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2015-10-04 20:14:16 (UTC)

I'm a Little Bit Dead

"Kicked It In The Sun" by Built To Spill

He woke up late that morning
Went to the window and saw the sun had stopped its shining so so
We're special in other ways
Ways our mothers appreciate

October 4, 2015 Sunday 8:25 PM

Well, I WAS going to write about how I'm still all depressed but then I read one of my favorite diaries and it was funny. She's a really good frickin' writer, damn. I envy her skill.

I'm still depressed and everything but I'm in a much better mood :)

I'll still record it anyway, since I'm not planning on getting all teary-eyed over this situation anyway (what's the point if it's just gonna happen again?).

Basically, this week sucked and I wanted to stab myself in the temple the whole time, or maybe murder ten people. No. Neither of those things. But having those thoughts are mildly therapeutic, haha.

Friday was better. It felt like things were on the up, y'know? Like things were getting better, kinda??? And I was like, "Shit, yes, this mood is almost over HAH" but apparently I was mistaken.

S'okay. Eventually, it'll leave me alone. And then come back. And then go away again. And so on. I will be patient. The more closely I watch myself, the faster I can figure out how to make it stop.

Honestly, it doesn't impact my life a whole lot anymore, but it's horrible to deal with anyway. The most that changes is my demeanor, I think. I'm already not the friendliest person out there - I'm very reserved - but when I'm like this??? I must be frigid.

Sandwich always says, "Veronica thinks she's better than us," if I'm quiet (he says it to other people) and basically, that's the vibe I give off when I just want to sink into the ground.

It's funny because I actually feel the exact opposite way. I feel inferior to everyone around me, like a worthless piece of shit and in order to save both myself and them from a bad experience, I try to cut myself off from everyone else.

I know it's irrational. I want to say I can't help it, but I probably just haven't figured out how yet.

Maybe I'm just a coward (I'm definitely just a coward). I can never work up the nerve to act as if I'm not worried/self-conscious in those moods.

Like, I'm still myself when I'm in a good mood. I'm still relatively quiet and shy, but I don't have a problem talking to new people. I have a hard time opening up to them, but I can fucking make small talk. Can't even do THAT in this mood.

I'm fine with people I already know, though. Mostly. I'm a bit dull. Don't have anything interesting to say, really. When I'm in a good mood, like a couple weeks ago, I'm frickin' always having thoughts to release. I'm always excited for life, too. Can't wait to get that back, yay.

(unenthusiastic yay bc I cannot bring myself to care)

Oh yeah, I'm really numb. I swear, I can't love anything. Can't love anything, can't want to do anything, can't want to talk to anyone, can't even miss anyone!

I say things to myself, like, "I miss my doggy," But the pang is so dull right now. I can't even feel sad. I can feel shitty and worthless, but I can't feel that slightly-less-selfish grief.

I want to feel it. It's a reminder that I can't stand the thought of losing.

"Can't stand the thought"

Exaggeration. If I were OK, that sentence would be true, but the words sound pretty empty to me right now because like I said... nothing. Nothing there.

I don't like not caring. It makes me uncomfortable. I don't like it when even the sky doesn't make me feel happy. I feel a little bit when I look at it, but it's so so so mild.

Ugh. This is annoying.

Liv came over this weekend. On Friday, I was at Lily's and I saw the new puppy (felt nothing, but I think it's because the puppy isn't mine. April was mine. April was mine). We also ate some Italian food from a restaurant Mr. Sandwich suggested. Laney and Lily's boyfriend were there. He didn't talk very much, until we left. I told Laney it was probably because of our stupid sense of humor, haha. She said it's because we never stop talking. Both are probably true, honestly.

I told them I was a tumbleweed! That makes me feel a little bit better. I'm sure things will go back to normal soon.

Being with Liv was nice. We ate a bunch of food and watched Chocolat (some movie with Johnny Depp and pretty colors and at SOME POINT THEY PLAYED ERIK SATIE - I think it was one of his Gnossiene's - AND THAT IS THE MOST EXCITED I'VE BEEN ALL WEEKEND).

So maybe I can feel things?? Haha. Oh, I don't know. I'm not dead. I just feel less.

Ouch. Thoughts hurt.

Me and Liv snuggled when we slept and that was nice. I made us a big breakfast in the morning, consisting of three pieces of homemade French Toast and two eggs scrambled with, like, Spinach and beans and garlic and things.

Breakfast is my favorite meal.

So, yeah, I spent like an hour cooking, but it was fine. Liv liked my food!

I also made coffee and let her make mine. Usually, I drink it with just a little sugar and cream, but she adds a shitload the two. I wanted that, though, because I tried hers and it tasted like Cafe De Leche.

Dunno if they have this other places but where my mom's from, they drink milk with coffee and not the other way around.

When I was little, my mom would sometimes make me Cafe De Leche in a saucepan. The coffee grounds would still be floating in the milk and I liked it that way.

Today, we went exploring in the woods. It was fun. The sun started setting and it turned everything gold. There were also a shitload of deer.

We saw like, over ten. I felt bad because we kept scaring them, but I was also kinda afraid they were gonna murder us haha.

It was lovely. I enjoyed it. I was really annoyed with Liv by the time she left, but not because of her, really only because I'm in a terrible mood and when I hate myself, I hate everyone else, too.

Which is why I try to avoid saying I hate people.

Because if I hate people, I hate me. If I judge them, I judge me. I mostly only feel such awful things towards other people when I feel them towards myself, is the point.

Hating my own friends makes me hate myself even more, too. I've been doing a lot of Deep Breathing and Mindfulness and all that fucking therapy bullshit (not complete bullshit, I'm just annoyed) because I can't control my own brain.

Okay. Bitterness rant over. The day was actually very good and when it first started, I was in a content mood. Not exactly excited to be alive, but definitely not hateful and I can at least be thankful for that.

Goodnight. I shall love you again sometime soon. Just gotta wait until I like me again.


I'VE NOTICED that my parent's relationship has been good lately. I guess I didn't realize it wasn't all that good, like, a month and a half ago??? Probably because my dad was all stressed about his family visiting us and was being what is commonly known as an "asshole".

He's his perfectly unflappable self once again. Calm, almost to a fault. Well, I think it's a fault. Mostly because when his demeanor never changes, it's kind of hard to tell when he's actually feeling remorseful.

He's been better about it, though, and I've been better about not taking out my bitterness/anger-towards-the-world-and-mostly-myself on him.

So yeah.

Things, externally, are good.

Internally, some work needs to be done. Actually, I could probably just sit around and it would correct itself. But then it'll come back. That part is probably inevitable...

Oh, fuck it, I'll think about this some other time. Maybe I'll talk to Pat. I haven't seen her in a month. I think I've only seen her 5 times this year. When my doctor found out I was no longer seeing Pat regularly, he was like

"....Why....." and he gave me this look.

oh shit this is a PS and I've gone full entry mode. Oops.

Anyway, I forgot that he hasn't seen me in approximately two years. I dunno how I managed to not go to my doctor since the beginning of freshman year, but yeah.

So when he last saw me, I had only just gotten out of the hospital and was still pretty... I dunno. Not Good. And now I'm fine, I have a tight grip on reality and I'm okay when I don't see Pat. He doesn't seem convinced.