Cold As Hell
"Leaky Breaks" by Manchester Orchestra [sounds like Modest Mouse!!!]
I've been drinking carefully
I creep into our bedroom and watch you sleep
My mind it wanders onto things that if I try I can't explain
As if there's something worse
As if there's something worse,
to have weaned away your worth,
when I was so absurd
Well is there something worse?
"Randy Described Eternity" by Built To Spill [I can't get enough UGHHHHH]
Every thousand years
This metal sphere
Ten times the size of Jupiter
Floats just a few yards past the earth
You climb on your roof
And take a swipe at it
With a single feather
Hit it once every thousand years
'Til you've worn it down
To the size of a pea
Yeah I'd say that's a long time
But it's only half a blink
In the place you're gonna be
Where you gonna be
Where will you spend eternity
I'm gonna be perfect from now on
I'm gonna be perfect starting now
Stop making that sound
Stop making that sound
I will say I forgot it
But it was only yesterday
And it's all you had to say
[oh my god, oh my god, i might cry]
Me, Just Now: *laughing* I'm dead inside
(I DIDN'T EVEN DO IT ON PURPOSE I WAS JUST LAUGHING AT A TUMBLR POST I SAW AND IT CAME OUT WHAT DOES THIS MEAN)
I had stuff to write but I got distracted, analyzing Built To Spill lyrics, haha...
I just barely finished by homework by the time it was due.
I probably would've done better if I started last night, but I was exhausted and spent the whole time reading instead (pleasure reading, which is different from the constant active reading I have to do).
I talked to my grandma last night! She said she's gonna start sending me e-mails so we can communicate more.
I'm very happy with that because whenever she sends my letters, I can't read them. Her hand writing is really tall and loopy and squeezed together and my eyes just get exhausted trying to translate the runes, y'know?
I keep the letters anyway, just in case, but i feel guilty for not writing back.
I'm doing this entry in sections.
We were talking ("we" being Adrian, Liv, and I) yesterday.
For some reason, we ended up discussing Bird Boy briefly (that name sounds so mean, but I really don't mean it that way. I'm referring to that really, really beautiful genius kid with the delicate features).
Adrian said, "I make awkward eye contact with Birdy all the time" (yes, I've decided on Birdy. To hard to say bird boy and it sounds like a goddamn superhero. Of course, Birdy is the name of a female artist... okay it's subject to change whatever)
(Pretty Boy isn't an option because, again, too long and also, I feel bad for just basing a name off his looks? At least Birdy is based of my perception of his personality. Not that he's actually like that - maybe he is, maybe he isn't. All my information is second-hand. I feel vaguely creepy... But I do this with a lot of people, I just don't usually talk about it, so I guess it's okay)
(UM: Adrian said he calls me Veronique in his head, with a french accent. He can't help it. I thought that was awesome. Him doing accents is always weird but hey, I like that my name sounds different in his head.)
OKAY ANYWAY GOD DAMMIT.
We asked why the eye contact was weird and he said, "Because sometimes, it's like he's listening, but he's not really there so he has no reaction to the things you say..."
I was like, "THAT'S ME! I DO THAT! Oh my gosh"
Adrian was like, "True, yeah,"
and I said, "Sorry. I do have a reaction, it just doesn't show up on my face all the time because I'm distracted"
I've had the urge, all week, to apologize to Adrian. Apologize because he's not yet used to my mood swinginess??? And I feel bad because he's so, so, so nice and interesting and I don't want to drive him away just because every couple weeks I withdraw and think hateful things about everything ever.
Ah, what a life.
Back to the point. I find it interesting that a popular person can be that way.
In middle school, I wrote a character like him. By that I mean I hadn't developed a personality, I'd developed the way he was perceived. Does that make sense?
Someone pretty popular but who is all... I dunno... He just looks nervous sometimes (my character looked concerned a lot of the time. He had a different physical appearance, though. I didn't think I'd ever witness a human being resembling mine, though). Hmm. The sad part is I probably won't ever know why and that only make me more painfully curious. I need to get better at making friends, haha.
My issue is my self-esteem, though. Like, it's really bad. I've been repressing it all for awhile and when I finally came about accepting that I really don't think nice things about myself (this realization came about... maybe a month ago? Or not. I was aware, but I'm only just now admitting it. By "just now" I mean in the past couple months, got it? Have I confused you enough today?).
Yeah, so I keep thinking I'm really stupid and ugly and all the typical things that girls think about themselves when they "hate" themselves.
Quotes because I don't hate all of me. I don't hate me when I'm alone. I hate the way I present myself. I hate that I can't seem to change it.
Control and stability.
My desires, man.
I'm feeling relatively pleased today and I'm not nauseas (recap: I had two separate episodes of nausea/puking this month) so yay!
Also, the sun looks really nice. I might go running, just to breathe. I feel like I don't breathe enough.
I also feel like my skin is always either cold or feverish and I'm hiding too much under it.
Oh, I just want to write forever but I've run out of things to write
Going to Rocky Horror Picture Show with Liv and Alexis tonight.
I'm writing stuff and drawing again. Dunno if I said this, but I kind of lost all inspiration when I got depressed and I'm happy it's back.
My hands are so cold!!!!
I drew a boy. I like illustrating the best, I think. I'll do watercoloring when I get back from a run (or walk, depending on whether or not I get lazy).
I'm listening to Pavement now. Good band.
I wonder how the-strange-boy-who-sits-next-to-me-in-Chemistry is doing. He doesn't sit next to me anymore, the seating arrangement is being changed on Monday.
I wonder how my lab partner is. She's quiet and I wonder about her. I mean, I wonder what her sense of humor is and if she has any friends and who they are, what they're like.
When she speaks, her voice is strong, but that isn't very often. Like me, she doesn't like seeking out people.
Yeah, I think we're pretty similar, her and me. Only I think she kind of hates me. I'm kind of an idiot sometimes. I lack the simplest common sense and I space out when I'm not supposed to.
This results in me asking dumb questions.
I wonder if I come off as that stand-offish. I definitely do, sometimes. People weird me out.
Some boys called me McKayla the other day and I said, "I'm not McKayla.." and they just laughed as I walked away. It made me really paranoid. I freakin' hate boys sometimes.
They reminded me of the boys in my other elementary school (in California) who asked me to say Suck Your Hand in spanish and I mumbled it because I was worried it meant something I was unaware of. I didn't want to NOT say it, though, because I didn't want them to think I was lying about speaking spanish.
So I said it and they laughed and I hurried away.
I hated that school.
I didn't have many friends and the one I DID have, I chased away frequently. Don't even know her anymore. We're facebook friends, though.
Honestly, she was just a temporary friend, though. I knew I'd only be in California for a short time. I liked her, but I think it was easier for me to fight with her all the time because then I wouldn't get too attached to someone I'd only ever see 5 times a decade.
Once, when I lived in California, Lily called me and asked if I could come over. She forgot I lived on the other side of the country.
I spent a lot of time avoiding homework and listening to the Beatles. I didn't like listening to the radio so much and there were Beatles CDs next to the stereo so yeah, I'd just listen to them over and over again. It's hard to get tired of their music.
I learned how to do a cartwheel.
When I turned ten, my temporary best friend made me my favorite cake. It wasn't my favorite cake until she'd made it for me (I'd never had it). It's called Tres Leches and it's delicious.
I spent my birthday at the Exploratorium in San Francisco.
I used to get lost in the Suburbs of where we lived. My dad told me about how, when he was a boy, they're house was on the edge of town. And now it had been swallowed by pavement and square houses and green lawns with fountains built in (green lawns that went yellow during draught).
It almost looks like every other place ever.
We lived near the train tracks and across the train tracks was downtown, where there were restaurants and shops and a movie theater and a rock gym. I wished I could bring the town back with me to New York, so my friends and I would have places to go.
My city doesn't have stuff like that. You have to drive across the river or to the next towns in order to have those opportunities.
I made another friend and fought with her, too. I don't know why I did that, but it was a habit of mine when I was younger, haha. I'd make friends and then I'd be afraid of losing them so I'd fight with them until we hated each other and it was very easy.
I'm not going to try and analyze that. It's kind of straightforward, I think.
I've been writing about nothing at all.
I hated California.
That's not completely true.
New York is my home, though, and I hated being away for so long. No that's not right either...
I hated that being away from the place I was so excited to escape (my town) wasn't the way I expected it to be.
Update on the fingertips: still cold as hell