LustingforNightmares

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2015-10-13 17:04:39 (UTC)

Sense Of Humor

"Out of Gas" by Modest Mouse


October 13, 2015 Tuesday 5:12 PM

Fuck, I have the PSAT's tomorrow.

*children cheer half-heartedly*

Thanks, kids.

Oh, man, I have a headache. I feel like I've had a headache for days...

Okay. Let's catch you up.

Caroline came home this weekend. We went out to eat after picking her up on Friday night. When we got home, Caroline and I stayed up late and with homemade hot chocolate and a movie.

The movie was Coraline. Dunno when I last wrote.

Today was nice. I had a field trip, which was okay. Brock was pressuring me to join his Women's Activism group. He kept saying "no pressure!" but that's a goddamn lie. He was pressuring.

It's not that I don't want equality - it's that I already regret agreeing to be a Gay-Straight Alliance captain.

Not because I don't believe in the cause, but because I feel like we have no impact... I don't see the effects. Do other people see them??? I mean??? And also, I'm pretty sure people don't like it.

I don't want to stop doing the Gay-Straight Alliance, don't get me wrong. I like making posters for him and I like helping think of ideas for meeting topics, I'm just not... a straight-out activist.

I'm sorry, but I'm not. I'm not a people-person. I love people but I can't, can't, can't spend large amounts of time with them and I can't make them relax (hell, I can't even make myself relax) so I'm just not good for that stuff! Brock always says he's not pressuring me to do any of this actual speaking out type thing, but he looks disappointed and it just...

Brock is also kind of passive aggressive and it's hard for me to tell what he's thinking. Ugh.

I will not be going to Peer as much in the future. I'm joining a couple other clubs that will (no offense to Brock) actually help improve my future. One of them being something about Black and Latino people (me being the latter. Although anyone can join, really) and giving them college opportunities, the other being the Youth In Government club.

Youth and Government is technically today in a half an hour but I can't go today - too much to do. I'm wasting time.

Well, fine. I felt kind of social today?? I interacted somewhat with other people and it was just nice. It was fun. I didn't feel very distracted, although my human thoughts won't go away and I hate them.

This morning, I was looking at the Beautiful Boy's face. And body. Because he's sexy. Really sexy. Okay. He's got such a strange (strange as in wonderful) face... His features are so small. Here I am, with big eyes and big everything else (on the face, that is). And then, all his features are all delicate and things.

He was smiling a lot today. I feel like he doesn't often turn around in his desk to socialize - he's reserved, kind of. Doesn't seem nervous, just quiet. Anyway, it struck me as unusual but it might not have been. Soon after that, I left on the field trip. I was only in the room because I had nowhere else to go while waiting for the first period bell to ring.

Oh, yeah, haha. I told my APUSH teacher, Mr. Washington, that my field trip was down the street.

Washington: Where exactly down the street?

Me: Oh, the white house on the corner by the church.

Washington: .... heh?

Me: The Jesus House

Washington: *an actual snort of laughter*

Me: D'ya know it?

Washington: I mean yea but isn't it some multicultural house owned by [insert local university name here] blah blah blah like can't it be the Buddha house

Me: I don't really know why they call it the Jesus House. There's only like two pictures of Jesus in there anyway...

Washington: *another snort of laughter*

I frickin love Mr. Washington. On Friday, I had to write an essay (an essay that was supposed to be done today. I did it in advance because, y'know, field trip) and so I was in his room and I talked a bit with him.

He's so funny!!!! And so easy to talk to, with such a non-offensive sense of humor! So weird. Although he insults himself a lot in his jokes... "Yea I sent you guys a Powerpoint via email with a recording of me lecturing. Sorry you have to listen to my terrible voice"

Anyway, I like him.

I haven't seen Mr. Sandwich all day! I'll see him tomorrow after the PSAT's probably.

Ughh I'm going to have so much Chem work to make up. Spanish is easy as fucking fuck so that won't matter.

Lily gave me a ride home today, along with J and Laney. J's usually in the car every day, which I have failed to mention.

J has a freshman girlfriend!

A LIL SUMTHIN' SUMTHIN' 'BOUT J:

He's an asshole. Kind of like Mr. Sandwich and Ethan. He's mean, basically. Like, his jokes are mean and he's basically sarcastic and awful all the time, which is why I like him.

He likes to complain about EVERYTHING. Again, why I like him. I wish I knew how to convey these people to you. The best way is probably through example.


J [out the window]: GEORGE, YOU SUCK

Me: You blew out my ear drums (he yelled it out of MY window and had to lean over to get to it)

Me [me, out the window, apologizing to George]: I'M SORRY! (I don't know if he heard me, though.)

J: I considered yelling "Don't shoot cops!" but there were a lot of black people so ...

please be aware this was a joke. This is what I mean when I say he's an ass okay hahaa

I don't know if I actually found this funny or not. A month or so ago, there was a problem with the cops. Y'know, vaguely VAGUELY like Ferguson, only much milder. There was a shooting and people were protesting. So yeah. That hasn't much to do with it but still.

I still don't think I found this very funny, though, because it's such a sensitive topic and I don't find it all that humorous to yell don't shoot cops?? I mean, yeah, I don't think you should do that. But I also think there's some issues in the whole justice system. Yeah ok.

Then again, I think part of the world's problems stem from people's inability to take jokes. So I try not to be offended. Personal attacks on others are usually what get to me, or really horrible jokes

like this one time, a kid threw himself off a building and Ethan said, "Did you hear about the kid in so-and-so high school? He dropped out."

This was literally the day after this happened.... I'm a horrible person because I found that joke funny, but the mean part is the insensitivity to other's grief/worry.

Also, I can't judge the world based on what offends me because almost nothing offends me. That's what happens when you grow up around people like Ethan haha.


OKAY MOVING ON, CHRIST. I don't think I know whether or not something is offensive, which is why the above paragraphs are probably confusing. I don't have a solid standing on what's awful and what's not. I don't have a line. All I know is that sometimes these jokes are appropriate and sometimes they're not - I usually judge this using other people's limits, not my own. Mine are very lenient, if you could not tell.

My sense of humor can vary from very stupid to very dry to very Ricky Gervais. You know what I mean. The Office is probably the best example of what I find funny, honestly. That's my favorite goddamn show. I also like Louis (with Louis CK) but it's really depressing sometimes haha. He's got humor like Mr. Washington - jokes at his own expense.

We were talking about whether or not our parents "wanted" us (meant to have a baby, I mean).

My parents did. I never asked them, but I assume that's the case because they tried having a baby before me and ended with a miscarriage. That reminds me, I haven't seen my non-existent brother in awhile...

Anyway.

J: My parents didn't want me, they wanted a girl.

Me [excited]: Oh my god!!! If you were a girl, would you still be an asshole????

J [also excited]: Hell yeah!!!!

Me: !!! Oh my god that would be amazing! Turn into a girl, now!

We then proceeded to high five, bonding over our acknowledgement of his insensitivity. This pleased me very much.

PLUS! PLUS! Lily bought me a hot chocolate. I told her not to, but of course she didn't listen because she's Lily and Lily does nice things for me whether or not I ask her to. God, I love her.

We talked about the strange boy in my Chemistry lab class, who sits next to us. I told them about his vague strange-ness ad then J launched into a story about how he kept doing this high-pitched snickering in response to a conversation he wasn't included in???

J said "he's fuckin weird" but I told him that I still like the boy. I like his strangeness. Oh yeahhhh! Now I remember.

J said, "I bet you he was an accident" (birth wise)

And THAT'S how we launched into that conversation. J sucks, haha. I hope the Chem Lab boy never has to hear that stuff. I think J is aware that his clumsy teasing is not something well-received by the majority of the population. Whatever.

He swears a lot. I was trying to imagine him substituting non-swear words in his vocabulary. His reply was to get out of the car and get caught on something whilst doing so, saying "Oh fudgecicle!" Yeah, it was just as alien a sound as I had expected, haha. I am satisfied.

Okay so. The day was good. I got to talk to Alexis. I barely EVER get to talk to Alexis. I also got to talk to Myra, who said nice things to me. I told her that she was nice and I liked her. Polaris and Myra both laughed at me, just because the words came out so frankly.

(that's me. My words are sometimes super vague and sometimes very direct. When they're direct, that usually means I didn't think about the words before I said them... oops. The rest of the time I speak relatively normally. I bet I'm annoying, though)

I dunno, the day was just nice. I was awkward, but that's part of my cute charm (according to other people at least). I liked the atmosphere.

I change my mind about the whole Brock's clubs being a waste of time thing. I like the people I get to interact with and the things I get to discuss. It's worth it. Although I still probably won't join the Women's group, due to having other shit to do. I may go to one or two meetings this year, though.

Okay. This entry is over. Sorry for it being so boring. I just felt like recording this so the next time I'm sad, or numb, or something, I can come back and look at this and remember that once, I recovered and it can happen again. That sounds really dramatic.

Especially since there was not one time that I thought I was going to stay sad forever - rather, what gets me feeling pessimistic is the fact that I KNOW the happiness that follows is just as ephemeral as the depression. It's not unpredictable anymore, and now I'm stuck wondering how to fix it.

I guess I could always adjust medication, but I'm afraid to do that... Afraid to be have to go through all that again. Afraid because the lowering and rising of dosages will ACTUALLY make me unpredictable and paranoid because I will no longer know if my moods are real or synthetic.

On the Wellbutrin, I know it's real. It's been this way forever, even before the meds. And the meds... They keep me up longer, I think. They give me the energy to keep going, even when I'm depressed. I don't want to risk all of this.

The worst part is that I know I can't be on Wellbutrin forever. Eventually, I'll grow tolerance for it. Eventually, I'll want to do this on my own. Eventually....

There is no good time to stop taking my medication. There is no good time to experiment. Life keeps going and time is only passing faster. I have deadlines everywhere - there is no WAY the world will slow down so I have time to figure things out. No WAY.

So yeah. Anyway, I don't worry about that very often.


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