2015-10-25 12:14:54 (UTC)

Building a Desert

"Custom Concern" by Modest Mouse

The custom concern for the people
Build up the monuments and steeples to wear out our eyes
I get up just about noon
My head sends a message for me to reach for my shoes and then walk
Got to go to work, got to go to work, got to have a job

Goes through the parking lot fields
Didn't see no signs that they will yield and then thought
This'll never end, this'll never end, this'll never stop

Message read on the bathroom wall
Said, "I don't feel at all like I fall"
And we're losing all touch, losing all touch, building a desert

[I LOVE THIS WHOLE ALBUM. Modest Mouse reminds me of the bad days and the good days all at the same time, wow]

October 25, 2015 Sunday 12:43 PM

Rocky Horror was fun. I hope we go again. I mostly talked to Alexis, Liv was kinda quiet, but she still claims she had fun and I trust her, y'know!

People poured beer from the main balcony and got my knees all wet, which was simultaneously entertaining and annoying (some people in front of us, who got the most of the beer waterfall, were swearing up a storm at the assholes haha).

The guy sitting next to Liv asked for her number and she gave it to him (reluctantly, because she knew her mom wouldn't allow her to talk or hang out with him anyway). She was happy about that :)

Anyway, all-in-all it was so much fun. Liv slept over and we cuddled which was nice, but I had to get up at like 6 AM for a field trip thing.

I went on that field trip, which was awkward as hell because I was tired and sick and didn't feel like socializing.

(I've been getting sick a lot lately and I think it's because of stress. I got sick a lot at the end of last year, too. I was always coughing or having a sore throat or feeling nauseas, I dunno. I don't feel nauseas too often anymore but I'm always battling headaches and whatnot. My body is not built for such pressure)

I kinda feel like I don't belong in this club. The club is called, like, Black and Latino Achievers or something. I joined because it said something about helping figure out your future and yeah... I need help with that. I'm lost and I really hate it.

But it's like... other people in this club, it seems like they need it more than I do. Maybe I'm just being ridiculous.

My parents won't be able to pay for me to go to college so I have to get a scholarship. That's somewhat related to whatever I was saying, but yeah. We have enough money to live comfortably but not to pay for higher eduction. Caroline is attending school on a scholarship.

I'm worried.

The people who decide whether or not we are struggling enough to require financial aid think we have more money than we do.

This is because my mom sends money to her family to support them. That doesn't count as an expense to the financial aid people, I guess???

My mom needs to send even more money lately, because her brother is being prosecuted for something he didn't do and government is not as fair in her country. It's not as thorough.

My dad doesn't understand that sometimes, I think. Doesn't understand that things don't work in her country the way they work here. He SHOULD know that -- he lived there for years.

In short, my momma's family is having even more problems and she just wants them here with her, but it's not that easy. They've tried to petition for her family to come to the US, but as most people know, US people ain't a fan of immigrants.

I wish my Abuelita was here, though. I just want my momma to be happy and she's not. She wants her family. I know she would be happy if they were here. I've seen her around them - even now, when she's worried and sad, my momma is a bright light. But with them, it's like she's always got energy and time and love to share.

She's so tired right now and if they were here, she'd be okay.

My dad doesn't understand this (at least, that's what my mom says). He's happy here. He has his community (he goes to a Unitarian church that he's very involved in) and his family (whom we visit much more often than my mom's family, which breaks her heart a little, I think) and his career.

My mom isn't doing a job she wanted to do. She's far away from her family and doesn't spend a lot of time around hispanic people, I think. She's got friends, which makes me happy, and makes her happy too. But still. She deserves so much that she doesn't have and I'm just worried.

I want to give her all that. I thought about getting a job so that my mom wouldn't have to spend money on me but she doesn't want me to. She wants me to focus on school. I'm going to think about it anyway. I would be applying at a shitty sandwich chain with awful fluorescent lighting, but who cares? Money is money and it's close enough that I wouldn't have to drive (I don't even have my permit yet, because my parents don't have a social security card for me).

Liv came over last night and sat on the couch watching Twin Peaks with me. That was nice. I like when she comes over to do nothing with me. I like that I can be around her without having to try to be anything other than what I am.

I like that she understands my silence, I mean. Sometimes, I don't talk. I'm very quiet and people don't really... get that. When I'm excited, I won't shut up and I told Liv this and she said, "But I like hearing you talk!"

So yeah, she just lets me be quiet sometimes and I listen to her talk which I also like doing.

I'm making her come over more often. Things are less dull when she's here.

I'm so gay with my friends.

Remind me to ask Adrian if he's gay with his friends. I know Brennan said his friends like to cuddle him sometimes, but I wanna know if other boys are like that with each other.

I love that idea. I wish everyone was comfortable being a lil gay with everyone else... I like touching my friends and hugging them and stuff. Sometimes. I don't do that as much with boys, though, because people suck and take that as meaning more. Sometimes it does mean more, sometimes it doesn't.

Nothing's ever clear and you gotta be content with that, man.

"Every thousand years
This metal sphere
Ten times the size of Jupiter
Floats just a few yards past the earth
You climb on your roof
And take a swipe at it
With a single feather
Hit it once every thousand years
'Til you've worn it down
To the size of a pea
Yeah I'd say that's a long time
But it's only half a blink
In the place you're gonna be"

Ah, Randy Described Eternity. I love this song.

I kinda want to cry in a nice way.

Now, I'd be able to have someone love me. Maybe not tomorrow, but now I'd be okay.

I'm trying to be very nice to myself because I must, must, must love myself. It's too much work to be any other way.

Soccer reminds me of pinball machines and I like it.

Every thousand years.

Okay, well, I oughtta go do my homework.

Oh yeah, a nice kid tried talking to me yesterday at the field trip. I feel bad because my conversational skills sucked. Like I said earlier, I was sick and could taste it in my mouth and wasn't exactly up for conversation, though I should've tried harder.

He was nice, though. He wore glasses, but was missing one of the pieces that rests on your ear, so they were a bit lopsided. He asked me what kind of books I read and I told him, very slowly. I was distracted. Anyway, maybe next time I'll actually be a real human being.

He says he might be transferring to Troy High. That'd be nice. Seems like a smarty, he does.

I'm slow, not stupid. Gotta keep reminding myself that. I forget that I do things slowly, but it doesn't mean I'm dumb.

Oh. My mom doesn't have to go back to Oncologist anymore. It's been 7 years since she stopped cancer treatment and apparently, she's all good now. She's got the normal cancer risks.

I should be happier, but for me, it's been over for years. I knew she still went to the oncologist to make sure she was alright, but yeah.

I hope Grandma emails me soon. We talked on the phone the other night and it was nice. Sometimes, I feel like my mom. I'd be happier if my family were here. The rest of them, I mean.

It'll be nice to keep in touch.

That is, if I have time. I haven't really checked my email in days. Gotta go to homework. Bye.

(I feel like I haven't even had a real weekend. Did homework most of the day on Friday, woke up early as shit on Saturday, and I have more homework today yayyy wow)

(Not that I'm complaining. In a way, it's nice. In other ways, it's not. That's not supposed to make sense. I haven't figured it out yet either.)