2015-10-18 16:13:41 (UTC)

Creaky Bones

October 18, 2015 Sunday 4:32 PM

I'll write more eventually, but I'm exhausted right now...

Something I failed to mention: last week, I did the puking thing again... Maybe I did mention it. I can't remember. Point is, that's twice this month and my organs have been hurting since late August. It's probably nothing horrible, maybe an infection or something, I dunno. I'll go to the doctor's at some point. It feels like someone's curling a finger underneath my ribs. Ugh.

This weekend, we went up to the mountains. I shall call the area Gold Bay, off Lake Fred.

Liv came with us. It was so amazing, but I kind of want to DIE because I have so much homework... APUSH is actually killing me wow. I didn't get any work done this weekend.

I mostly spent the whole time wandering around with Liv and this friend we made, who I'll call Brennan.

Brennan is so nice. He's a freshman in high school in the capital city. He's about an inch shorter than me (I'm 5'3") and wow, why do my lips taste like vodka???? Oh god, that's so gross. I haven't drank any alcohol...

Oh, yeah, anyway. Brennan's awesome. He's our new best friend. I hope we keep in touch with him.

He's so bony!!! And double-jointed like crazy. His arm can frickin reach around his other side and wave to people. His hands are actual spiders.

I think Brennan dislikes himself somewhat, but he likes us. He says he can be himself, and that's nice. If I weren't so tired, this would be easier. He has a very nice smile, though. Like, his face wrinkles up and it's just so genuine haha. I'm pretty much always jealous of other people's smiles. It's odd, because when I think about it, I usually can't see anyone's smile. I can only see brightness.

I was thinking about solid lines.

Liv's personality is made of solid lines. She's defined.

She does not like gum at all. She knows what she finds offensive and what she does not. She does not like store-bought lotion (she'll only use shea butter or coconut oil) and chastises me when I shave my arms. She'll say what she means and is always so open, it's like... she can't be hurt.

I wish I could do that, but i can't. I'm so private that it kind of hurts. It's all because of my aversion to emotions, haha.

Brennan asked me why I don't have a lot of friends. He said, "I don't understand, you're so awesome."

I told him that it's hard to be friends with me. I change a lot. I'm hot and cold. I'll touch and hug you and smile at you one day and, seemingly overnight, I'll look... annoyed, I guess. Scared. Distracted. Who knows. And so it's hard to be my friend at first. It gets easier after awhile.

I hate how difficult I am, honestly. Ow, my back hurts. I'm just tired.

I'm in a good mood, but so sleepy.

My personality isn't so tangible like Liv's... I feel faded. Or undecided, I guess. I have a hard time changing things about myself, but it (the finger under my ribs is curling and it hurts) still feels like just...


Boring???? Kind of? Like I can't commit to any trait that I have. I'm always just a little of something. There is never an "always" when it comes to me. It'd be nice if there were.

Oh, yeah. That brings me to future fears. I'm not good at anything! I mean, I'm not terrible at most things, but never am I good enough to see any kind of future in.. whatever it is I'm doing

(I'm so sorry, by the time I reach the end of a sentence, I've forgotten the beginning. I'm exhausted. I apologize for the mess of words that is this entry)

There's another thing I've been thinking about.

In my opinion, thinking you're older than you actually are is kind of a way of feeling superior to others.

I think about this because Liv says she feels older, like an adult, and so she can't really click with the people at school too well.

And while, yeah, some things about Liv are very mature, there are other parts of her that remind me of an eight year old. That's not a bad thing.

I guess it just reminds me of myself. I used to think I was more mature than the people around me? That I saw more than they did?? And that's just a way of saying "I'm better than you."

Perhaps more subtle, but essentially the same thing.

Since then, I've found that, if anything, I'm inferior to the general population.

I don't want to think THAT either because I read somewhere that thinking you're better or worse than anyone is basically saying that you feel "special" and you're not. You're not special.

I'm so hypocritical, though, because I see that a lot of people around me ARE special. Maybe not to others, but to me. So there's a chance I'm special to other people.

That doesn't change the fact that I kind of think I'm better and worse at the same time. But thinking that doesn't make it true.

Most likely, I'm average, like I am with everything else. I guess I should take comfort in that, but I don't want to be average. I don't want there to BE an average. I don't want there to be a generalization that I'll inevitably find myself crammed into, no.

I don't know, I just want things to be simple sometimes. A world where my thoughts don't go very far and I get bored looking out the window and get lonely sitting at home for a week. None of those things is true right now and sometimes I appreciate it.

Not easy, though. And I like easy. I'm so tired.

I'm such an old woman, haha (physically). My bones are so creaky.................

I feel so odd. The leaves up here are bright orange and yellow and red. Funny how warm colors are brought on by cold weather.