Cheese

Story of a Girl
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2015-11-19 22:26:06 (UTC)

Sorry

Y'know, it made me a little bit happy when Mari asked why I always wear long sleeved shirt.

It was weeks ago, but it still makes me happy to know that someone noticed and bothered to ask. She asked why I was crying and I told her some of the things I had told the counselors. And after I mentioned the self-harming, she grabbed my arm and pulled up my sleeves and asked, "Oh my god, is that why you always wear long sleeves?" It made me a little more happy to know that someone noticed I never wear short sleeves. It probably doesn't mean anything to the next person, but I appreciated that she took notice. And like I told her, I don't self harm, even though I think about it. What I never tell anyone is that I wear long sleeves because I'm extremely self-conscious about my arms. It's something that I wasn't self-concious about until high school and now I can't seem to get over it. But my point is, I felt like she really noticed the small things about it. It made me feel like I actually have some kind of value, to be noticed. When the counselors asked my dad, "What does your daughter like to do?" He didn't answer. He just told them, "She's on her phone a lot." I enjoy READING (done on my phone for e-books), listening to music, DRAWING (occasionally on my phone, too), coding, and helping others. Those are my most noticeable likes. The fact that my own father didn't know my likes made me feel a lot more worthless than ever, and I'm never going to forget that. He's all talk about how he "knows me" like the back of his hand but the truth is, he doesn't know shit about me. He doesn't know that I enjoy listening to french rap music, or that I have a journal dedicated to my stupid doodles and sketches and that I have a silly "comedic" comic based on Guy's punny responses to stupid questions/Guy and Elías' conversations. He doesn't know that my favorite color is lavender/purple (EVEN THOUGH MY ROOM IS FUCKING LAVENDER) because he continues to buy me things in pink, and that I prefer vanilla over chocolate, and milk chocolate over dark chocolate. The reason why I'm always asking to go on errands with him is so that I can go out and "explore" the city I've lived in for so long and still not know anything about. He doesn't know that I want to travel all over Europe (the world) and that I help people because helping people makes me happy, and I don't do it because "I'm stupid". But, of course, my dad OBVIOUSLY knows me. And whenever he's arguing with me he'll pull up the same bullshit, "I know you, and I know you'd do something like that." NO, he doesn't know a single thing about me. We might live in the same house but he has never once asked me what I enjoy to do in my free time, or what my favorite subject in school is. The only thing he knows about me is that I react negatively to just about anything... which isn't true unless if I'm dealing with him.

This whole thing started yesterday after he picked me up from school. For a year now, I've been asking for a desktop. He got me a laptop back in 2012-2013 but he bought it used. The battery drained easily, the laptop was already damaged, and the charger was literally falling apart and the only thing keeping it together was a single strip of tape. I went through a second battery that I bought on amazon, and then the wifi thing stopped working. My screen ended up freezing on the startup so I couldn't even turn it on. We had it checked out and apparently windows crashed, and then it stopped turning on completely. I used to play Sims on my laptop so I figured a desktop would handle it better, so I asked for one. Plus, I could use it for my schoolwork and with the new printer, I could print out my essays for class. Sooooo, for Christmas this year, my dad agreed to buy me the computer I wanted. I had already looked up several computers but the one I really liked was about $550 total, but it has all the features I'm looking for, and more. My dad wanted to buy the computer right away with the money he has before he spends it, so he was going to take me to a shop to look at it. Well, after I showed him the price, he refused to get it for me. He'd rather buy me a $100-$200 computer. No. No no. It wasn't going to work. He bought me a shitty, cheap laptop and look how that turned out. And from the SAME PLACE, too. This lead to a whole argument about him not having enough money and him accusing me of how I control HIS money. He says he doesn't have enough money... yet, he bought another car and is going to PURCHASE ANOTHER, he spent over $3000 on two trailers and some smaller supplies that he's going to be SELLING again because he doesn't use them. But, he doesn't have the money to get me a desktop? I understand that he doesn't have money to get me a desktop. What frustrates me is that he magically has money whenever HE needs to buy something that he won't use more than three times. But when it comes to me it's like, "Hey sorry, I can't afford to pay for the online class you need for school." It's not like it's a necessity, right? But it's okay if he spends five hundred dollars on a pair of boots he's never going to wear again.

So, we made a stop at some place. I guess I was hurt, but it wasn't because of him refusing to buy me the computer. I was hurt because he belittled me. HE makes me feel like I'm inferior to everyone else. He makes me feel like I can't have any issues because the issues of everyone else are so much more important. I'm not allowed to feel bad for myself, and my emotions don't matter because someone else's emotions are a lot more important than mine. He does this in every fucking argument, even when we're NOT arguing and I'm tired of being put aside by him. I don't care if he won't buy me the computer. What bothered me was that he just started making me feel inferior to everyone in the world. And it's not just that. He ALWAYS has to embarrass me in front of people. A few weeks ago, we stopped at a yard sale and the lady was selling him a coffee table. He asked me for my opinion and I told him it'd look great in black and he just started laughing at me and making fun of my opinion. The lady gave me a nervous smile while my dad kept talking about my opinion being "silly" and it made me feel horrible. He was embarrassing me and to him, it was okay. And then in the car he had the nerve to ask me, "are you mad at me? Why are you mad at me?" My opinions don't matter, because everything that I think and say is stupid. And then he does this thing where he's on the phone and he'll make me sound like a bad person to the person he's talking to. And if I'm not in the room, he'll make sure to come into my room so I hear him say what I did to the person on the line. He'll look at me and go, "Well, BIANCA REFUSED to help me after I asked so politely for her help. She's a HORRIBLE, UGLY CHILD and I'm just about ready to ABANDON HER." He loves to twist the way things happened so he can sound like the victim. I just want to know WHY he even bothers to ask for my opinion when he's just going to laugh it off because he thinks my opinion is stupid. He likes embarrassing me and it makes me feel like I'm a fucking idiot. I know I'm idiot but I don't want to feel any worse about it than I already do. And you know what? He doesn't care about me. Or my well-being. He spent over $300 on a trip to the clinic because his head hurt. I had stomach pain for two weeks in a row and I complained nearly every day but NO ONE got me checked out. My mom wanted to take me to the ER but she wanted me to fake my pain in order to get in--I'm sorry that I don't make my pain expression visible. The pain went away on its own eventually, but what if it were serious? What if I had died? I wish that would've been the case. I wouldn't have to be sitting here, feeling sorry for ever having been born.

And then the counselors told my dad that I needed a counselor outside of school. It's been about a month and he has yet to make an appointment. Honestly, my mom is the one putting more effort into this than my dad. She found a counselor who's charging $70 per appointment so money is the reason why she hasn't made an official appointment but my dad doesn't give a rats ass about me. BUT SURE, he has a headache and suddenly it's a matter of life or death. But I guess it's not the same for me, huh? He doesn't need to lose an arm and a leg to make sure he has the money to pay for an appointment but HELL, he didn't even TRY to find me a counselor and that upsets me. I guess I know where I stand.

I'm a burden.

I can't even ask for a single chocolate bar at the store because either one of my parents will just say, "You always want everything! Don't you see we don't have any money?" I'm too expensive to take care of to the point where asking for a chocolate bar means not paying rent for the month. And it's this exact reason why whenever I go out with a friend and they invite me to something they always tell me to stop being shy. "But I'm PAYING for you. Just get whatever you want." And this is a constant battle with Elías, too. He plans out dates and I usually say, "I don't have any money to go out, though." And he always replies with, "It's a date. I'M PAYING FOR YOU." Nooo nononoooo. I don't want you to pay for me. I don't want to be a burden and leave you without any money. It's your money, and you shouldn't spend it on me. I'm expensive to handle and I'm so sorry so just please don't offer me anything, please. I don't want to be a burden, to anyone. I don't want to feel like a burden. I want to be able to help people and make them feel better, not make people dislike me because I ask for too much.

I'm upset. I don't have the right to be upset but I feel upset and I want to disappear from this universe. I want to forget that I exist because all I'm doing is using up resources that other, better, people desperately need.

One day, I will succeed in dying. I'm going to do it. I've got my plans, and now all I need is money to go through with it. And when I die, it's going to be where no one can stop me. And I won't want either of my parents being near my corpse. I don't want them suddenly claiming that I was a happy child and that they "loved me oh so much" because that's bullshit. They're both at fault for helping to fuel the fire inside of me. I always hated myself, but they just proved that even the people who created me don't like me. But that's okay. I just need to wait a few more years. Maybe even less, if I ever grow the balls to go through with it. I could easily kill myself right now, but I want to finish high school first. At least, maybe then, I have the right to say I accomplished something in my life, something neither of my parents could accomplish.

And it's times like this where I think I understand Trey. I've always thought he was selfish, but now I see things from a different perspective. Maybe I understand what he meant. No one really gives a shit.

My sisters all think I'm some kind of heartless because I don't show any emotion. I don't get scared, and I don't cry. I don't show any happiness or excitement, because I only have one expression and that's the expression of emptiness. And these aren't my words, they're theirs. I'm an empty casket without a soul. My friends think I'm cold and distant and my parents want me to be more optimistic and cheerful. I don't know how to be any of these. I don't know how to be happier, and I don't know how to show emotion. I DON'T KNOW HOW. But for my entire life, I've learned that not showing emotion is the way to go. No one cares about my emotions, so I might as well not show them at all. My sisters think that I don't let things get to me, but they're so wrong. I worry about everything. I care about everything. And I let the stress and anger and sadness build up until the only way I can deal with my emotions is to cry it out when no one is around. If people are around, they'll pretend to care but they really don't. They'll hug me because it's only appropriate but I'm not used to physical touching like hugs. I'm not used to being shown affection. I'm not used to anything like that so please stop hugging me and please stop showing me affection because I don't know how to process it or how respond to any of that. It's all foreign to me and I don't know how to respond. My parents still don't know this about me. "Why don't you ever hug back?" "Why don't you ever say I love you?" "That girl tried to hug her, why did you just stand there?" "You're too distant. You're weird." I don't know how to respond and I'm so so sorry but I don't know what to do and I'm sorry that I've been this way all my life.

I'm sorry but I don't know how to deal with affection.

Why am I like this?

Does everyone think that I'm apathetic? How can I learn to show more emotion? More expression? I don't know how and it bothers me.

I hate myself so, so much. I've hated myself since elementary school but I never knew what self-hatred was until 8th grade. I don't want to be a burden, and I don't want to feel worthless and inferior. But I have no value, and I AM an idiot, and it makes me feel worse to know that it's true and I want to understand why I feel this way about myself. Sometimes I feel like I can't even write about my own emotions, even though this is MY journal and I should be free to write about whatever I want. So, why do I feel like I have to hide my own emotions from myself? Why am I so selective about what I share with myself? Is it because I don't want to admit that I think this way? I want to know why I feel this way and I want these bad thoughts to go away. I'm afraid of my own shadow for fuck's sake.

I'm a failure. I wish I weren't, though. I've failed as a student who doesn't have a high ranking. I've failed as a girlfriend for being so distant. I've failed as a daughter for being a burden in every way. I've failed as a human being overall. I fail at everything I put my mind to and for once, I'd like to accomplish something.

Why am I so sensitive? Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel so strongly about drinking bleach or standing in front of a bus? I hate crying, and I wish I didn't have to. My dad called because he's on his way from work and I was trying not to choke up because if he knew I was going through "self pity" again, he'd just start to make fun of me for being an idiot. I feel even more worthless now--I'm supposed to be the positive influence on El. I do my best to comfort him and make sure he never has to feel this way... but now he's doing my job. He shouldn't be the one sending me comforting messages, he shouldn't be the one staying up until midnight on the phone with me to make sure I fall asleep peacefully, and he shouldn't be calling every other hour to make sure I'm okay. I should be the one doodling our future together, I should be the one looking at him through facetime and reminding him everything will be okay, and I should be the one telling him that I want him in my life. I should be the one making sure he's okay. He shouldn't have to worry about me. I'm so sorry. I just really need to get over this obstacle. I just really want to go away for a while.

I have homework that I should've been doing an hour ago but I really needed to calm myself down. I want to start but I don't want to get any tears on my paper because I hate the way the paper "crumbles" up once it's dry.

I'm sorry that I even bothered to ask for a gallon of milk. I didn't know it'd be such a big problem. If I had known, I wouldn't have asked at all. Thanks for reminding me that I'm a burden on this family.


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