LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2015-11-07 22:20:27 (UTC)

Watch Out For Those Spirals...

"Edit The Sad Parts" by Modest Mouse

I made my shoes shine with black coal
But the polish didn't shine the hole

November 7, 2015 Saturday 9:26 PM


I got okay again. On Thursday. I was bad until Thursday, and then it was like a flick switched, flitched swick, swick flitched, switch flicked.

I don't really feel like going into details about what happened today because... Oh, I don't want to think. I had way too much time to think on the way home. I don't want to think about it anymore.

I'm not sad. I'm not anything. Maybe I'm confused, actually.

The following conversation is texts sent between me and Liv. Line breaks are where the texts separate.

------

Me: Liv


Liv: Ya


Me: I don't know how to say it but idk can you just tell me nice things please I need nice things now because things happened and they were not so nice.


Liv: Ok um well ive probably farted and burped like over 50 times today and feel like a boss for- screw that your the best flippin friend ive ever had I LOVE
SNUGGLING WITH YOU. I really like hearing you rant and its really nice when you get all excited or upset when you talk about something because i can tell
your really passionate about it
You have signature mives [moves] that everyone loves like the way you talk with your hands close to your face

Or like when you are eager to say something you like like a baby be
cause your smiling and you go "guys guys!!" as you move your hands
up and down like a hungry baby banging on a high chair XD XD XD XD XD XD
XD XD
You know your limits when it comes to academics like you wont overload your schedule and you talk me out of it when i think of doing that
You keep me in check man. You're the only person Whos comfortable disagreeing with me which helps give me feedback and stuff ya know

You broadened my taste in music SO MUCH and i really love that beca
use it sucked being limited (EVEN THOUGH I WILL ALWAYS LISTEN TO FRO
M INDIAN LAKES ;D)

You have a really nice snuggly smell and it makes me feel at home with you. I always want to crawl next to you and snuggle you all up and sniff your hair
I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO PUR DAMNIT
YOU MAKE ME WANT TO PUR XD XD XD XD

You should probably tell me when to stop because i can literally blow up your phone all night about all the things i love about you
Anywaaayyyyy
Its really funny trying to explain you to people because like i mea
n your you man >.>


Me: What do you do when you find out someone you loved wasn't so good and wonderful and actually did mean things to someone else you loved what do you do what do you do. Or when someone you love screams a lot and hates themselves and I don't like when things are real Olivia I'm never good at real things.


[the following texts i received right after i sent the last one which is why they're not addressing my words u feel]

Liv: Yesterday when i was talking to lauren she was explaining how on ha
lloween she was really hinting at you to invite her
over (which i t
hought was absolutely hilarious XD) and i was like
veronica just doe
snt pick up certain things
XD XD :D :D :D


Me: Also I love you and I want to say thank you but a more nonverbal thank you is necessary and so I wish you were here. I didn't know people noticed things about me


Liv [this is in reply to my texts, now]: I don't know man. :/
there's just certain things i
can't relate to


Me: I know I know


Liv: or have an opinion on. All i
can really be is an ear and hold you w
hich sucks a lot for the
both of us cuz you'll still
be upset about
it and it'll hurt me too </3
*squeezes arm with pinky and pointy finger*

[that last text where she describes the weird action thing is just a reference to something I do. I like to squeeze the arms of people I love with spider-man hands. My pink and pointer finger, basically. Idk how to describe it. I'll post a video on tumblr or something at some point]


Me: :) I like you.

I. Can't wait to get home. I want to cry but I can't do it in front of my parents when they already have one broken daughter and oh my god we're going to kill them

[referring to how mentally unstable Caroline and I are, oh my god, I'm sorry mommy and daddy I'm so sorry]


Liv: Im not gonna hit you with
that things get bettet [better]
bullshit cuz i know you
dont like it but i really
hope things can turn little
by little. Or that some
thing can make you smile
at least once everyday
Where are you now???


Me: About forty minutes from home. We just visited my sister and she screamed.


Liv: Fuck </3

If you want me to come
over i could just ask my
mom but if you eant to be
alone thats ok too


Me: I don't even know if I'm
actually feeling anything. I
want you to come over
but I have a lot to do and
if you were here I'd just
want to sit around and talk
but I have to shove things
away and I don't know
how I do it honestly but it
just gets so easy


Liv: If you change your mind
im just one bus away


Me: I know thank you


Liv: We can go to the creek
and throw big heavy rocks
into it
That could help maybe
If violence makes you feel
better or something


Me: Only if it hurts me. That
sounds horrible but that's
why I used to have
problems haha... No I'll be
okay. Please don't let me
shove it away though. I'm
going to shove it away
and it's going to hurt for a
long time and I'm not
going to want to be
dramatic and just don't let
me ignore it like I do
everything else


Liv: Does this mean i make
you talk about it? Like
when you shove it away
and ignore it you mean
you bottle it up right?


Me: I don't like to say things
straightforward. Makes
me feel too naked or
whatever. Brains stupid
that way


Liv: Yeah i figured as much but
i got you. I can try to
decode you for the sake
of you
Does that make you
uncomfortable?


Me: You're a good friend I love you

Itll probably make me
uncomfortable but idk if
that's a bad thing


Liv: I love you too man.

It'll make you
uncomfortable but we'll
work on it


[Texts kinda dribbled off after this because I was exhausted and had a headache and was still kind of sobbing silently sometimes and oh. She said something about her cousin and I felt a bit guilty for not really having the energy to care but I'm glad their relationship is getting better. She said as much, I guess.]

-----

Ethan

He was

He is

He...

Brother. Like a brother. I thought he was like a brother.

He hugged me when April died. He hugged me when she died and brought me out of the room to play with the baby kittens. He helped carry her into the vet's office and helped make her feel more comfortable and watched with me and Caroline as her breathing stopped and

he was there.

He was there.

But is that not him?

I've known him since I was 12.

Is he not that person? Who joked around with me and Caroline? We teased her sometimes and then other times me and Caroline would tease him.

They'd get in fights sometimes and I'd cry.

I used to have "Caroline days" and "Ethan days." in which I'd side with whoever's day it was. So if it was an Ethan day and he poked fun at her, I joined in. He'd say, "Hey ronks, is it an Ethan day?"

I remember shouting at him

I remember fights and all that

I remember him hugging me and saying, "Sorry, ronks"

I remember him sleeping in Caroline's room and so when I'd go into her room in the morning he'd pop up

I remember knowing he was home because I'd smell the cigarette smoke

I bothered him about that

His picture is on my GOD DAMN WALL

HE IS ON MY GOD DAMN WALL

I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM

I don't hate him at all but he scares me now he scares me he scares me

I'm taking down the fucking picture

I wanted to crumple it up but I didn't have the heart so I just dropped it in the drawer facedown with the pictures of Elise.

Sorry, Elise. He shouldn't be touching a girl like you

He's horrible, he's horrible, he's horrible

I can't even believe it

She screamed. She was screaming so loud and I was sobbing and I couldn't even really tell why.

It's like something is missing deep down in me.

Like I don't REALLY believe any of this is real.

Like I am a writer. Because a writer is always a horrible human being. A writer doesn't live in reality with everyone else. Reality is nothing but a story, suffering nothing but a temporary experience, and afterwards you look back and say, "Oh, that story was so sad..." And you love it. You love it. You love it.

I love it.

I'm awful, but it's true.

I've heard it other places. I'm not the first to say it.

A writer wants experience. And so with every tragedy... well, it never quite reaches my heart. I live in a dream most of the time anyway, so how can it?

It's like when someone dies and they've only really stepped out of the room. Like when you have a nightmare and find yourself excited when you wake up.

That's me. That's all that this is to me. It's not real and part of me is relishing every moment of this, pleased that I am experiencing something awful, pleased that I am... in a story.

But this isn't a story and how is it that a person can realize one thing is completely true and STILL deny it???? Does that make sense?

It still feels like a story.

Everything... like a story. Maybe none of it lasts at all, maybe I've got the right idea.

I wish she didn't rip the screen off my eyes, though. In that moment, when Caroline screamed

"I FUCKING FAIL AT EVERYTHING I TRY"

When she screamed and kept screaming and crying when she said he choked her when she said

"he said it would be so easy to just... it would be so easy"

Oh god oh god oh god

He

No. No. No. I believe her but I can't believe it.

"He got so angry with me. /So angry./"

"I thought he was my friend, he was /supposed to be my friend/"

she cried more and i cried too because

Oh why did I cry?

I'm so confused. I was scared. And sad. I had my hand on her shoulder but all I wanted to do was leave. Go on a jog. Go home and lie in bed watching cartoons.

Anything but what I had been doing.

I remained myself and joked around when she needed it. She needed it. That' why my parents made me go.

Ethan is sick, she said, and my dad said she couldn't help him.

She said, "I know."

She said, "I don't want to ever see him again because if I do, I'll just fall into that trap again, I'll... I'll be his friend. And at first he'll be nice to me and then he'll get mean again"

Oh god

His eyes are cold but he's not

It's because of how he grew up. It's because of the things that have happened to him. I wonder, now, if he's too far gone?

When I was 12, he wasn't too far gone. When I was 13, and I tried to kill myself, he bought me a necklace. He wasn't too far gone.

When did it get that way??

Dad said, "Watch out for those spirals"

She said, "I'm not caught up in a spiral"

He said, "That's what you think."

She was screaming about being a fucking alcoholic. She's not an alcoholic... I think. Oh I don't know.

She said... No, she screamed that she drank every night she kept drinking and she only has one friend and her friend told her to stop

After the DUI, she stopped.

The screens are off my eyes, she scratched them out and I'm afraid that I'm seeing too clearly that we're doomed. We try to try, but me and her, me and Caroline, we're doomed. We're doomed.

We're doomed to be tragedies and I hate that.

Promise me that, even if I kill myself, you'll remember that I was happy.

Promise me.

I'm wrong. I'm wrong. I see stories about suicide and then the death is all I see, even though I know that's not right. I don't want to pity them... But I wish I could save them.

I don't want to be pitied if I end up leaving early.

Remember that I was happy.

Okay. Enough with the dramatics, right?

"We're doomed! We're doomed! We're alive, but we're doomed!"

I swear my dad made us watch The Incredibles about 100000 times when we were kids.

Time to do homework with a splittin' headache.

I'm okay. Seriously, I'm okay. I'm not angry or sad or... Or anything. I'm rather numb. I just.. I want to sleep but I can't.

Am I even mad at Ethan? Do I even feel anything at all?

Maybe I'm just as bad as he is.



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