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2015-10-11 00:33:27 (UTC)

Heart Break In The Morning (And Afternoon, and Night)

"This Things Between Us Is A Rickety Bridge Of Impossible Crossing/ Bonfires for Nobody" by Set Fire To Flames

[I highly suggest this little arrangement of sounds. It creates a bit of nostalgia in me and hopefully, it has a similar effect on others.]

October 11, 2015 Sunday 12:34 AM

[Quick note: I'm sorry about still not having replied. If I don't reply by Monday, that means I probably won't exist until the end of October. With this weekend ends most of my free time. Around the 23rd or so is when I'll hopefully be able to breathe again??? Thanks, school.]

So I think my heart broke about twenty times today. Blame it on two beautiful creatures, really. I don't totally mind, though, because I missed them and I'm glad their absence is back.

Does that... make any kind of actual sense? Or have I really lost my marbles this time?

(If anything, the losing of my marbles would have been caused by me, rolling them one-by-one into a little mouse hole with an arched doorway, like you see in cartoons. I always wondered how those little homes appeared on the inside. Then I realized they're not real and wondering about such fantasies are not worth my time. I was very practical. Well, not really actually. Because even though I knew it wasn't real, I entertained the thoughts and imagined small tables just beyond the darkness of doorways I'd never seen and I saw, in my mind's eye, a family of mice at a table and they loved each other. They weren't real, was my persistent thought, but it didn't matter. I was alone, except for the stories in my head, just like everyone else. That's probably why we all like to believe in things that must be impossible. That's probably why I like to believe I'm important, and why I sometimes tell myself I'm not alone in my head. I think this whole paragraph means nothing and I wasted your time, sorry.)

Sigh. Where was I? Trying to explain my inner thoughts, as usual. Cooooool. Right. So the absence of a couple of lovely creatures have returned and, while that absence is painful, I'm glad that it's within me again???

It hits me over and over and over and over again, but that's better than it never hitting me again.

These past couple weeks, with my odd numbness, I haven't been able to miss anyone or love anyone or anything and so now that's its back (maybe the feeling is temporary, but I'm grateful), I'm incredibly glad. Despite the frustrating ache in my heart and the terrible urge to thrust my hand into the past and fuckin' grab them before anything bad can happen.

Oh my gosh, I'm so cold. I love autumn.

Oh, yeah. I just wanted to talk a bit about my dreams. So I visited Elise's facebook page (I do that occasionally, usually when I'm thinking about her. It's odd to see the posts people have written about her, but I appreciate it. Never really got a complete picture, did I? What is it with me an overly long parentheses?) and her mother had posted something about a dream she'd had

(this post was actually made around the time I started school but, like I said, the visiting of her page is an occasional thing. I usually just think about her, if I'm up to contemplating painful things that particular day haha)

The dream was something with Elise visiting her and telling her everything was fine and beautiful and yeah. Her mother had said that she wasn't very good at remembering good dreams so she couldn't go into very much detail and, I dunno, the whole paragraph impacted me deeply. Even more so when she wrote that it was the first time Elise visited her in a dream since it happened.

I know it's not all that much of a coincidence, but I had also had my first dream about her a little before that and it had a similar atmosphere to it, with Elise glowing in a very surreal way, faded at the edges and she was calm and we spoke. The difference being that I can't remember anything we said to each other and I don't think I knew she was dead in the dream.

It just made me sad. I was a little cheered up when I realized that things like that can break my heart again. It feels... It feels like relief, to be able to feel that kind of pain. I want to say "unselfish" pain but that's not really accurate, because grief is always selfish. But I'd say it's less self-pitying than the kind of sadness I'm used to, it's less populated with thoughts of myself, and that is my own definition of relief.

Last night, my dream had April in it, which of course made me kind of want to die for a split second after I woke up.

(This is why I can never think about those creatures for very long after they've gone, because I can only handle so much of that confusing ache)

She was warm, as she always is in my dreams, and she nuzzled me and didn't let me go. It was like I'd just gotten home from school or something, that's how much she missed me. Of course, she was never excited enough to do that as her puppy enthusiasm faded.

I wasn't going to say that last part but I always hear about how people only talk about the good things after death (yes, April was a dog, I know... I'm always pretty defensive about that) and I very much value honesty.

Her not being excited anymore is not a thing I want to remember. I want to remember us playing hide and seek in the graveyard. And her, throwing herself in mud puddles (to my dismay, because that meant I'd have to spend the next hour bathing her, and she HATES baths)



So my dream was pretty sad and weird. There were some naked old women because I watched Coraline last night (pretty movie, but I've decided that it's no longer a favorite of mine because I wouldn't watch it again. I do absolutely adore the characters, though, so I might read the book, and I love how disturbing the animation was) and there's a scene with... well, naked-ish old women. Who proceeded to unzip their skin... Okay. That was creepy, honestly, and I loved it.


Okay, well, Adrian was in it for awhile. He was also in the really scary ass dream I had on Wednesday night.

In both those dreams, we were really physically close. Why are we always touching each other in dreams!!! I don't get it!!! I don't even like Adrian that way!!!

I like him very much, though, and I've been feeling guilty because my depressed-jerk-self has been pushing him, among others, away as of late. !!
>:( I'm mad at myself for not being brave. For not even having enough courage to consider bravery, really.

Anyway, in the Wednesday dream, I was sitting on his lap and we were rocking back and forth and it was pleasant. I fell asleep briefly in this dream. I had a similar dream like four months ago where I fell asleep on the floor next to Adrian??? Okay.

Well, in last night's dream, I don't think we actually touched much but for some reason, I really wanted to snuggle him (the phrase "snuggle him" reminds me of Liv because she always tells me nice things and one of them is "you smell really good and I want to snuggle you").

I dunno why the desire to just be close to him was so intense??? It's really weird when I think about it. I don't find him unattractive (thinking briefly of Malcolm. He's not ugly but I hate the idea of being anywhere close to him. He's held my hand and stuff and I can deal with that when we're in Peer without being uncomfortable but, otherwise, I think it's weird because we're not even vaguely close).

Maybe my brain just wants me to trust him or maybe he's my go-to dream cuddle-er because he's so safe. Adrian is the kind of soft, vibrant person that would never hurt or judge you intentionally and so... Even though I can't say I trust him, I can say I probably could. Maybe. ??? Maybe not actually. The idea seems weird.

I don't even completely trust Liv. I trust my sister, but that's easy because she's been with me forever.....

I should go to bed what the hell am I going on about.

My self-esteem is... recovering? Kinda??? I still keep finding myself unconsciously disgusted with my body and things but you know what

-my legs are fucking soft
-I smell fucking good (Liv will attest to this)
-I'm a good cuddle-er (see above witness)
-my neck/shoulder area is really sensitive. That's a plus. More for me than anyone else actually, haha, but whatever. It does get kind of weird when someone's leaning on my shoulder and I'm just thinking "ohhhh thats nice..." but hey
-my hair is soft i guess (not right now, but still)
-I've got nice eyes
-my skin is not super terrible. Not the best, but definitely not the worst.
-my hands look nice when they're cold (oH MY GOD, LIV SAID THIS TO ME THE OTHER DAY AND I WAS SO AMAZED AND HAPPY BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW ANYONE ELSE FELT THAT WAY. I should give her a hug when I next see her)




(yay, Carry The Zero is playing!!! This is like my favorite Built To Spill song)

Okay, I'll be fine. Except for that I may have a heart attack.

Caroline and I discussed Mr. Sandwich and his strange-ness, especially concerning his suddenly sad contributions to conversation.

She agreed that his way of going about such confessions is unusual. We both like it.

She also said that she thinks Sandwich is secretly a sensitive guy, and I agree??? He's sensitive in weird ways, though. Like, I think that if a semi-stranger were to call him a fucking asshole who can't teach for shit, he wouldn't care.

But if someone he had gotten to know were to say it, I think it would affect him more then he let on (unless he's so complex that he's able to fake being complex. Like... IDK he's insensitive to the point that he occasionally fakes sensitivity as a joke when really, he doesn't give a shit... I'm tired, my ramblings are making even LESS sense).

(NOTICE: Sandwich is not a fucking asshole who can't teach for shit. He's a good teacher and a lovely asshole.)

Like, when I didn't give him something for Teacher Appreciation Day, he jokingly said I hated him and stuff. Not in a passive aggressive way or anything (I would hate that), but just...

He has a way of being both straightforward and utterly mysterious, which is why he's one of the most interesting people I've ever met (that's saying a lot, considering I've met soooo many odd peepz... oh god, I used the word peeps. I think that's the fifth time this week).

So yes. Sandwich will joke and say I hate him or that I think his food sucks (he brings in food sometimes and I get to eat it. He's a very good cook. I like being friends with a teacher haha) but you can never tell if it actually bothers him or if he's just poking fun or both???

I'm comprising a list of the things he says often to give him when I graduate (Caroline gave me the idea).

Now I've gotten distracted because I'm thinking about his very attractive son... Nice. Nice. I wonder what his personality is like? Too good for me but hey, still nice to know. As you can see, the self-esteem has not bounced back. "bounced back" hah yeah, that implies there was something there in the first place

There's a kid in our lunch group (Sandwich's classroom AKA the room where Kool Kids go) with mossy green eyes.

They're really, really beautiful eyes and he himself is rather pretty. Something about his smile (his teeth are not perfect, but I think he'd look odd with perfect teeth. I like the arrangement he's got now, it's pleasing to the eye) and maybe his sense of humor and voice.

(I have a weakness for sense of humor, honestly)

(Making me laugh is the most important thing you can do for me)

(I think that's because it relaxes me and makes me forget everything for a moment and that's such an amazing gift... I'm so sappy ahha)

Dunno. I find him attractive in the same way I find Teddy Bear Guy (see Creepy Entry from a couple weeks ago. Teddy Bear is a farmer boy who will always be okay) attractive.

Neither of them are very angular and they have easy smiles and bright eyes and they're burly-ish.

I think I'm one for extremes, haha. Because the very, very beautiful boy (I want to call him a bird, but I don't want to damage his masculinity. Who knows if he's actually insecure when it comes to that stuff but let me just be safe)

Anyway. So many problems with parentheses today, sheesh...

Beautiful boy is tall and on the thin-side (he's so, so, so long. Long legs and long arms and long muscles) and he's angular. He's got his soft parts, of course. There's a pocket type thing under his eye. Um.... I'm trying to describe it in a way that does not sound horrifying haha, because it's actually very pretty.

Basically, you can see both the top part of his eyelid and the part of his eyelid that is under... his... eye....

Goddamnit. I give up.

But yeah, mostly angles there. They're not scary sharp. Skin is nice that way, draping itself over bone and making the sight less painful. Like if you were to put a blanket over a table. It just makes the edges softer. Aesthetically pleasing, y'know?

Oh my gosh my neck. It's tingling and I want it to stop, it's distracting wow.

(Kicked It In The Sun is playing!!! Another favorite yayy)

Okay, I may go to bed now...

I want to talk more about other people but it's almost two in the morning now and I've ranted enough about things that will never matter.