Friends and Complaints and Nightmares
"Silver Springs" by Fleetwood Mac [tried playing this for Liv last weekend and she was like, "No, change it now," but I think it's pretty]
October 8, 2015 Thursday 5:57 PM
Today, I was in Mr. Sandwich's room (he is a Ceramics teacher. I dunno if I've ever mentioned that) during lunch. We were talking and Sandwich mentioned that he was watching "a show about witches" and when we asked what it was, he said American Horror Story. So then, Lily and Laney and I proceeded to murmur, "oh, yes," "ooooh," "that was a good season."
He said, "Yea. The pretty one died already, though." He meant the girl who was played by Emma Roberts. I said, "I like the Stevie Nicks girl,"
"Oh yeah, she's cool... I'm surprised you know who that is. I'm impressed" (he said this a couple weeks ago, too, when I mentioned that I liked Local Natives. I don't know why he's always so surprised??? Yes, I listen to good music???)
My reply, "Everyone knows Fleetwood Mac."
"Name one other person in this school who knows Fleetwood Mac,"
I couldn't, but I asked Laney if she knew Fleetwood Mac or Stevie Nicks. She did, but only through their fame and American Horror Story haha. We kept talking about it for a bit and then Sandwich got to a really sad subject, which is basically why I'm writing today???
He said, "Fleetwood Mac was my sister's favorite band, before she died."
She committed suicide. I know this because a couple years ago, around the time I tried to kill myself, someone (probably Caroline) told me. I didn't know Mr. Sandwich at the time, though.
He began this kind of monologue about how he went to her house after she died, to reminisce, and found her favorite Fleetwood Mac record on the turntable (Rumours)and so he took it home with him, "So I could listen to it whenever I wanted and be sad. Sometimes you want to be sad."
It's always so strange to hear him say things like that because he's literally ALWAYS cracking jokes
(Alex's Grandmother is the most famous joke, but would take to long to explain. He's also famous for saying "Rrrreally" while doing finger quotes, which is kind of his way of saying hello. And saying,
"turkey neck freak"
"shut the ass up"
"dead to the a"
"dead to the ass"
There's fucking more. I should make a list...
The other day, I was eating a chicken patty and complaining about how little ketchup had been left. I showed Sandwich my bun with the little dollop of ketchup and he said, "That looks like a used maxi pad"
which is basically his sense of humor and I kind of find it hilarious.
OH YEAH. He also makes this high squeaking noise and get's all wide-eyed??? It's not exactly a laugh, but he uses it to replace his laugh. I think to freak people out. I laugh every time. Ok I'm done sorry)
So... Um. Oh yeah. So it's always strange to hear him discuss such serious things. He's going to write a memoir, which makes me very excited because he tells such interesting stories (what's nice is he always reminds me of Bukowski and Elise and ah). His life has been kind of unconventional, I think. He was either adopted or in foster care for the longest time. He was homeless during college, I believe, and slept under a bridge (those stories are always fun to listen to).
Okay. That's that, haha. I'm trying to tell you all some more about the people in my life because they're very strange, but nothing I write seems to capture their personality. Probably because I don't really understand them all the time.
There is a kid who sits next to me in Chemistry. He's weird. He went to my small, white elementary school, but we've had very limited contact. I always thought of him as a popular kid but now I wonder, because I've realized that I never see him. I see the rest of the 'popular' kids, but never him and that is odd.
What's weird about him is that once, I saw him tracing the edge of his paper with his pencil (that doesn't sound particularly strange but it was really more about the look of concentration on his face and how closely he watched his work, like it was meaningful or something). And when I worked with him yesterday for a Chem activity, he liked to repeat things a bit under his breath (namely "bubbles" after we had to identify a sign of a chemical reaction. I think he liked the way it sounded).
He was very nice, though. I've decided that I like him.
The only person whom I actually dislike is this boy named Gordon. Another boy from elementary school. He was always kind of arrogant. Rolls his eyes when someone gets an answer wrong or when he thinks they've said something stupid and makes eye contact with another 'popular kid' and sighs dramatically, like "it's just my luck I'm stuck next to these losers"
I don't hate him. But I think he's an asshole.
Namely because he does this when sitting next to Malcolm, a friend of mine, and Moe (that weird kid whom I admire... Not the one from earlier in the entry. I talked about him ages ago but that's not important).
So yeah, he does that exasperated-sigh thing and the eye-roll-thing and the under-the-breath comment thing and I want to slap him sometimes.
I also want to slap Malcolm sometimes, though.
He makes me really fucking uncomfortable sometimes! Like today, I saw he had cake and I said, "nice" and he said, "want some?"
"Cmonnnn I know you want some"
"No, really, I don't"
and he kept insisting and I was like, "Seriously, Malcolm, no!"
And then I looked at the board and tried kind of ignoring him, since that's the only thing that ever seems to work with him. Gordon said something under his breath that I couldn't make out and then Malcolm said, "I guess you're right" or something (either to me or Gordon, I couldn't tell) and turned away.
I feel so guilty for some reason. I think it's because sometimes, I'm really embarrassed to be Malcolm's friend. There is no good reason for my embarrassment, honestly, it's just me being shitty. I know he annoys people, he even annoys me, and that makes me not want to be associated with him??? But that's wrong and I can't be like that. I feel so guilty.
Malcolm also made me uncomfortable the other day. He kept bothering me. It's partly my fault because occasionally he would say something and then I would reply and go back to my reading. But you can't just do that with Malcolm, no.
If you say something, he takes that as an opening and just. Keeps. Bothering you. I told him I wanted to do my homework but he kept insisting he was bored and needed me to entertain him. I said, "do your homework" and he said, "homework is for scrubs"
which led to our usual exchange
"then doesn't that make me a scrub?"
"Then what am I?"
The uncomfortable part was him sticking his fingers in my face and trying to take my stuff and tugging my book and generally touching things I didn't want him to touch. Last week, he drank out of my water bottle and wouldn't return it to me until the bell rang which annoyed me SO MUCH. I got it back at some point and for safe-keeping, held it between my thighs so he wouldn't be able to get it.
But no. No, he put his hand right on the bottle (his hand was touching mine) and I tried to not flinch away??? But I didn't want him near me. Near any part of me. So he got it back. I want to be assertive but I like him and I think deep down, he's sensitive and doesn't know how to properly interact???
After that, as I was walking down the hall, Malcolm put his arm around my shoulder and said, "We can pretend that never happened" and I hated it. I didn't want his arm around me and I just wanted to get away from him because I was pissed so I just said, "Yeah, okay," and quickly walked away.
Cue the guilt, because I was embarrassed that he put his arm around me. I don't like when people do that! Not unless we're good friends. Malcolm and I are not good friends. And plus, I was majorly annoyed with him and he was aware.
We don't have anything in common, other than Peer Leadership.
Ughhghghghgh. I feel so guilty.
My week has been okay. I've missed the bus every day this week... I keep waking up late. My body REALLY doesn't want to be awake anymore, goddamnit.
I hate how rebellious my brain is being. It keeps shoving these memories and thoughts and fears into my brain. And my body! My body isn't helping! My body is being heavy and tired and sluggish and it's willing itself to fall apart.
I'M not depressed, but every other part of me seems to be. I can feel it. I am so aware of how much hate is radiating from my bones and how jealous I am of other people and how low my self-esteem is.
It's not like I don't ever have negative feelings when I'm happy, but not like this. I get a little better, start to feel a little happier (such dull joy, it's so faded), and suddenly (because of one tiny thing) my mood plummets and I'm just like "FUCK you."
My bad mood is alienating people that I love and making me more awkward than usual! I've not made one new friend this year, and I'm 100% sure it's because I've stopped being able to interact on account of being stuck in the past haha (as well as a constant, waking nightmare).
I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. This is why I take anti-depressants! So this DOESN'T happen!
As I say every time, I've fine and perfectly stable (by "stable" I do not mean emotionally, I mean that I can handle it all).
I've noticed that I'm picking useless fights with my poor dad and I'm not being very excited with my friends. I can feel them getting... oh, I don't know. I can feel that THEY can feel me pulling away and they think it has something to do with them...
It doesn't. It means I'm having awful, terrible thoughts about them and those thoughts are not real, but they FEEL real. And if I continue interacting with them, I'm afraid they'll be able to read my mind. Decipher my undertones and the twinges in my expression. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I am. I'm hurting people and it only makes me hate myself more which makes me roll my goddamn eyes because it's a cycle and
How is it possible that they worked and suddenly don't?????
Why is my brain fucking with my life???????
Well, shit. That's enough of my griping. These are the things I worry about, but I am mostly ignoring it (that's another thing. I'm increasingly aware of how little vulnerability I'm willing to share with other people, how unwilling I am to put myself in any kind of emotional danger and I think I'm afraid of staying this way. Hence, me ignoring 'dangerous emotions' yknow, does this make sense).
I know this might be hard to understand, but... I am not depressed. The one who is talking now is not depressed. Every other part of me is depressed, yes, that's true and sometimes it spills over into my actual self.
But I know I'm actually happy. It's just hidden by this monster in me and it'll come back to where I can see it again.
Oh, I stayed up late last night (by late, I mean midnight. That's not very late at all but I'm a sleepy human being, even more so lately, so cut me some slack). I was studying for exams and doing homework and shit.
AP US history is really fucking hard. I like it, though. I really like it.
Umm.... I'm joining Math Society. I just asked for recommendations from a couple former teachers today. One of them was my freshman science teacher and I love her, wow, she's so nice. She said, "I have an excuse to write nice things about you!"
When I told Alexis about the whole Math Society application process (I got invited to apply because I got an above 85 on my Algebra 2/Trig regent test. ALSO FOUND OUT I GOT A 99 ON MY GLOBAL HISTORY FINAL. FUCK! I WAS ONE POINT AWAY FROM 100!!! I'm saddened. I wanted to get an 100 for my teacher because she's the best teacher I think I've ever had)
When I told Alexis about the application process, she said, "Jeez, that sounds boring," but I'm really excited. She was excited for me (I'm glad, because I'm very happy that she likes science so much?? So much positive energy. Alexis is an amazing human) I have to write an essay but I quickly wrote up two different drafts (there were a couple different prompts and so I wrote a draft for the ones I could do) in like twenty minutes so it should be easy.
I like math so much this year.
Oh yeah. Last night, I had a nightmare and I almost didn't want to go back to sleep because I was so scared.
Yeah. I haven't had such a bad one in a loonnnng time. Even when I had my spider dream and woke up crying, I went back to sleep. I didn't cry this time but I did have trouble breathing.
All that really happened was that I was alone on the school soccer field in the pitch darkness. For some reason, I got angry and threw my water bottle as hard as I could. And then, someone handed it back to me a second later. My fingers brushed their cold ones and I got this horrified feeling in my stomach when I realized that... I had fucking thrown my bottle and I was supposed to be alone, so how did I get it back and whose fingers were those? I woke up when I touched their arm because I they were going to kill me.
After I fell back asleep again, I had another creepy dream. I wasn't all that afraid. I was just trapped and had no escape from this castle and we were being chased by a monster.
These nightmares were probably caused by my new habit of listening to the NoSleep Podcast as I'm falling asleep. It's a collection of horror stories taken from Reddit NoSleep basically, haha.
Well, see ya. I have homework. I kind of like doing homework hhaa.
THIS IS A NOTICE:
Hi, if you have sent me a message that I have yet to reply to (this is just to one person, pretty much. Hi Dane???), I'm sorry, I'll get to that tomorrow. I've had a hectic week. At least I think I have. I don't remember most of it haha.
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