Living in my Igloo
2015-11-05 09:14:02 (UTC)

9 Months Later

So it's been about 9 months since my last entry and I decided to write an update on my life.

I'm currently in University in Canada (vs the US where I was for my whole life).

I have made so many great people. My roommate is absolutely wonderful and I enjoy being around her so much. We've also made a group of friends who I adore and love spending time with- they're all so fun.

Over these last few months my depression has come and go. I eventually made it to a psychiatrist and got meds, which honestly didn't really help me but they did a little bit. I kept coming to him and saying I felt the same and he uped my dosage. The psychiatrist though soon got his license taken away because he apparently made someone overdose.. so I'm not sure how much I'm supposed to take now.

Though my depression has been good, especially over the summer, it has lately been worsening.

I think my roommate some nights can see it, but I play if off as being tired. I know I should probably tell her but I don't want her to pity me like everyone else seems to. I feel like I owe it to her though since she told me her secrets.

I told one of my friends from our squad though about my depression since she told me about hers. I haven't talked or hung out with her for a few weeks since I've been busy though. I hopefully will get around to that though.

I went on a date today with a guy named Nolan and tomorrow I have a dated planned (I think) with this guy named Brennan. The date with Nolan went fine but I think I prefer him more as a friend. Who knows. I'm excited though for the date with Brennan.

I also had a job for the month of October. It was horrible. I worked in a Halloween store and the boss was awful- though my coworkers were great.

My boss was literally such an asshole and no one knew what he wanted. For example, one of the rules was that people couldn't try on the wigs except for the ones on display. So when people would come up to me or my coworkers and ask, we would say no. But if the boss saw us saying no, then he would tell the customers that of course they can and we didnt know what we were talking about. After a few times of him doing that we told the customers yes then he yelled at us because it was against the rules. What.

Also he didn't like any of us talking to each other, because we were 'busy'. Literally even if there was one person in the ally where we were working and we were chatting, but clearly keeping an eye on them, he'd yell at us. Even if the store was completely empty he would get angry.

There was also a coworker of mine who had a funeral to go to and he told her that it was okay to leave early, but when the time came he refused to let her go. Like oh my god.

So moving on from that, I re read my past entries and wanted to update things on that.

Today is actually Adrian's birthday. I sent her a gift from amazon so hopefully she gets it today. I also sent her a message and put it on her wall so when she wakes up hopefully she'll see it.

Things with her though have been kind of depressing and making me feel kinda depressed. Like, she was really worried that when I went to Uni I would forget about her and move on. I told her though that I wouldn't since she really was my one of my best friends. Yet when I got there, she never messaged me or never messaged me back and she was actually the one who forgot about me and moved on... And I was still stuck, having not moved on.

It hurt because one night she made a post dedicated to all the people who have helped her in her times of need and she didn't include me. I was always there for her... always. Yet.. once again I don't get recognition. It really hurt. This was about a month ago and it still honestly hurts. Because what about me? Did my friendship literally mean nothing to you? Or was it because you were the one who moved on so quick and didn't hesitate to leave me behind? That hurts so much. I really thought that out of everyone I had to leave behind, you were the one who was going to stay the most in touch with me and remain friends with me despite our distance. But.. I guess not.

As for John, I don't know where things fully stand for him. He still says I'm his best friend and all but he refuses to tell me anything about what's happening. And I respect that, I do, but it's frustrating.

He used to tell me so much and now he tells me nothing. And it hurts because I really want to help him but I can't because he won't let me or tell me enough so I can help him. He's been telling me lately that he's having trouble looking in a mirror because he can't stand his own reflection and he's really depressed. I want to help him so bad but he won't let me. I'm scared for him. I'm scared he'll try and kill himself or he'll allow himself to be killed by the people after him. I really hope he doesn't though. He's strong and I know he can get through this.. I just wish I could help him more.

I don't know. I think I've said everything I needed to say or get off my chest. I'm sure there are a hundred more things I could say but those are the main things.

I need to start taking my meds more but the only problem is that they make me so incredibly sleepy, and I can't be falling asleep in class.

I don't know what I'll do. I think I should get back into meditation.

Also one thing I'm looking into is getting a personal trainer because I've gained weight and I feel like shit so I think that this could really help me. Hopefully I can get this started soon.

I also wanted to mention my goals so I guess I will:
1. Lose weight
2. Get headshots once I do
3. Get into acting
4. Grow my youtube channel (flipanigloo)
5. Help my friends and help myself.

Well that's all for tonight. My roommate has already turned off the lights so it's time I sleep too. Night.

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