LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2015-09-22 21:11:45 (UTC)

I Spend This Entire Entry Being Creepy


"Oregon Girl" by Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin [I almost said something really cheesy in these brackets, but I stopped myself. Go me. Hurts to listen to this song sometimes, though, mostly because of memories. The majority of the time, it's a nice song, though.]

"Desdemona" by The Alternate Routes [hell yeah, getting into my autumn music, which consists of sad, indie folk. Basically anything that sounds like rotting leaves and perpetual sunsets]


September 22, 2015 Tuesday 9:15 PM


Please, doggy in the distance, stop barking. You're rubbing April's lack of existence in my face. Or my ears, I guess, haha. That was a sad laugh. I'm okay. Sometimes I question myself when I say things like that, though, because when I think it about it - will I ever be okay? Will I ever be able to scream as much as I want to, or cry so much my eyeballs pop the fuck out (I'm seriously imagining very lubricated, imperfect spheres just slipping out of their sockets and hangin' there on a bloody flesh rope haha)?

I think about the things that I've lost (and not just me. I mean I haven't been the only one to lose them. I feel the need to say that because saying 'I lost you' just sounds so selfish to me. I know I'm not the only one) - Oh shit, where was this sentence?

I think about the things I lost this year and I want to talk about it or erase all the memories or do SOMETHING instead of the terrible nothing that I am doing. The issue is, I know no one wants to listen anymore and they never know what to say anyway, which usually leaves me feeling worse than I felt before.

...I am no one but myself and I think sometimes that scares me???

But anyway. This is not what I wanted to discuss, haha. Lord knows I talk about myself enough.

I'd like to talk about hot boys. Yes. Let us begin, eh?


Ahem. Okay. First comes this boy in Spanish class. He's a sophomore and probably a Class A jerk, but he's hot. Well, I think so. His face is so unique - it's kind of wide and pale, which sounds unattractive, but it really isn't. Especially because his bones make such clean lines, even hidden under skin. Mostly, though, it's the way he moves and his voice.

The only way I can describe the way he walks, the way he sits, even the way he talks is languid. I wonder how he got that way. Intriguing. His voice is very low which means it always sounds husky and it's just nice. I've learned to tune it out, though, because otherwise I'd just be creepily listening to...

OKAY THIS IS OFF TOPIC BUT HAS ANYONE NOTICED THAT LATELY I CAN'T STOP USING RIDICULOUSLY FANCY WORDS??

I ALMOST JUST SAID 'CADENCE' TO DESCRIBE HIS DAMN VOICE. ??

The reason I say he might be an asshole is just because he's popular. Which sounds horrible and presumptuous (dO YOU SEE???) of me, but

1) The sophomore's are really old. Like, I know they're younger than me, but they're so... mature. Not mature as in wise or anything, but just... They don't sound young. They don't sound like they know anything, but they sound like older teens and talk about doing things that people my age would do and it's just normal.

Of course, it could've been that way last year. I'm sure people my age talked about smoking weed and whatnot last year. Even I did. And plus, I'm not THAT much older than them.

2) He sits behind me and I hear him talking. He's kind of mean. I should have started with that. This was a waste of time haha.


There's another guy I find attractive and he looks like a teddy bear. Not much else to say there except for you can just tell by looking at him that he'll do something with his life. It's not like he's super well put together - usually just a t-shirt and pants or something. It's more about how relaxed he is and how he's almost smiling and how his jokes - even when they're actually dumb - never sound stupid. It's because he can make fun of himself and he does fine in school and has a social life and all that stuff. He's another one of the 'popular' kids (we don't have strict social classes in my school??? But you can kind of just tell) so it makes sense.

His friend is mildly attractive. Mostly his hands. He sits next to me in Precalc and I swear, he's always trying so hard to fit his notes onto one page. Saving space, I guess?? I see his hands moving and hear his laugh and smell him (good smell) more than I actually see him, ahha. So in that way he's attractive. But like, you don't understand. I wish I could study his hands without being creepy??? It wouldn't take long, maybe a few minutes. They just move in strange ways. And the ends of his fingers are flat like a guitar player's. And yesterday, he spent so much time ripping the edge of his paper off as neatly as possible. Maybe just to pass the time, because he doesn't seem like the extremely neat type.


The last one, I find hotter than the others. Or maybe hot isn't the right word.

He is LITERALLY one of the finest human beings I have seen.

(I'm saying all of this in a rather detached way, okay? Most of this is more observation than anything else haha. Any emotion I feel towards them is really mild because it's based off physical appearance so... how could it not be???)

He's just... so pretty. He's only existed in this city for a year, I think. That was a weird way to phrase that, haha. What I meant is, he moved here from... wherever, haha. I don't know him. I think I thought he was gay. I'm still not sure.

He is the guy Liv used to have a crush on. I never bothered mentioning him because... why would I? but I feel now that I must acknowledge the unfair amount of beauty contained in his body.

He's so clean. He's all lines. Even in the way he dresses. Everything matches and I noticed he wears shoes that look like Mr. Sandwich's Doc Martins (they're brown and leathery and nice). And then his hair is always combed perfectly.

Oh, yeah. He's a blonde with a strange haircut. It looks good, don't get me wrong, I just don't know how to describe it??? Oh, okay. It's like the sides are shaved but the top is long (well, like ear length) so it's not really obvious. He's kind of tall and slender, with muscles somewhere under there (you can tell they're there, I've just gotten lazy with my descriptions haha).

A runner's body. I've seen him run. He genuinely enjoys it? It's kind of scary? Wow, what? Why the hell?? I only enjoy running sometimes. Although I am going to do track again this year. I figure it'll be nice to have something to do and most days, practice ends at five anyway.

Also, he's an overachiever, which kind of makes me jealous. He's in fucking Calculus (or maybe he took calc last year?? I know this because of Liv, okay!!! Anything about his life that I should not otherwise know is from him because she was in a club with him haha) and takes all upper level classes and just ugh.

IT'S NOT FAIR. HOW THE HELL IS THAT FAIR?

NOT ONLY IS HE VERY HOT, BUT HE'S ALSO VERY SMART AND VERY ACTIVE AND FUCK EVERYTHING!!! FUCK IT ALL!!

Okay, no. I'm jealous of... His academic skills??? I can't tell if he's either just a really passionate, hard worker or he doesn't need to try at all.

His face is strange. It's very pretty. He looks like kind of... I dunno, like an imagined nature spirit. I told you, he's all lines and light colors. Blue eyes, pale skin, blonde hair. His name sounds all nature spirit-y, too.

I was thinking that his name, which sounds very tasteful and fancy to me (must have Superhero parents or some shit), should either belong to a pissed off prince who secretly has a soft side or a robin hood type guy; poor vigilante who wears a lot of browns, whites, and forest greens. What's funny is that I don't imagine him being either of these descriptions, haha. I'd imagine someone with his name to have dark hair, but hey. Reality likes to fuck things up.

I don't understand him. That is to be expected. I don't know him and, even though he seems to be in that popular group, I don't actually hear him speak very much. He seems quiet.

And when he walks, he walks quickly and with his books hugged to his chest. He doesn't seem as relaxed as the others, he seems hurried and flighty. Maybe shy??? But I mean, that would be me making another assumption.

OH MY GOSH. OH MY GOSH. HE'S A BIRD. But anyway...

I know I said flighty before, but I don't mean it in the irresponsible way??? Does that mean I'm making up a new definition for the word or???

What I mean is, he seems... I don't know... I want to say guarded but that just reminds me of myself and then I get the urge to roll my eyes because "oh boo hoo poor you with your frickin lack of social skills and trust" (talking to myself here, haha)

He's got nice cheekbones.

Well, that's all for that. I've been thinking about these people for a few days now. I think i find the last one most intriguing, but figuring them out will not and cannot be a quest of mine because

A) they're people and getting to know them for the sole purpose of satisfying my inner curiosity is kind of selfish... Wait... That's why people get to know others in the first place, isn't it? Damn logic.

B) I do NOT have the social skills or the bravery required to be friends with these people. I don't have the personality, either. I'm too weird and antisocial. I like people, I like watching them and learning about them, but not... being around them haha. In short, I'm not Kewl enough.
(Translation for noobs: Kewl = cool. Which is what you are NOT. Because you didn't understand my kool spelling of the word. There it is again, in a different form. Keeps ya on ur toes. Loser.)


The last guy is the only one I have a mild crush on. Physical attributes are a powerful thing, people. Oh. But don't let that make you feel bad. Just because I find someone hot doesn't mean you would. It doesn't even mean they're conventionally beautiful. But whatever. Whaaaaatever.

Yay, I'm done being creepy! I've got no school tomorrow, hell yeah. Happy Yom Kippur for those who celebrate it??? I will not be doing so. I'll be cleaning and doing homework. Sigh.



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