LustingforNightmares

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2015-10-29 20:56:56 (UTC)

Lots of Words


"Terrible/Perfect" by Built to Spill

Save a place in your mind
I'm getting good at time
Save some space in your mind
I'm getting out of time

October 28, 2015 Wednesday 9:21 PM

THINGS I SHOULD BE DOING RIGHT NOW: AP US History. Room-cleaning. I already did everything else, which consisted of Precalc (took my sweet time, because it's fun), ELA (read the Pit and the Pendulum. Also fun, also required sweet time), and Chemistry Video Notes (not so fun. Kinda rushed through them).

THINGS I AM DOING RIGHT NOW: Listening to music.... typing (obviously) and reviewing Algebra 2/Trig stuff (I am in Math Honor Society which means I can tutor people and most of the people who need tutors are in Algebra 2/Trig... Even though I took that last frickin' year, I am pretty rusty. THIS is why I wish teachers taught us how to derive things... Then, I'd actually be able to remember what I learned in math class. And even if I couldn't, I'd be able to figure it out myself because!!! Deriving!!!

I have respect for my current math teacher, who is a weirdo, because he taught us how to derive the quadratic formula and i'M JUST SO HAPPY BECAUSE NOW IT ALL MAKES SENSE IT'S NOT JUST RANDOM LETTERS AND SHIT I KNOW WHY IT'S ARRANGED THE WAY IT'S ARRANGED and ugh.)

(longest parentheses ever???)

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SIDE NOTE: This is specifically to Dane, if he (you??) reads this. I am going to email you soon, probably tomorrow or Halloween (!!!). I shall speak to you in the near future.

"Fin" by Pavement

October 29, 2015 Thursday 8:57 PM


Okay, okay, okay, so I feel really good....

Yesterday, I was going to write, but I got distracted and let's face it: I had shit to do.

I have come to a few conclusions today.

1) I'm very happy this week. I am deciding right now that this happiness will last even when it doesn't, and this makes sense.

2) I love Liv and Alexis and all my friends and I need to devote all my time to them.

3) As of now, I am going to explore careers in mathematics, including going to an engineering seminar thing-y next week. I am going be something, whether I like it or not. I guess. Haha.

4) I guess I kind of have a crush on Birdy?? I'm confused on this subject. More on this shortly.


Um... so yeah. I dunno, I annoy myself sometimes. Because I was really, really happy last night and I felt like a sphere and then I felt like I was going crazy.

Because how exactly does one feel like a sphere? More specifically, a sphere covered in spikes that is steadily expanding and contracting in a world of whiteness? Not even whiteness... blankness. Nothingness. The world that existed before the big bang, the world that is under this thin veneer we live in, the real world.

Um.

The thing is, that feeling... That feeling of existing in more than four dimensions is not new. It happens sometimes.

Never as a sphere. That was new, and distracting, and odd. I wasn't afraid, just... not even concerned, really, because if I were really crazy, I wouldn't be aware of it, would I?

(But then, if I now don't think I'm crazy -- that is, if I am now UNaware of the craziness inside -- does that mean I am crazy? And in not thinking I am crazy, I make myself believe that I AM crazy... so that would once again make me sane. And believing myself sane just makes me insane???? Oh my GOD okay)

Oh, yeah, Liv is downstairs. She's sleeping over. We have school tomorrow, but whateva. I should hurry up.

BUT DUDE.

I have never been a sphere covered in spikes (I was three dimensional, now that I think about it, but there were other factors that I can't really explain in words... there was this extra something, like I could see something that I can no longer see when I try to remember it)

But I have been a rectangular prism of sorts. OH. I think what makes me irrationally believe I am more than four dimensions is the fact that I suddenly get the feeling that I am both that expanding-and-contracting rectangular prism as well as a human body.

Like I am next to myself and part of myself at the same time. ??

I guess, it's like, the rectangle is showing me what my body is doing; it's stretching, stretching, stretching until it's about to snap and then it sinks back down only to do it all over again and we're moving with the universe that way, like reflections on water.

Alright... I should go to bed... I'm starting to sound like. Like. Oh, whatever.

I can feel my chest bone!!! And I've still been getting random abdominal cramps but I've been having them since like August now so I don't think I'm in any danger.

I'm sick, though. That makes me paranoid -- I keep getting sick. I'm literally sick every week. Luckily, I haven't puked again, but I had a sort throat on Saturday and I've just developed a cough and runny nose. God. Is my school just diseased? Why am I always sick during school??? I was fine all summer.

NEW TOPIC BC I'M TIRED AND RUSHING AND NOT BOTHERING TO PHASE INTO THINGS... ACTUALLY, I DON'T THINK I EVER PHASE INTO TOPICS WOW

I'm so tired suddenly. Ughghgh I have to do dishes. I appreciate Mr. Sandwich.

OH! Me and Liv made Butterbeer Cupcakes for the Spanish Club Bake Sale tomorrow!!!

I'm such a dork. I translate Harry Potter into every goddamn aspect of my life. I love things.

I need to appreciate Adrian soon, too. He deserves part of an entry, because he's a good singer and is really nice to me and deserves much more than he gets.

It was mostly me baking the cupcakes. (Sorry, I'm all over the place. LIke I said, I just suddenly got hit by a wave of sleepiness and I have homework and dishes and shit)

(I can't wait to snuggle with Liv. I like having her as a friend. We discussed hanging out naked together but I'm not comfortable enough to do that. By hanging out naked together, I literally mean hanging out naked. Like just sitting around with no clothes if that's what we feel like. But I dunno, I don't love my naked body enough to be able to do that and Liv's really pretty so like.... I would just compare myself. Gotta build my self-esteem man)

I'll talk about jealousy one of these days.

I wish I had more time on my hands. There's so much I've been wanting to tell you.

My moods confuse me sometimes. I already said I was happy this morning and last night. But around 3 PM I got all depressed and stayed that way until about 6 PM. It was weird. And suddenly, I wasn't.

I don't know why, but it suddenly just disappeared and I've been getting steadily happier...

That happened yesterday too! Maybe it's just an after school slump. Y'know, I get home and I feel shitty and then I slowly get better... Maybe, right?

I looked really cute today and yesterday. Today I just wore a white t-shirt and my dad's flannel shirt, jeans and boots, but I looked really good in that t-shirt and I"m just satisfied with my appearance this week and that makes me happy because I usually don't like how I look.

Oh, yeah.

And do I have a crush on Birdy or?.... I get confused, because in my mind, a REAL crush is electricity.

And I've looked Birdy in the eye. I've said words to him, and I don't feel that tingle in my spine or hammering of my heart.

I guess I have a mild crush on him, because I think about him a lot (mostly wondering what he's like, because from what I've heard and seen, he just sounds very... unusual and I am fascinated) and I love his appearance.

Like, I just want to draw him, he's so beautiful. He reminds me a bit of Tom Odell in appearance. He has blonde hair and blue eyes and... well, his face is shorter than Tom Odell's and more delicate, much nicer. Tom Odell is pretty and everything, but Birdy is prettier. Birdy's nose is also more upturned and smooth.

It's like his skin hangs from his cheek bones and I like when people look that way. I've never had very prominent cheek bones.

Okay well, done with that.

Super tired.

I'll discuss all of this in further detail at some point. Hopefully soon. I miss writing. I really, really miss writing. I hate having so much of my time consumed by APUSH.

I love my AP US History teacher so much (he's hilarious and yesterday, he ACTUALLY squeaked and it was so high a pitch that I don't think I could reach it if you pulled at the hairs on the back of my neck. IT WAS SO HIGH OH MY GOD I THINK DOGS ALL OVER THE NEIGHBORHOOD MUST'VE PASSED OUT)

but he gives SO. MUCH. WORK. In so little time, too! I know it's a college course, but goddamn....

How am I supposed to learn when it's all being shoved down my throat so quickly?? I have other classes and barely have time at home, man. I don't have time to read a forty page chapter in one week. You'd think I would, but I'm actually really bad at reading.

I read all the fucking time, but reading for APUSH is different because it's so packed with information and I can't absorb all of it. I can't even pay attention for more than half a page so I always have to refocus myself and it's exhausting.

Every time I try and do those lecture things he sends home, it takes about four to five hours (that is, if I decide to do the whole thing. I can always just take about half the notes and he won't notice but I try to do the whole thing when I can so I won't fail tests and whatnot haha).

Okay... gotta go. Dunno if History is my thing. It's nice and very interesting but I dunno if it lights my fire.



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