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Today is a Rough Day
some days are good and some days are bad. unfortunately today is one of the bad ones. i can't quite put my finger on what is making this day "bad" per se.
i just feel down. not about anything in particular but about everything in general. a lot of negativity in my mind. i feel the weight of everything on me, if i just have one drink, if i just fuck up a little bit, i am totally fucked. that's some weight.
i really started the day out with the best intentions. i got up at 5:30 so that i could make it to a 6:30 meeting that my counselor recommended. morning aa meetings are primarily dominated by the "regular folks" you know, those functioning enough to hold down a job that also have the wherewithal to get up early and be productive.
it was an alright meeting, one elderly lady was kind of weird and cracked out, but the remainder were just men and women in their mid-40s and up reciting the same mundane cliches i hear all the time in aa. (you see that negativity creeping up here, shit i'm just going to leave it there).
so anyways, i got back home around 8 and had some breakfast. by 9:30 i was feeling really tired. the trouble is that i can't tell when the tiredness is due to the fact that i got less than 6 hours of sleep last night or just another symptom of my recovery. one very frustrating symptom i am prone to is to get this unbelievable lethargy. i literally can't keep my eyes open when it hits. it is really debilitating.
so as if that wasn't enough, by around 10:30 i started to realize that i was feeling pretty down and dejected. just in that perfect self-pity - "woe is me" state that we recovering alcoholics just LOVE to wallow in.
thankfully i wasn't feeling a very strong urge to drink (thanks to, i believe, the naltrexone that i am taking, about which i will write a separate journal entry on), but what i was feeling was dejected, tried and bored. so i did what any good productive member of society would do. i went and got my oil changed. that took all of maybe 30 minutes (funny how these menial tasks fly by when you actually wouldn't mind them taking longer).
so then i bummed around in the car, driving around thinking of what to do until i finally decided to go back home. i then had some lunch and sat around until about 2 when i decided to throw the laundry in the wash and walk the dog.
it was a good hour long walk and now i need to shower. and of course move the laundry. my buddy from rehab is going to drop by (hopefully in the next hour or so) and we are going to go to a meeting.
this is a really boring journal entry. i guess it's just for me to type and occupy myself with. nothing more.
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