My Diary
2015-10-08 04:25:09 (UTC)

my story

Looking back, my teenage years were a nightmare, but at the time it seemed so cool. I was not supervised like I should have been. My mother had me when she was only 17 years old, and unfortunately, she did not grow up. I was raised by my grandmother, and when she was around, she was an amazing parent, but she had a job in the petroleum industry. She made a lot of money, but worked eight to five every day, which mean that I had a lot of free time as a teenager.
The beginning of the era that makes me want to puke every time that I think about it started in 8th grade. I remember longing to be cool. I had a group of friends. One of my best friends was somewhat of a whore. We were only thirteen years old, but she was already having sex with fifteen year olds. The turning point was when I decided to skip school with a boy that she had been talking to. Nothing happened between us, but I know she thought something did. She began to bully me and turn everyone against me. Eventually I was bullied out of my middle school.
I attended middle school in the city after that. My previous middle school was in a suburb that I lived in. My new middle school was very nice, but I screwed it up fast. Apparently the school had a “popular couple”, but how was I supposed to know. I was brand new. Long story short, I was the girl that broke the “popular couple” up. A lot of people at my new school started to hate me. I began dating the boy, and eventually we had sex. I lost my virginity at thirteen years old. To this day, and I am 21 years old now, that is still one of my biggest regrets. Well word got around at my new school, and I was quickly labeled the whore. I didn’t care though because I still had a few friends, and it was way better than the first school.
I was devastated that summer when my grandma told me that I had to go to the high school by my house. The one that the girls who had originally bullied me were going to go to. At first it was okay going there. I had a pretty large group of friends that I used to skip school and smoke with, but eventually one of the girls who didn’t like me started to bully me again. One day she tried to fight me in school, and we both got suspended. That was when I transferred to the high school in the city where everyone I knew from the second middle school went.
I started to get a little out of control. I started hanging out with gangsters. At the time I thought it was so cool, but it was actually very pathetic. I started smoking a lot of weed and drinking a lot, and keep in mind I was only fifteen at this point. That year, my sophomore year in high school is kind of a blur, but there is one night that I unfortunately remember very clearly. I was hanging out with a bunch of gangsters and I got so drunk that I puked multiple times. I also had sex with three guys that night. Even though I was extremely drunk, I feel a huge amount of guilt because of that night. That was one of the lowest points in my life.
Shortly after, still fifteen, I started dating this guy who was nineteen. He was also a “tattoo artist”. I now have five tattoos that I regret, and have started the removal process for three of them. All we used to do was smoke, have sex, and do stupid tattoos. Then he went to jail for armed robbery. I was upset, but looking back, I am EXTREMELY glad that happened. He’s still in jail to this day.
The next year, the year I turned sixteen, I was a junior in high school. I started smoking a huge amount of weed. I would ask for lunch money to buy weed, but I needed more. I started stealing money from family members’ purses. Another low point that I will always regret. I was smoking so much weed that I became aggressive and angry when I was not high. I would go to school high, go get high at lunch time, get high after school, and then go get high again that night. This happened every day for about the first four months of my junior year, until I met a guy. When I met this guy, I had no idea that he would have such a huge impact on my life. We started dating and got really close. At the end of my junior year, I discovered that I was pregnant. We kept it a secret for a while, but I knew that I had to change my life at this point. When I told my family they were upset, but willing to help.
I had my daughter at the beginning of my senior year in high school. Luckily, my high school had a daycare because there were so many teen moms. My daughter went to the daycare at school while I finished my senior year. I was able to graduate on time with the rest of my class.
I’m in college now, and a mother to an almost 4 year old. Although I’m extremely ashamed of my past, I am very proud of myself and happy with where I am now. I’m glad that I was able to change for my daughter. I’m also very thankful for her because I’m not sure where I would be right now if she had never been born. My life could have gone a completely different direction. Before I got pregnant, I had pretty much accepted the fact that I would never go to college and I would probably have ended up being a stripper or something. After I got pregnant I knew that I had to go to college and get a good degree to provide for myself and my daughter. It was not about me anymore, it was about her.
I know that most likely no one will read this, but it was kind of therapeutic to type it all out. I think that it will help to kind of move on with my life. I need to stop thinking about and regretting my past all the time.

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