LustingforNightmares

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2015-10-31 16:29:18 (UTC)

Wait, What?


"Hello Vagina" by Margot & The Nuclear So and So's [!!!!!!!!]

I am reborn your favourite son
I am reborn, blown through your backyard
I am I am I am


October 31, 2015 Saturday 4:44 PM


Happy Halloween!!!

Oh, I'm so happy.

Adrian's mom dragged me out of the house yesterday.

At around 6 PM, Adrian texted me saying something about a "hip hop/gospel" concert thing. He said, "I'm going with some people you know and if you want to come, we can pick you up"

I was really indecisive and so we talked about the concert and convenience and things for like an hour before I said no. I was worried I'd regret saying no, but I've been sick for the past couple days (I haven't missed school because that would murder me) and figured I would feel too dead inside to be any fun and so things would be awkwarD???

But Adrian's mom is Ms. Photographer Lady, who I've known since I was fourteen because she helped us with our photography project in Olympics for the Visual Arts.

Ms. Photographer Lady knows where I live. So yeah, she drove to my house and I shrugged and got in the car because what the hell? She was already there. I know it sounds kinda creepy, but I wasn't really weirded out.

I'll finish this later. It's really hard for me to write lately. I'm super, duper fucking happy, honestly. Really happy. Things have been easier for me lately and the last time I remember feeling THIS happy was in early September and this is just so, so, so good.

Um, yeah. Liv is over and it's hard for me to write right now because I'm distracted by that. And Brennan will be here sometime. Laney may or may not be coming over???

And we're going to watch Twin Peaks.

Later.

-----

November 1, 2015 Sunday 10:15 PM

Continuing whatever I was writing yesterday (yesterday feels so long ago).

First, I have a small complaint; I wish Liv wouldn't talk about Birdy so much. I asked her if she had a crush on him and she said, "No... Yes... I don't know. I just know I have this sort of fascination with him and I feel this connection."

I think that Birdy must inspire those kinds of feelings in a lot of girls, because she basically said what I had been thinking. While I had been thinking it, though, I was also aware that I had nothing to base my conclusions off of and therefore, they were discarded. Alright.

But yeah, Liv talks about Birdy a lot. She got excited because they made eye contact last week. It's not like they've never talked or anything, they have. They're just not super good friends. Anyway, Liv seems to think about him a lot and that translates into conversation.

I am, I am, I am. I do like Hello Vagina.

It reminds me of Elise. Partly because I want to show her it (I want to show her a lot of things, though, haha) and partly because of how I interpreted the lyrics.

They almost sound nonsensical and a comment on SongMeanings even revealed that the writer of those lyrics usually just does that shit (meaning he writes his lyrics) when he's high but I mean??? Whatever, I gleaned my own meaning from it.

I think it's kind of about death, in a way. Or rather the life that comes from death. I mean, the way he keeps saying he IS something of yours just reminds me of... how I see her everywhere.

He says, "I am your mother, Amy" and "I am your right hand, I am your best man, I am, I am, I am"

My favorites are what I put waaaaay up there at the top:

"I am reborn your favorite son/ I am reborn, blown through your backyard/ I am, I am, I am"

I dunno, I see parts of Elise in a lot of things. Especially after she died. I see her in the sky, I hear her in songs, I see her in pictures and videos of things I'd want to show her, or books I read, or the things Liv says (especially Liv. Liv reminds me of Elise more than anybody else) and what Adrian said about beauty.

I can't remember his exact words and his intended meaning may have gone over my head so I don't trust myself to paraphrase but he said something about liking beauty to be.. natural. And then he said something about a flower.

And that reminded me of Elise. Mostly because that was what she wanted beauty to be, right? Accepting what comes naturally.

And so, yeah, I kind of thought the song fit that idea. "Hello Vagina" is all rebirth-y sounding and being reborn -- to me -- means that the pieces of a person were scattered throughout the world when they left and. Well. I like that meaning a lot more than the, "Oh yeah. We were high when we wrote that," thing.

To be fair, there actually was some purpose to this particular song, but I still liked my interpretation better and I'm going to hold onto it.

ONTO OTHER NEWS:

I just realized I never finished my story about what happened on Friday.

Ms. Photographer Lady picked me up and I got in the car with an apologetic-looking Adrian, his friend whom I've mentioned before bc of Peer -- Mike, Music (also mentioned previously bc of Peer), and a kid who looked familiar.

We went to this concert thing and it was kind of boring. The fun parts were talking with the boys.

At some point, Music leaned over (I was in the aisle seat -- aisle to the right -- with Adrian to my left, followed by Music, Mike, and then familiar stranger) and said, "You've gotta relax" or "Just relax," something along those lines.

I said, "I don't know how???? I'm never relaxed??"

He kept repeating "Just relax" and I repeated my previous statement, "Um, how????"

He said, "Stop tensing your shoulders."

I did and then said, "Um, this is weird. To people live like this?"

Adrian, "Haha, yeah??"

Music, "Now close your eyes and let the music flow through you."

"I'm not going to close my eyes." I said something about distrust too but it's been like two days since that conversation happened (although it feels more like fifteen years) and so I can't even remember what I had been trying to say.

Music kept trying to get me to relax and Adrian offhandedly mentioned I was sick. Music then said, "Oh, sorry, I'll stop"

And in reply, I said, "Oh no, it's fine!! I'm like always sick anyways"

Music, "Yeah... Wait, what?"

I shrugged and smiled and rocked to the music. This whole conversation was us yelling, basically, because the music was really loud.

Eventually, we got on the topic of podcasts; "Listen to relaxing music at night or something to try and teach yourself."

Both me and Adrian were thinking the same thing -- I DO listen to thingsa t night. Only I listen to horror stories. I said so, mentioned the NoSleep Podcast and then Music's eyes lit up.

"YOU LISTEN TO THAT!!???"

And then came lots of words concerning horror stories relayed via audio. I now know of a youtube channel that has a 10 hour long audio video of horror stories. He wants me to listen to it. He would have kept talking, except this old guy in front of us turned around and told us to shut up and show respect. I didn't like that guy, but the band was alright and I hope they weren't offended.

Anyway, that's how I bonded with Music.

After we left, we went to Adrian's house and his puppy bit my hair. We wanted to go to a haunted house, but when we went, they had closed early and I'm shittin' angry about that.

Never said that phrase before. Weird. Is that a phrase? Or did I just kinda... go with the flow??

Alright.

The only vaguely weird thing during that entire night were the not-so-subtle jabs at me and Adrian (courtesy of his wonderful friends).

Music said, "I'm going to make you uncomfortable."

And I said, "I highly doubt you will succeed," but I don't think he got that message because of the aforementioned LOUD MUSIC and seating arrangement that kept us from conversing.

I'm a pretty anxious person but the thing is, when I'm feeling good, I'm REALLLLLY feeling good. And I've REAALLLLLY been feeling good lately. Feeling vaguely invincible, emotionally. I was right. He didn't make me uncomfortable.

But I am somewhat concerned.

I hope Adrian doesn't have a crush on me. Sometimes, I think he does, and other times I just blame it on his personality. He's a super nice guy.

Anyway, that's what they were making fun of us for. They didn't do it so much that it became annoying so I was fine but I didn't want to give him a hug when he walked me to my door because of how weird they were being. I still felt totally comfortable and whatnot but I felt like, if he DID have a crush on me and I gave into that huggy urge (I like affection when I'm happy!), he might get the wrong idea.

As soon as they left, I texted Adrian thanking him for forcing me to leave the house despite sickness. He said, "Thank my mother."

This was followed ten minutes later by, "Actually, it was really wonderful having you there. I don't know if you realized but you added a lot to the group."

He said some other stuff I can't remember, too. But yeah, I'm glad they liked me. I liked them, too. I was already acquainted with most people present, though.

---

HALLOWEEN:

It was nice having Brennan over. I'm going to summarize this wayyyyy faster than I did the above thing because it's getting late and I'm tired.

Oh, I've lost my voice by the way. This is the fourth day that I am sick. The fuzzy buzzing sensation in my head is gone (it was present both yesterday and Friday) so I don't feel like I'm going to implode but I can't talk without sounding like a chainsmoker so.

God, I hate being sick. I told my mom I worry about being sick a lot and she said, "Maybe it's just the season." Maybe she's right.

Okay, well, Brennan came over and it was kind of weird at first but we relaxed real quickly.

Liv was over, too, just in case anyone forgot.

LIST TIME BC I AM ON A SCHEDULE PEOPLE

-I worry about Brennan. He told me he's sick when we met a couple weeks ago. I forget what exactly his issue is... An organ is failing or something. It's serious but there is a solution. I can't remember many details, except that it makes the whites of his eyes kind of yellowish (it's not his liver). I couldn't really tell, though.

But I mean, he walks very slow sometimes, too, and it's not easy for him to walk downstairs. In the haunted house that we went to (held by frat boys down the street), Brennan was the last guy out. I tried sticking with him and Liv yelled at us for being slow. I don't think she noticed that it was hard for him to walk up and down all those stairs.

He jokes about dying but I joke about dying, too. Only he's actually kind of dying, isn't he? I'm confused.


- He slept over and that was nice, except for he doesn't like scary things as much as I do and so we couldn't walk around in the cemetery and that fact disappointed Liv and I.

We walked around after dark today, though, and that was almost enough.

I did like hearing her talk, and I liked that she listened to me talk.


-I FOUND OUT THAT I'VE KNOWN BRENNAN FOR YEARS. YEARS, PEOPLE.

ONCE, WHEN I WAS ABOUT 12 (he would've been 10-ish), LILY AND I WENT TO DINNER AT THESE PEOPLE'S HOUSE WITH MY PARENTS. IT WAS SUPER BORING AND I REMEMBER LILY DIDN'T EAT MUCH BECAUSE SHE WAS ALL PICKY AND THEIR FOOD WAS SPANISH (Brennan is like... Irish and EL Salvadorian. I LOVE HIS MOM. SHE'S SO SOFT AND CUDDLY AND SHE HUGGED ME AND AWWWW).

but theN AFTER DINNER, WE PLAYED WITH THE COUPLE'S SON AND I REMEMBER THAT NIGHT BEING... WEIRD.

I remember it being weird because we got all violent. I know we argued at some point. And in the end, we were taking turns punching this bag and pretending we were beating a guy.

Around 12 is the age I started getting all fucked up and I remember feeling absolutely sick when we left their house. I felt dirty, because I'd had such awful thoughts and stuff. I can't remember the particulars because it was so long ago but I just have always had mixed feelings towards that memory because of how it seemed and how it felt.

I never forgot that night and I'm not really sure why. I just kinda thought about it from time to time. The weird thing is, I actually thought about that night earlier this week and wondered where that little boy was now.

AND IT TURNS OUT THAT BOY IS BRENNAN AND I'M STILL REALLY SHOCKED. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

It's so funny because when we met each other for a second time at Gold Bay, he said, "You look really familiar. Do I know you from somewhere or something?"

This was after me, him, and Liv had been talking for awhile. I said, "No, I don't think so, but you know what's weird? I thought you looked super familiar too and I don't?? Know why."

AND NOW I KNOW WHY. OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I'M STILL REALLY FRICKIN CONFUSED. THIS WHOLE TIME WE ALREADY KNEW EACH OTHER??

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? MY PARENTS WERE AWARE OF THIS FACT AND DID NOT TELL ME???? WOW??? OKAY???? I ONLY FOUND OUT BECAUSE BRENNAN'S MOM SAID, "I remember you from when I was little and I nodded, "Yeah... Wait, what?"

-----

Caroline got a DUI.

I don't know how to feel.

I heard my parents talking to her on the phone and I just felt this weariness. But not surprise. Not anger or concern or any of the normal things a human should be feeling.

It makes no sense. I should be mad and scared and... and I don't know.

Especially because cars scare me. For years, cars have scared me. I hate when my mom talks on the phone while she's driving and she only stopped because I begged her to. I hate reading about car accidents (although morbid curiosity kinda forces me to sometimes) and I hate thinking about them (I do anyway. They fascinate me. Again with the morbid curiosity).

I should be mad that she was driving after drinking. I really should be mad. I don't feel anything, though.

I still love Caroline. I still want to be like my favorite parts of her when I get to her age.

I think I'm maybe a bit disappointed.

Caroline is rational and smart and beautiful and creative. And I think she's stuck. I think I'm lucky because I got treatment for my problems at a young age -- Caroline didn't. Medicating didn't even begin until after college did. At that point, it's kind of hard to... y'know.

It would've been easier if she were treated at my age.

And then her stupid friends. Just kidding. I like her friends. One of them was Chris and I like him, but still. He let her drive while drunk??? No, he encouraged her??? Her two other friends wanted food or something.

I wish Caroline wasn't all reckless sometimes. It's weird because recklessness doesn't describe Caroline at all. I hate what Stephanie says about her sometimes because it's like she's generalizing my own sister.

"She's a bad driver"

"She's messy"

Shit like that. Caroline is not a bad driver. She may have been at some point, but she isn't now. She's not messy with EVERYTHING either. She can get it together when she needs to.

And just like those things, Caroline can't really be described as 'reckless'. Because she's not. Like I said above... if I were to generalize her, I'd use the words "rational" and "kind" and "strange". The two of us are very similar.

I don't think she's reckless. I think she's confused sometimes, and overwhelmed, and I'm not sure what makes her do the things she sometimes does.

The DUI -- that's probably recklessness. As is other problems she's had concerning vehicles (she crashed a motorcycle last year and a car a few years ago and Ethan crashed our car before he had his license when I was in 7th grade. Caroline got in huge trouble for that because she let him drive. That wasn't what I'd call reckless, though. Ethan had driven our car before and I had been in the car with him driving at previous times. He was usually a fine driver. He had just been going a little too fast with the music a little too loud on a road with gravel spilling onto the pavement -- that's what made the car slip. The speed, the gravel, the curve of the road. But anyway).

Other problems... No. I think Caroline deserves more credit than she gets.

Although times like these, I understand why my parents aren't very strict with me. Other than middle school, I don't think I do anything to get myself in big trouble. I attribute that to my constant paranoia.

Okay. I really have to go. I wanted to write more but it's past 11.


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