want to be swallowed by the trees oops that wasn't a good example.

Shit, I really DO say stuff like that a lot, but I really mean it. Doesn't it sound try-hard? I hope not because I'm not going to stop. It's just part of how I communicate.

But that doesn't mean I try to make EVERYTHING idiosyncratic. Sometimes, I think, it might sound like I'm just trying to be artsy but I'm not!! I'm really not!!!! When I'm like that, it's doesn't feel right to say things in any other way???

Maybe it's like that for Adrian, but I get the feeling it's a mask. 'Cause sometimes, the weird stuff he says is actually good and nice and stuff, but other times, "he's trying to be deep" (quoting Liv here).

———————

6:55 PM


Help is such a funny word.

———————

"Tossing Weight" by Modest Mouse

9:08 PM

Dude, let's all think about how blue the world is.

And how last year, it snowed on Thanksgiving day. And how I was dressed in sweats and a big plaid shirt. I cooked the stuffing and peeled potatoes and made pecan pie.

But it was still all about the sky and how everything was blue and white and cold and quiet and it was just real, real good. It was just me and my momma and thoughts of you and thoughts of everyone else, too.

The world should always be that blue.

The sun is good and fine, the sun is good and fine, but I never seem to be in the mood for it unless it's sliding in angles or spitting light on tree tops. Clouds, a sky made of clouds, that is always good. It's all gray and depressing, but so good. The shadows are all gone, y'know, and when everything is that uniform shade, it's all okay because nothing can be so dark anymore.

I like the five o'clock winter colors, too. I'll be leaving school late after a club meeting or something and there'll be long streaks of pink and orange and all this crazy, crazy stuff. Pretty, pretty purples and they're always associated with skin. It's bruised, is what it is. Bruised.

Summer sun. Summer sun is good, with all it's gold and rays that hug, but it's not what I want right now.

I want the white hot light and the dark clouds and the blueish tint of early mornings and the reluctance to get out of bed, the coats and the tingling of ears and fingers when you go outside. All that misery and more, and it's so good because I'm older and younger at the same time, now, so I can cook hot chocolate and throw myself down onto the couch and I desperately need someone to be there with me. Enjoy the pressing silence with me, it's so good.

This is the first year I won't be able to pad across the carpet; it's gone now, ripped up after April died and I almost cried about that earlier.

Oh, yeah. I saw Pat on Sunday for the first time since... late July? Early August?

Yeah, and I cried by accident, oops.

I really didn't mean to but I've been really stressed and it's starting to show, I guess. I told her about Ethan and Caroline (it's killing me a little) and then I told her about how worried I am

Worried that I won't make it. I will LIVE, that is something I am relatively certain of now. I don't think I'll be dead in ten years anymore, I want to be alive.

But I DO think that I will... I mean, I just don't think I'll get what I want. I just don't think I have it in me to make it where I want to make it.

And what's worse is that I feel like I needed help and no one helped me. With my future, that is. All these people around me (Liv and Meekah and stuff) have adults recommending them for clubs and trips and signing them up for tests, explaining how things work, and I'm so envious because no one ever did this for me.

No one ever offered these kinds of opportunities to me and I don't know WHY because I have straight A's (I've been in the top ten honor roll students for years now) and I'm willing to work.

Gosh, I just wish someone had TRIED for me. Had guided me or something! Had told me what was going to happen as I got older, had signed me up for all the clubs and classes and all that shit.

But no one asked or guided and I didn't know any better!

I didn't know these clubs or classes existed and I didn't know anything about the SATs or anything, anything, anything at all!!!!!!! Anything!!!

And I'm just so mad! And really scared, because I... I'm good at faking it.

I've been telling Pat since I started seeing her, I don't TRY in school. I don't HAVE to try very often – it's so easy for me. Even when something is hard and I don't understand it, I get better grades than most kids and it's just so easy. But even though it's easy, I don't think I'm smart enough to skip the class... I just need it to be faster.

I rarely EVER study because it's not necessary for me and I wish, I wish, I wish I had pushed myself.

I wish I had skipped a year or two of Spanish, but I didn't know you could take the tests and skip a class year and now it's too late because I'm finally learning things that I previously didn't understand and I wasted years on bullshit I didn't even need.

ughghghghghghhghgg I didn't know I could take more than one science class I didn't know I could drop lunch I didn't know I didn't know I didn't know and god fucking dammit, I'm so pissed!

I'm so pissed off!

And people won't even LET me be pissed, even though I have a right!

I just started getting angry, just started realizing that I've been doing most of these things alone and they say, "Don't worry, calm down, you've got help! I'm right here!"

But they don't understand! I needed help with this YEARS ago – I needed to start on this path at least two years ago, but I didn't because I didn't know until this fucking year.

Look, I know I shouldn't dwell, but I just want to be angry for a little while. Just a little while. The more I try to suppress it, the larger it will grow, so why don't people just let me feel things for awhile?

Why do they try to make me feel guilty or like I'm overreacting?

Oh, and now I'm pissed again because this guilting and whatnot, THAT is what made me think, "Oh. Well, I guess I shouldn't show feelings."

AND DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT WAS TO GET OVER?

DO YOU KNOW HOW ISOLATED I FELT WHILE I WAS PRACTICING THAT?

God, god, god, god, I'm angry.

I'M NOT EVEN OVER IT. I STILL HAVE A REALLY HARD TIME SHOWING PEOPLE HOW I FEEL. IT'S MUCH EASIER, BUT IT'S NOT EXACTLY... EASY.

Ugh.

I want to punch something and not feel guilty for once. Why is it so bad to be mad!??!?!?

if I decide to subject children to life (meaning if I choose to have kids, though that decision would sUCK for them so I'm guessing I won't do it), I will not let them do this by themselves.

I don't know what colleges want, but I know it's not me.

They want a socially adept semi-genius (well, okay, the genius part is probably not a requisite) and I'm not any of those things. I have average intelligence, terrible work ethic, and I'm not a people person.

I make friends VERY, VERY slowly and it just sucks. I am looking forward to going to college, but at the same time...

I was talking to my dad today and telling him about how hard it is for me to read and understand english sometimes???

Like, people will say or ask me things and I have to replay their words in my brain a couple times before it makes sense. And yeah, I read a lot, but it's kind of hard for me because I zone out after a paragraph or so.

I'm perfectly fine in school, but school is so easy! I have a 98 in A.P. US History and I've been half-assing it! I'm ashamed of that fact because I really enjoy that class and the teacher is the coolest (not including Sandwich of course).

I'm not even that smart, it's just that classes in my high school are not hard. Ugh, and college is more. More than that.

Anyway, in reply to what I said about having a hard time processing words and stuff, my dad said stuff about ADD and I was like, "Dad, I don't have ADD?????? I do fine in school?"

But it still made me paranoid because ADD is something that has cropped up in my family, including in my sister and cousin Daxton. Also, it takes me forever to do homework because I get distracted so easily and god god god.

I don't have ADD. ADD is something that hinders people. I am doing fine.

Any disorder is only in need of diagnosis if it interferes in your life. That is why I'm not bipolar, even with mood swings (mood swings that might have to do with GAD anyway. THAT is a necessary diagnosis because it regularly fucks with my entire livelihood so there).

Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. I'm just gonna fail. I'm gonna fail. I've barely done any homework this week, other than PreCalc and I only do that because I enjoy it. It's easy, it's almost mindless in a way. It distracts me from normal thoughts and instead keeps me focused on this one goal and I also just really enjoy doing mental math and trying to get answers as quickly and accurately as possible.

Dad's trying to teach me Calculus. He assigned me some homework and I'm going to go do it after I finish writing this. I need to get away from this head of mine, sigh.

TO SUM UP:

I'm average and colleges aren't looking for people like me and I'm just going to go nowhere in my life, aren't I?

Also, I'm depressed about some... things in my life being dead, and then I get even sadder because I feel like it's too late to complain. Who'll listen to me at this point, y'know? It's killing me, always, unexpectedly. Today it was triggered by a towel and the sky.

Oh, yeah, and I'm in love with the sky and November is wonderful because it's full of blue light. Everything is ugly and beautiful at the same time.

One day, I'm going to move to Minnesota. The summers aren't so irritatingly hot and I like colder weather. I wonder what it's like, living there. I remember my visits, I remember it being very green. Both times were summer, though. I've only heard about Minnesota winters from my dad and Fargo (the movie).

I also like Minnesota accents. They're so.. I dunno, square. I've been thinking about Minnesota for years, now, ever since we visited that first time and we wandered around my dad's old college campus (oh yeah, I kinda wanted to go to his school). One time, we went and the mosquitos chased us in clouds. Plus, this big black beetle decided to invade our tent, but y'know what?

I forgive you, Minnesota. I forgive you.

OH YEAH.

DID I TELL YOU THAT ADRAIN SAID I LOOKED ELVEN???? HE THEN SAID, "yeah. Yeah, you're a wood elf" AND WOW OKAY I'M REALLY REALLY HAPPY HE SAID THAT I WAS EXCITED.

He said that because he'd been talking about how I'm one of the only people he's seen who looks good with their ear peeking out of their hair.

(I push my hair behind my ears a lot, but it's pretty silky and so it slides out of place really easily. As a result, there ends up being hair on either side and my ear pokes out).

He said it looked kinda pointy, like an elf's ear and I'M SO HAPPY I'M A WOOD ELF????? I'M HAPPY THAT HE THOUGHT THAT JUST KNOWING ME AND NOT KNOWING ELISE (just bc i have been compared to her that way and, don't get me wrong, I like it but I don't want to take that away from her, is that at all logical? probably not. Does it make sense?????? Maybe????) AND SOMEHOW I'M ASSOCIATED WITH NATURE-Y THINGS LIKE THAT THIS IS GREAT

AOGHUEHNLGIHGWRUIAHGAIUHGUI SOMETIMES ADRIAN SAYS REALLY REALLY GOOD THINGS. LIKE THE BEST THINGS. HIS COMPLIMENTS ARE REALLY GOOD.

SIGH.

Okay. I need to go, now, because I've been writing this for years.

I've been thinking about dying. I hadn't written for awhile and was worried the last thing I ever wrote would be sad and cynical and just ugh. I mean, I'm happy. Stressed and worried and experiencing weird stomach pains since September, but happy.

Oh, please contact me when you're ready, if you're reading this. I don't have to help you if you don't want me to, I can just be there to talk to. And if you don't want to talk, I'll leave you alone and/or send you some pictures that I like because I'm annoying.

But yeah.

——————

ANNNND now to Appreciate my Chemistry teacher, Mr. Flan.

At first, I thought he was going to be a super boring teacher, but he's got this little smirk on his face all the time and he's really sarcastic but everything he says comes out soft and nice, even when it's kinda mean. Does that make sense?

He tells us to "shut up" but it's not even offensive in the slightest because he still has that chill look on his face and the little smirk, too, and it's good.

Mr. Flan also wrinkles his face a bit and says, "Does that make sense?" several times a class period(I SAY THAT TOO WOW).

His eyes are also insanely blue, it's pretty nice.

Yeah, he has kids and I bet he's a really good dad.

I don't know him too well but one time, I made him laugh when I saw a picture of Bean from... Even Stevens I think???.... but I couldn't remember what show he was in and so I said,

"Oh! Oh! I know that guy, oh my gosh!!! He's, uh... He's that weird kid from that one show!"

And Mr. Flan laughed, "yeah, that weird kid from that one show, totally clears THAT up"

Anyway, my teachers have senses of humor and it makes me happy.




Ad:0
Digital Ocean
Providing developers and businesses with a reliable, easy-to-use cloud computing platform of virtual servers (Droplets), object storage ( Spaces), and more.