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2015-11-03 19:23:22 (UTC)

Relax, relax

"April 8th" by Neutral Milk Hotel [loneliest song I've ever heard]

Crawl across toward your window
I'm calling softly from the street
Always a lonely widow
Half awake and sleeping on my feet

I'm of age but have no children
No quarter phone booth calls to home
Just late television
Inside my bedroom all alone

There is no use in waiting
Offer up your steps so I can climb
Show me all your figure paintings
Etched in the middle of the night

Let me stretch upon your carpet
Let me hear the rain tap on your street
Knowing I am safe on the inside
Blankets wrapped and drifting off to sleep

November 3, 2015 Tuesday 6:25 PM

I am writing simply to track my moods. I don't really want to think anything at all, but I should.

So let's see. I felt great last week and I remember being happy for these past couple weeks. Or something. I was happy, right? I don't remember, god.

I could feel it creeping back in. It looms the same way a migraine does, y'know. Where it makes itself known at least a week before it settles in. I wish it were actually a migraine - at least those peak in pain, make me suffer for some hours, and then I'm alright again.

It's not like that with this.

Medication is dangerous.

It crept in at the end of last week but kept disappearing so I hoped I'd be fine (I AM fine) but it kind of hit me yesterday, and it's getting stronger and it's just not good.

Everything is awful and dark and there are no words in my head and it's like I'm choking, it's like those long hours of nausea before I could bring myself to puke (I was too scared to let it happen, even though I knew that as soon as you start vomiting, nothing really hurts anymore and all that's left is a bad taste).

I'm going to tell my Momma.

She forgot to pick up my medication so I've been taking these leftover pills of my sister's. They're the same medication, but the tablets are 75 mg (and are bigger than my own) so I have to swallow four every day.

Maybe it's not the same brand. I wonder if it's affecting me.

I think she's at CVS right now, picking up my prescription. Wish I wasn't bound by a bottle of pills but whatever -- better than feeling like this.

I really, really want to feel good and I'm really, really trying but it keeps getting snuffed out and then I'm afraid I'll ruin my good thoughts and I just...

I'm just so empty. It's so hard to react to anything anyone says. Even if I find something funny, I have to force a laugh. I hate this, I hate this. People keep talking to me, saying things, and every second of conversation is just so meaningless and difficult and I don't know why I'm even trying and I know it shows in my voice. I know they can tell I'm not interested and that I don't care but they don't know why and they think it's their fault and it's not.

It's not their fault at all and I can't help hating them, I hate them all and I hate myself and it has nothing to do with them at all.

There's just nothing left excepting vanity and I'm tired.

I know that this will go away but I'm just so disappointed. I thought it would last longer. I talked myself into thinking i could force the good feelings to stay with me.

Things don't feel real sometimes. I mean, they do but they don't. It was worse yesterday, but I just feel so disoriented and it's like I almost can't believe time is passing and I can't believe these people surrounding me are alive and I must be dreaming. I must.

This is an awful dream.

I'm fine. I'm fine. I know this will fade. And hey! My last good mood lasted pretty long. Two weeks or something, right? I think actually since I left Gold Bay. Yeah, that's about two weeks. I was stressed out and stuff, but happy.

Ugh. I'm still sick. I had no voice yesterday. There's a ringing in my ear that's been around since Sunday.

I was thinking my moods my correlate with my periods, but I've kind of dashed that theory now... I've been paying attention to my periods and moods for awhile and it doesn't make sense.

I had my last period in early October. For a couple weeks before that, I was really down, and when my period started, I felt lovely again. But this time, my period has just started and I feel terrible. It doesn't make sense and when I look back, it never makes sense. It never makes sense.

Alright, well.

I'm going to re-read some of my writing dating back to September. See if I can catch some of my good vibes and watch out for the bad ones.

Oh yeah. I feel nothing again. I mean, earlier in this entry, I was crying. But that was because my dad asked me if I was okay and I said, "No," and when he asked why I could only say, "I don't know." And then I rushed upstairs to do that dramatic sobbing thing that I only do when I get like this.

Another thing that comes with this mood is jealousy. Like, crippling jealousy. It's what makes me hate you. I want to love you, but I can't because I don't love myself. I want to be someone else, I want to have what you have, and I can't. I'm stuck.

I wish I weren't so stuck, but what can ya do? And sometimes I really like me, so it's all fine. It's all fine. It will be all fine.

Goodnight. Let's hope the bedbugs eat me alive. I'd rather be a crumb than a human being right now, honestly.


Relax, relax.

I keep telling myself this.

Relax, relax.

It's starting to become like everything else. The whole world is one color.