Nick's Journal
2015-11-08 19:23:11 (UTC)

Just Feeling Irritable

I guess I should go ahead and write about it. Apparently that helps bad moods. Shitty moods. I don't know why, but today I just woke up in a funk. Just from the moment I opened my eyes I was in a crappy mood.

Today is Day 82 of my sobriety. We went to one of those speaker meetings yesterday. Speaker meetings are different from regular AA meetings in that they have....well, a speaker, rather than multiple people sharing their stories.

It was nice going and twice as nice to be able to go with J. I hope that she gives Al-Anon another chance, she had a really shitty experience with it the first time around.

But I'm rambling, back to my bad mood. It's just super frustrating, I know that it is my brain chemistry and that I will have days like this, but that doesn't make it any less shitty while it's happening. It's so weird, like I can't even describe how I feel right now. Just constant agitation and being annoyed at everything and everyone for no fucking reason.

It's an exhausting way to spend a day.

And of course what's more frustrating is simply that I don't know how to shake it. I went on a walk, I had some breakfast, I guess I just have to let time make it pass.

i guess i could write about something else to take my mind off of how irritable I feel. let me write about my experience with two drug users going through withdrawals.

when you get into the inpatient treatment center, for the first 3 to 4 days (depending on the severity of your withdrawals) you are placed in the withdrawal wing of the center. the difference here is that you have constant monitoring. literally someone checks on you every 30 minutes if not more depending on how rough a shape you are in.

As there are limited rooms for such an intensive service, you inevitably end up sharing a room with another user who is also coming down off of whatever they were on.

when i got there, i shared a room with a meth addict. he introduced himself and seemed pleasant enough until he said, "i just want to let you know that i can read people's minds. like, i have this tumor on the side of my head and it gives me that power. also, i don't sleep."

so picture my first night in that recovery center sharing a room with a guy who literally sat in a chair all night like Leon in "The Professional" and just stared straight ahead muttering to himself.

before i left the withdrawal wing i got a chance to see one more drug user. a heroin addict came into my room the last two days that i was there. it was just horrible, almost worse than the meth addict. the guy would alternate between moaning and screaming about how he was dying. oh and he also was defecating all over himself and when he wasn't doing that he was vomiting in the toilet.

so coming down off of drugs is a highly unpleasant experience (duh!) but it was interesting to see two different individuals go through two different drugs. the meth addict was somewhat creepy but honestly i minded him less because at least he was relatively quiet. it's just hard to sleep when someone is lying in the bed next to you covered in his own feces moaning about how he is dying.