Sarah

dying fears and broken tears
2015-10-25 12:43:42 (UTC)

Long Time

It's been a long time since I've used this thing. I'd honestly forgotten about it. But I'm starting to have some issues again so I figure I'll start writing again to see if that at least helps me sort out my thoughts a little. Probably won't, but it's worth a shot I guess.

To start out with a bit of an update, I'm now married and the mother of two children. I have my own home with my husband, and he is my soulmate. My daughter is four and a half, my son is fifteen months. While my husband is not the biological father of my daughter, he has completely taken over that role and she remembers no one other than him. She doesn't remember that he wasn't there for the first two years of her life, thank goodness. Her biological father has never been in the picture. He's seen her all of four times, the last being when she was nine months old. I'm not surprised though, as soon as I found out I was pregnant I knew he would never be there and I'm quite happy with that.

That pretty much brings us back to now. My major issues are that of isolation, body image, and anxiety. I know I sound like a broken record because I keep hearing these thoughts in my head, but I can't seem to get them out and move on. I don't want to say anything to my husband because I don't want to put any more stress on him. He works so hard to provide and I feel like if I say anything then that will make him feel like he's not doing good enough and he is, this is just my own mental hang up. I've always had issues with depression and loneliness. High school was not a good time for me and afterwards I know I went a little crazy. I found a new family working at a haunted house and that became my life for the next few years. But then I got pregnant, and all that changed. I lost my job and had to find something else, and then I wasn't able to be a part of that family anymore. I miss it, and I know that part of me blames my children for not being able to go out, and I know that that's a cop out, an easy excuse. I fear being rejected, so I don't even make an effort. I feel and watch myself shrink into me, just so I can hide away from everyone.

Then come the body issues. Thanks to have multiple babies, I'm now the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I need to lose eighty pounds to get back to a healthy weight and I can't seem to stick to anything to make that happen. I'll try to cut out sodas and sugary things, but when I don't see any results fairly quickly I give up. I put the weight on so quickly, why can't I take it off quickly. I get discouraged so easily, and even when I ask for help, that tends to be overlooked. I need someone to tell me what to do and what to eat, but all I get is do what you want. I need direction, to be told exactly what to do. I can follow directions, but when I have no guidance I flounder. Which makes me sink even farther into depression because I can't do anything right. I have almost no self control it seems.

I must be leaving for now, but I should be back soon.




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