theolor

MyDarknessLives
2015-10-14 20:28:01 (UTC)

So Selfish

9:20 PM

I finished watching the last bit of the Anime "Sword Art Online II" (Yes I watched SAO I first) and it had me crying and realizing how selfish I am. I know I talked about wanting to die before and sometimes I feel that way and sometimes I want to live and sometimes I want to live yet would die if someone for example held a gun to my head but I realize that there are people who are terminally ill and who really have no choice in the matter, their life is being sucked away from them and they have to die but want to live so much and it made me think of how much of an asshole I am for wanting to throw my life away when I have been given so much and basically have everything in life that keeps me comfortable and many people don't have that. I just hit new level of self-hatred.

I actually wrote most of this earlier but accidentally went back a page and it deleted it so I had to retype it. My Australian friend who I talked about did get on one night and sent me a message but hasn't logged in sense so at least I know I am alive and that took that trigger away so now I'm having mostly alright days with only traces of depression. I think I am getting close with medication to being alright, I wasn't so sure when he was increasing my meds to deal with Mania, I never thought about Mania leading to crashes in my emotions/mood. Most of the time I am feeling alright but I get these slight etches of depression in there so I know I am getting close.

Today my mother, my sister, and I went to Red Lobster (a seafood place) and I had the endless shrimp which was really good, I loved the garlic ones... I am addicted to garlic I swear. After that we headed over to Version to pay off my old phone and switch back which took a while but we got it to work. I have my Droid Mini now which I love.... I took today to reflect on how I have been given everything in life and I feel completely unworthy and I also feel so selfish that I wanted to die when other people who were dying at such a young age wanted to live. I still believe I have an angelic soul -- at least I put my hope in it. I feel though I am absolutely useless when it comes to everything, I never knew what career I wanted and the only thing I was good at was studying history but like thats going to do anything for a career...... When I did work I always got panic attacks and my mental state and emotions deteriorated so fast (within a year) that led to several mental collapses and many months of severe depression... I don't know, I fear that someday I will be taken off disability and end up homeless.
This first picture is of Sword Art Online Anime, one of my personal favorites.




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