A Really Long, Stupid Entry
"Desdemona" by The Alternate Routes [Dressed in hesitation is such a beautiful line..]
Desdemona, help yourself
I hear you mourning at the dawn
Desdemona, ask which side
Of all this lying are you on
Did you build yourself a runway?
Did you tell yourself tomorrow?
Did you cry?
And are you dressed in hesitation
when you tell yourself that everything's alright?
Cause I see a distance in your smile
And what your Mondays have become
could be the rest of your life
September 23, 2015 Wednesday 9:46 PM
And suddenly, I'm excited to be alive again and sometimes that hurts, really really hurts. I should stop talking about that, though. Doesn't make it go away, honestly, and we're in a blackholes, there's no way out, no point in looking back if it's just as attainable as the so-called future, no point because every second looks the same as the last, even when you feel like it's not.
I really feel like it's not. But it is. It's just the same and nothing cares and apathy existed before anything else, it makes up the nothing or the something that came before everything that is now here. Even the damn stars, sigh.
This makes me sound like a crazy person and maybe I am haha. But I'm not sad. I am concerned, which seems to be a perpetual emotional undercurrent of mine, but that in itself is not too... concerning? Haha.
I am just thinking. Some concerns are about myself.
1) Is who I am right now really me? Or is it the pills? I prefer to believe that this has always been who I am and it was trapped underneath all my emotional instability. I've been smothered for years, maybe. In freshman year, I managed to maintain some depression, though, and I think I really didn't want to be happy. I wanted to want to be happy, but that's not really enough.
Even now, as horrible as this sounds, sometimes I feel this tugging in my stomach, and it's begging me to go back to the way I was. But not quite. It wants me to be that way with someone else, to show them or something, and I don't understand that urge.
That doesn't mean that, when I experience my sad moods, it's because I willed it to happen. I think eventually, it just beats me down and I have to stay there before I can get up again but like... whatever.
2) What am I going to do? I can't be medicated my whole life. I just can't. Medications have long term effects and besides, if I were to ever get pregnant, I'd have to stop taking my meds. So, what, would I gain weight and return to my head-just-above-the-water self???
I don't want to do that! I don't want to be struggling and tired and lacking life all the time! Because even though I didn't want to die, I felt like I was already dead. My thoughts were so slow, except for the ones I hated, and I was always sad when I got home and I never enjoyed waking up.
Now, I'm tired in the morning but I'm still excited to go to school. Maybe it's just my class arrangement. Seems unlikely. I'm so different now, I feel like everything bad is buried in the back of a closet and it's so old now. It hurts so much less and never for long. In a way, I feel a loss. The nice thing about being able to feel that much was that I never lost you.
I think I'd have to take this - this current self - over that, though. You would've liked this version of me and that is frustrating as fucking fuck.
I'm all good, haha. If I break soon, though, just let me be broken for awhile because like I said, I need to do that sometimes in order to keep going, as backwards as that sounds. If I were to never fall apart, I think I'd be dead right now haha, I would've suffocated in the most peculiar way.
OKAY DONE WITH THE RANT.
Other concerns have to do with other people. I worry about my friends a lot. I also worry about the world. I have an odd mixture of contempt and love for it????
My future is a constant "What the actual fuck" but I'm figuring it out. I'll be re-taking the PSATs in a couple weeks. I took them last year as a sophomore, but I want to do them again. This time, I'll actually study, haha.
I'm so tired, it's bedtime.
Hmm. Oh, today was really nice. I went outside briefly and the air was really cold and sharp and clean and that means it's officially autumn. I didn't realize until now that this is my favorite season.
It just reminds me of childhood! And middle school, but not the bad parts! It reminds me of hay mazes and running around in the dark with my friends. Y'know, trick-or-treating until your feet hurt and your extremities were numb from the cold. Carving pumpkins and watching the first snowfall!!!
My favorite memory so far is from last Thanksgiving. Caroline and Ethan were in my mom's country so I didn't get to see them.
My dad was in California at the time, but he would be returning later that day (You know the Modest Mouse lyric "speak about the future in the past tense"....? This is like speaking about the past in future tense and I wish you could time travel that way, sigh).
So basically it was just me and my momma. It was snowing out and everything was really bright white and I remember wanting to cry from happiness!!! We were cooking the whole day but when I had time, I would play and replay "Little Motel" by Modest Mouse and I watched the snow and it was like I was looking out the car window again. It was that feeling. I still had my doggy and my friends and nothing was destroyed yet and I miss it, but things are different now. Different. I can't say better, because it's not that simple.
I can say that the way I feel about myself is better. But the situation, my life itself, is not better. It is just as amazing and wonderful as it always was, only I'm not dead anymore. Unfortunately, just because I'm not dead doesn't mean others aren't and that's why it's not simple, because if I could, I'd go back.
I'd give up all of this. I really would. All that is here is my happiness and if I could take it back with me...
But I'm not dying to do that. I'm just saying, haha. Goddamnit, why am I so sentimental all the time??? It's sickening, wow.
Anyway... Today was good... I FaceTimed Laney and Lily for a couple hours, which was a lot of fun because I was able to do my homework AND look like crap AND not leave my house while spending time with them.
They were baking, probably for money. I think someone hired them to make homecoming cookies. The dance is on Saturday. I've been considering going, but I probably won't. Dances are not my thing.
I love Laney and Lily so much. Ugh. They're my best friends in the way that I know I am secure with them. I know I won't lose them for a long time. They're mine for a short forever, y'know?
Liv is also my best friend, but in a different way. In the way that I always want her around, even when I don't want anyone else around, because I know she'd be content to sit reading or talk to my parents while I do nothing.
People's relationships with my family are very important and Liv has by far the best relationship with them. But more than that, I love her as a human being!!!
Liv is my best friend in the special way. My mom once told me that she used to have a best friend and they were very close, but she (my mom) lost her when she got depressed (still my mom) and regrets it.
I may be a little hasty in saying this, but I think I'm friends with Liv in that kind of way. I actually trust her more than most people and would talk to her about anything and I'll let her snuggle me if she wants, even though touching makes me nervous. Liv is very, very good. I like her. Appreciate her!!!
Ahem. I have to go to bed, but in conclusion, Mr. Sandwich's son is really FUCKING attractive and it makes me angry.
For a stupid reason, haha, but a reason nonetheless.
See, I met him the day my dog died, which was in June. That means I looked like shit. I was wearing an oversized t-shirt and sweatpants. My hair was all ratty and I wasn't wearing any make-up and my eyes were still swollen from crying, my nose still a little red.
I was with Ethan and Caroline so I couldn't go home until they did. After April died, we went to a cafe for some coffee (Ethan's hot friend made it and I remember that the design he made in the coffee looked like an old man's penis and we made fun of him for it haha. It was nice to laugh)
Then, we went to a restaurant to eat with Mr. Sandwich. I didn't talk to him much, though, because I really just wanted to go home because my dog just fucking died and it was raining!!! It was raining!! What the hell!!!! That's good weather, so why why why couldn't it have been... unbearably hot. That would've fit the terrible mood more than nice, refreshing rain.
His son and girlfriend were with him and so yeah, I saw him. I thought he was in college but I remember thinking he was hot then, which just made me aware of how shitty the entire day was. Um I'm saying all this because I "saw" him again on Tuesday. Sandwich was FaceTiming him and I said hello after Sandwich re-introduced me (I think I was probably forgettable way back in June. I wanted to be invisible that day anyway, gimme a break) and he said, "Veronica, look how white my school is!" And I said, "What, you mean the walls?"
He meant the people, haha. I saw about three people. All white, but like. ?? Such a Sandwich thing to say. I JUST REALIZED HIS LAST NAME MIGHT BE SANDWICH (well, not sandwich, but something along those lines), depending on whether or not he goes by his mom or dad's name.
Laney told me that he's a junior in high school. Nice. But also not nice because it means nothing at all.
Oh, yeah. Last Monday, Sandwich asked me if I'd been running and I said, "Like once, but no not really, why?" And he said that it looked as if I'd lost a lot of weight. (I feel like I wrote about this before, but I might have just thought about writing it in my head without ever getting around to it) I didn't lose that much, maybe ten pounds, but I guess it's noticeable and sometimes I can see it. Like when I wear my jeans and my legs don't look like they used to. They look thinner and it's weird. Nice, but weird.
The pills, man.
He said I lost my baby fat. Haha, no.
Anyway, that was nice of him. It's weird how I can never tell when I look different. In my mind, I look almost the same as I did in eighth grade but I saw a picture of myself in 2012 (7th grade) the other day and I looked so ridiculously young. That's so crazy, it was only three years ago.. I can't believe I looked that small. I can't see myself for how I really am, what the fuck????
K, goodnight, I hope your day was as wonderful as mine. Sleep is in my lungs again.
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