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You Just Noticed Me Fading
"Made Up Dreams" by Built To Spill [oh my god, oh my god, oh my god]
These thoughts are old
Let's keep it cold
Dry lines on me
That stupid sound
That awful feel
Don't bring them down
And it never will
No it never will
No it never will
No it never will
Hard to believe
That after all this time
That after all this I'm
**No one wants to hear
What you dreamt about unless you dreamt about them
Don't let that stop you
Tell them anyway
And you can make it up as you go**
I'm already gone now
You were outside just waiting
**I'm already nothing
You just noticed me fading**
It takes a lot to make me crazy
And a lot is always going on
October 23, 2015 Friday 10:37 AM
"I'm already nothing, you just noticed me fading" oh my GOD.
"Nothing is hopeless; you must hope for everything." -Euripides
"Come back! Even as a shadow, even as a dream!" -also Euripides. I wonder where exactly this came from, though. I usually find these words floating around attached to a name and that's it.
Okay, so, I'm writing this because I had a nightmare last night and I want to talk about that before I go and write my stupid essay.
Oh yeah, I have no school today... And yet, I still have three assignments due by 3:15 PM so yay for that....... Wow.
I fell asleep around 11:30 PM last night and woke up a few minutes past midnight, which I thought was odd, because that nightmare felt like it was hours long.
I can't remember all of it anymore, but I was pretty lucid during it, but too blinded by fear to really change it. ???
I remember being in Lily's house, but a version of her house that doesn't exist anymore. In very early elementary school, when Lily's brother still lived there (he only left for college a couple years ago actually), she had a small bedroom and it was pretty normal as far as bedrooms go.
Her house always struck me as simultaneously comfortable and creepy. Contradictory, I know. But that room was pretty much that.
A regular bed and a perpetually dark closet, windows with flowing curtains, and white sunlight.
That bedroom doesn't exist anymore. Her dad built her a loft bed at some point and painted the room purple, and then in middle school (or early high school, can't remember), they turned the room into a game room. AKA TV and couch and black/red walls with gray accents.
(ouch, my gut is hurting.)
Lily sleeps in what used to be their guest room, now.
But anyway, I was in that very old version of Lily's bedroom, even though I as still sixteen.
I had been somewhere before I woke up in that room. I'm sure of it. I had realized I was dreaming and attempted to wake up. I thought it worked when I found myself in Lily's old bed.
It was all dark out and I knew Lily was down the hall. I peeked out the door, to see if the coast was clear so I could go wake her up and maybe feel a little less freaked the fuck out??? Only, when I opened the door
(and her door is really old/creaky, doesn't even have a real lock, just a weak... I don't know what to call that kind of lock actually. They appear in a lot of old Victorian era houses, I remember using them in my own house. It was like a curved piece of metal attacked to the doorframe and then a matching metal loop on the door. You'd put the curved piece in the loop and that was the lock. Unfortunately, they kind of SUCK because after years of use, the ones in my house were literally torn out of the frame. So it was useless protection.)
there was someone out there. I think it was her brother and he was so veiny for some reason. I don't know why, but I didn't want him to see me (he was leaving Lily's room, down the hall) so I quickly shut the door and locked it (with that flimsy ass piece of iron).
I then started to get really afraid, and I don't know why. I walked to the window and pushed apart the curtains. Her window overlooks part of her backyard (she's got a pretty large backyard because her house is situated on the edge of a very steep hill. So she has a flat area atop the hill and then a steep set of wooden stairs lead you down to the bottom area of her yard).
Out her window, I could see her trampoline. I didn't think about it, but that trampoline isn't actually there anymore - in it's regular spot is a campfire and some buckets or chairs that we sit on.
The trampoline was kind of far away - like twelve feet from the window, but large enough for me to think that if I had to throw myself out her window, I'd make it over the protective net.
It's odd how accurate the whole house looked, other than it being stolen from the past.
I was looking for an escape route. I opened the window a touch, so it'd be easier if I needed to get out quickly.
I get a little murky after this. I wasn't really lucid at this point, just afraid...
My Chemistry teacher suddenly appeared in the room and it was daytime. Lily and Laney were also there. For a little while, it was just a dream and we were talking.
And then one of them, maybe Laney, said, "We're not real, y'know."
I said, "What?"
"We're not real. We're just figments of your imagination."
"Um... No... You're not."
She was nodding, "Yes, we are. You're dreaming. Look, we can prove it to you.."
And then, Lily and Laney were giant paper dolls. Not even kidding. Caroline and I used to make paper dolls and paper houses and paper furniture. Now that I think about it, the dolls looked like the ones we used to make with scissors and crayons, only larger.
So there they were on the floor, and I was horrified. I turned to my chemistry teacher and he nodded solemnly, saying, "They're right. You're dreaming. Even I'M not real."
And then he hit himself on the head with a comically large baseball bat. His... face was knocked off.... I mean, any defining feature he had, anything that could have allowed me to identify him as my chemistry teacher, was just... knocked out of him and into oblivion.
What was left was a lifeless doll with no features, only clothes. He was smaller, too. I screamed and ran over to doll, which I shook.
And then there was pounding on the door and I was shaking and when I turned to face the door, it was swinging open (the lock broken) and something was laughing. It didn't even need to speak, whatever it was, it just laughed and knew that I couldn't do anything to help myself.
I "woke up".
In Lily's old bedroom, in the dark, with the same old moonlight coming through the window. I was tired...
AT some point, I fell asleep IN my dream. When I woke up from that mini-nightmare, I was so frustrated because I knew I was still dreaming and I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to wake up again. I couldn't make myself wake up!! No matter what I did!
Usually, just the realization that none of this is real is what draws me back into the real world
(after I ACTUALLY woke up, I realized why it must've been so hard to wake up. My body was tired. I haven't been getting a lot of sleep lately and it was so tired and even though my mind was perfectly functional, my body was having NONE of it)
Things like that kept happening, at any rate (by "that" I mean, I kept getting afraid and then waking up where I started). Not super interesting. I tried calling Lily's phone at some point, but it never rang and when I looked up from my phone screen, the door was swinging open again (even though I'd just locked it) and the echoing laughter was getting louder.
I woke up again.
This time, I immediately went to the window and jumped out, ignoring the pounding on Lily's bedroom door.
I realized I was dreaming and yet, I couldn't change anything. I was trying to run across her yard and over to the main road (and it was so vivid. I could see all the dead leaves on the ground, lit by the moonlight. I could see their varying levels of dampness and feel them under my feet), but I couldn't make myself speed up. I didn't feel as scared, though. I willed myself to fly and that was that.
While I was flying, I was kind of... I dunno, panicking. Mildly. I was trying to figure out how to ACTUALLY wake up. I figured that being absolutely terrified usually jerks me away, so I tried willing my fears to appear but it didn't work.
The sky was purple. Very halloween-y. I think I had bat wings. What the hell.
I don't even know what I was afraid of. Maybe I don't like feeling powerless. Whatever was scaring me was... It was darkness, maybe. It was something I couldn't touch -- even though it could touch me -- and it was something I couldn't escape, either.
At some point, I ended up in a convenience store (the lighting hurt my eyes. They were fluorescent bulbs -- which reminded me vaguely of canned sunlight??? -- and they drained the life out of everything they touched. That's not too far from real life, though, haha. I really fucking HATE fluorescent lights).
There were only two occupants; one was a woman in her thirties, who may have been asian or something (Indonesian, Hawaiian, or maybe Filipino), and a younger boy (he might have been Brennan, but was also about nine years old. Not sure, haha. I just realized that I like younger kids a lot. I mean like, twelve year olds and younger. I just like them. Anyway).
The woman was wearing a red vest - she worked there - and the boy was either her son or a random customer. I ran in and started frantically telling them all about the dark creature (I lost a bit of lucidity here) who was everywhere and begged them to go out and fight it for me.
(even though I knew they wouldn't survive. And my KNOWING what would happen -- my solid expectations -- is what doomed them. That's what I always find so hard about lucid dreams - you have to convince yourself that things won't happen the way you expect them to)
The woman agreed and left the store. She was maybe twelve feet away from the entrance (it was dark out, the streets were deserted, dry leaves blowing around - could it be more typical?) when it happened. I saw a piece of metal between her feet and suddenly KNEW it was going to be manipulated by the dark creature. The next second, it swung upwards and... into her crotch.
So she was screaming and stuff, and I was thinking, "Wow, bizarre, okay. And also oh my GOD ." The boy rushed out and suddenly, the woman was kind of missing a leg (before she was dead, she was pretty. Did I mention that? Oops)
So then, she picked up the EVIL METAL! and swung it into the boy's head. Just like that, he was dead and I was fucking freaking out because I knew she was now the dark thing's puppet.
Convenience-store-lady went berserk. She came up to the glass door and started breaking it and I, being an idiot, pointed a finger gun at her face.
Yep. A finger gun.
As in, my last three fingers were folded and the last one was pointed at her face, with my thumb bobbing up and down the mime a trigger.
A finger gun.
To be fair, I had realized for the second or third time that this was a dream and tried willing my finger gun into a real gun.
It didn't work, but all that effort jerked me awake, so thank god for my stupidity.
I was really scared, though. When I think about it, the dream was pretty fucking funny, but it wasn't really... the action itself that made me afraid. It was the fact that I couldn't wake up. I really, really couldn't wake up.
At some point, I was aware of my surroundings in reality and I could actually hear myself breathing but I couldn't... exist there. I couldn't control my limbs or even begin to re-enter my body, as weird as that sounds. So my heavy breathing, my fear, was a soundtrack playing in the background of my nightmare, even as the darkness pounded on Lily's bedroom door. I could hear myself breathing and I couldn't get back to that.
I felt like I was stuck three levels below the surface of reality.
I had had a dream within a dream (maybe even a dream within a dream within a dream) and I was worried I had buried myself too deeply.
Basically, I was afraid I'd be like that guy in inception - stuck in my own head.
I texted Caroline about it because I didn't want to fall back asleep (my body was being really annoying. It tingled and my limbs weren't listening and ugh. It's mad at me because I've been depriving it).
Anyway, essay time.. Dunno if any of this makes sense but it really freaked me out.
I feel better, now. If this were to happen again, I'd pursue the dream, I think. Or try at least. I looked it up and it's relatively normal, I think.
Adrian always tells me that he can tell I'm a writer by the way I talk and I always feel so... I just love that compliment. I wish he would tell me what exactly it is about the way I talk that gives him that impression, though.
But still. That compliment just makes me so happy. It surprises me, because I think I'm pretty bad at expressing myself out loud.