Story of a Girl
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2015-09-19 22:17:53 (UTC)

Little details

I usually hate taking naps during the day (especially on school days) because I have so much difficulty falling asleep at night. I avoid taking naps whenever possible so that I can tire myself out until it's time for me to sleep, usually around 10:30 at night. If I take naps on Fridays, though, I'm okay with it since I can just sleep in the next day. So, I fell asleep while watching the documentary with Stephen yesterday and yeah, that happened. I was already lacking hours of sleep so my nap just kinda happened. BUT, since it was Friday, I didn't get upset about the nap or anything. I don't know when I fell asleep again, but I'm just going to say that it was sometime around 11PM. I woke up today at around 7AM... actually, I woke up at 5:44AM, I went back to sleep, then woke up again at 7. I guess that's what happens when I take naps, huh? I guess school is to blame too, since I wake up at 5:30 in the morning to get ready.

My dad was working from 9 to 5 today, but before he left, he gave me a small list of chores. "If you get bored, think about cleaning out your drawers." That was basically him saying, "Your drawers better be clean by the time I get back or you'll be hearing from me all day." He also asked that I broom around the house, wash dishes, and take a shower. Easy stuff. Not that I needed to be told to shower; I take care of my hygienic needs without needing to be told. I spent most of my morning in bed scrolling through facebook and instagram while occasionally playing apps on the iPad. Around 1PM, I was like, "oh shit I need to clean." but I was already wanting to start a new game on LiS, so I tried to "multitask." I started by washing dishes while I downloaded a system update on my PS3. I broomed the kitchen, living room, and bathrooms while the update installed. By the time I actually began "playing" the game, I was trying on clothes to see if they still fit... it was weird.

I think I might have lost weight because some of my clothes fit SO much better. Like, the clothes hugged my body nicely. They weren't tight on me but they weren't super loose, it fit just fine. But, I think I also gained weight? Some of the shirts that used to fit me nicely were a little difficult to take off and the majority of the jeans I had here at my dad's didn't go past my thighs. I'm not super fat, (I've been told I'm not fat at all) but my thighs are like BAM, HELLO, WE'RE HERE. They're my biggest insecurity right now and seeing that my pants didn't fit as well was kind of disappointing. Although, it wasn't all bad. While trying on some clothes, I found a shirt that one of my aunts in Mexico sent me. When I first got the shirt, it was too big on me. There was also this little opening for cleavage and my mom didn't like it. "She's too young to be showing off like that. She looks like the sluts you pick off of the streets. And, have you SEEN what the girls at her school wear? She's going to become like one of them." Thanks, mom. But yeah, I wasn't too fond of the cleavage opening, either. The shirt had this little string that you could adjust so that you controlled how much cleavage could be seen but as much as I adjusted it, I was putting on a show for everyone. I never bothered wearing the shirt & my dad scolded me for not wearing it. "Do you know how much your aunts care for you and you don't even bother wearing it?" So, I tried the shirt on today for the first time in forever... It was still a little big, but it fit A LOT better than it did a couple of years ago. My boobs have also grown since then so now I'm not putting much of a show. I actually have SOMETHING to show but it's not like my boobs are popping the shirt open, y'know? It's not the type of shirt I should take to school, BUT, it would look great if I ever went to a party! I could make it work, I'd just need a pair of long, brown boots and some skinnies. Ooooh, and I'd look better if I straightened my hair, too.

I was looking at myself in the mirror when I started thinking about my aunts in Mexico and then I started getting a little upset. My mom tells me that my dad and his family have never loved us (me especially, being the first female born into the family), yet, here they are, sending us gifts whenever someone from our family comes to visit. They write us handwritten letters attached to our gift bags. I get these about once or twice a year, depending on how things go for our family down south. When has my MOM'S side of the family ever sent us anything? I asked her that myself in June when the whole bullying situation happened and she said, "there was the time your tia meche brought you lollipops." Yeah... ONCE. My tia meche arrived without any gifts. On her way back to Sonora, she asked if I wanted anything and I asked if she could bring me a bag of candy. On her second visit here, she brought me my candy. And she never bothered to call or visit. That was ONE time. If I had kept my mouth shut, would she have bothered to send anything? Would she have thought, "Oh, I wonder how they're doing. Maybe I should send them something by surprise without them asking for anything?" How about my mom's TWELVE other siblings? When have they ever bothered to reach out to me and my sisters? When have they ever bothered to send us small gifts? They don't even need to send us anything physical, we just want them to REACH OUT TO US. GET TO KNOW US. They've never done that. My dad's side of the family--several of my aunts, including his sister, have added me on Facebook and they send me messages every once in a while to check up on me & keep in touch. "Hi darling, how are you?" "My goodness, I remember when you were just a little baby learning to crawl!" "Do you remember me? I used to drive you around the neighborhood!" "How are you doing in school?" My mom's family has never bothered to contact me or my sisters. And even with the help of social media, I've yet to hear from them. Not even my mom's FATHER has reached out to me. I talked to him once, when /I/ asked to talk to him--even then, he sounded like he didn't want to speak with me. If I hadn't asked, would he have wanted to talk to me? My dad still talks to his mom, and whenever they're on the phone, she ALWAYS requests to chat with me, even if it's just for a minute or two. The first thing she asks about it school and how she misses us and wants to take us out. "When are you coming back to Mexico?" "We all miss you dearly." "When you come back, we're all going to take you girls shopping. Oh, it'll be such a good girl-bonding experience!"

My dad is constantly telling me stories of when I was living in Mexico. My aunt Chuy would take me to the store in my stroller and on the way home, she'd give me a bag of cheese to munch on. By the time we'd get home, the bag of cheese would be completely empty & we'd have to run back to the store to get more! The same went for candy, carrots, and cherries. I think this might have been on my third or fourth birthday, but my aunts took me to a huge church and I was wearing a white dress. I don't remember much about this day, but I remember running out of the church with my tia's hand in my grasp. Right by the church entrance, there was a stand with several, colorful eggs. The lady at the stand grabbed an egg and cracked it on my head--confetti came out.

I remember in my house, I lived next door to one of my aunts, and at the time, my dad was already here in the US but he sent money to Mexico to buy me a Barbie truck that I'd drive around on the sidewalk. I had it "parked" right next to my mom's car, and I'd hop in and drive next door to visit my aunt. I also remember that at her house, my tia Julia was making sopa de estrellitas and she had this little shelf in the corner of the dining room. On that shelf, she had these spiked balls & she told me not to touch them but I'd touch them anyway and my palms started bleeding. My tia would come running in to give me a bandaid and say, "Sana sana colita de rana."

On our way to the US, my mom stopped to visit her family in Guaymas. The time we spent there was nothing compared to being with my dad's side of the family in the state of Mexico. And even after moving here, they've still kept contact with us but my mom's side of the family has never bothered to reach out to us, even now that we're older.

I decided that I was going to buy myself a pair of boots so that I could wear the shirt in public at least once. It was the least I could do for my aunts. So, after organizing all of my clothes, I went on to put away some of the jewelry I had found in my drawers. I pulled out an old makeup box that I stores my jewelry in when I noticed I had a watch in there. It was in this gold-ish lace bag and there was a paper inside with "for bianca" in spanish. The watch was a transparent kind of pink and it needed batteries, but I put it away in my drawer to wear it later on in the week. While organizing the box, I found another small bag of full of necklaces with a note:

"Sep 2013
Para Bianca

de su abuelita
Felix un pequeño detalle te quiero mucho mi amor cuidense y cuiden mucho a su papá y quiero que la virgencita de La Guadalupe melos quide"

Wow. Has it really been 2 years? Woooow... I've never been a huge fan of the jewelry my family sends me. They send the type of "girly" jewelry that a 7 year old would wear. Rainbow star clipone earrings kind of stuff. But lately, I HAVE been wearing more jewelry. This was less than a month ago, but my dad gave all my sisters a small make-up bag (or a REALLY small hand bag, it could be either) with little details inside. There were four different colored bags to choose from: gold, silver, pink, and leopard print. I chose the gold bag, Briana got the silver bag, Liz got the pink one, and Ale got the leopard print. My bag had small details like a silver chain, a silver bracelet with (obviously) fake diamonds, they were the bracelets you could easily slip on, and a rainbow-rock bracelet. These bags were all gifts from our aunts in Mexico. Briana was being a little brat that day, so my dad gave me her bag. Her bag basically consisted of the same items in different colors, the except hers had 8 rings inside and mine had none. My dad was super pissed at Briana for not wanting her things. She said, "Okay but I don't like what they send me." and my dad was like, "Your mom's family never sends you anything. Your aunts send you these things to show that they care about you. Don't go throwing their things away." And Briana is like, "So what? I don't ask them to send me these things. They should spend their money on better things because I don't like these gifts."

After the whole shirt thing, I've learned to appreciate their small gifts more. For the past few years, I've been wanting to send my aunts something in return, to thank them for all their gifts... but, I don't have any money. I want to get them something NICE. Like, Forever 21 clothing, good jewelry, things like that. Maybe one day, but for now, all I can do is send them a message on Facebook. I really appreciate them spending their money on small gifts, even if I don't always wear their things. I WILL start wearing their gifts, though. That's a promise.

My dad arrived a little later after I had finished doing all my chores. We were going out to wash the clothes (he hasn't gotten the washer and dryer fixed yet, so to the laundromat we gooooo) and then pick up a few things and stop by an office. On our way out of the house, I saw Zachary sitting outside on his lawn. He's actually still technically grounded again--he can't step out to the driveway, or use his computer, and he can only visit certain friends. Me, being one of them, because his mom likes me. "Ok you go visit little short girl ok." His mom is like a good five inches shorter than me, what's she talking 'bout? ANYWAY, he called out to me to ask if I wanted to play foosball but I told him I couldn't. We arrived at the laundromat a while later and I couldn't help but notice that the game was on. León vs Tijuana. Of course, I was rooting for my birth place while my dad was rooting for Tijuana. The game ended with León 2-1 (SUCK IT, DAD). We stopped at an office nearby to send money and then we bought a few groceries. My dad's working all day tomorrow so he wanted to leave food prepared so I wouldn't starve to death.

When we got home, I saw Zachary playing foosball with three other guys... Jayson? It was more like I heard one of them yell, "WHO SAID ASIANS DON'T GOT GAME?" While my dad cooked, I went over to my bedroom and changed the bedsheets. I was originally using a red soft blanket but I switched to my hello kitty bedsheets instead and now I feel like a brand new person.

It's a running gag that I have a huge obsession with hello kitty. I'm 16 now. I'm tooootally over my hello kitty phase. That's a partial lie, though. LIKE, you walk into my bed and you see a "professional," mature looking blanket and then you pull off the blanket and BAM, hello kitty bedsheets, hello. Look up at my alarm clock, BAM, hello kitty tea cup alarm clock. Look up at my bookshelf, BAM, hello kitty backpack and a balloon. Look at my drawer, BAM, hello kitty coin bank.

If everyone would stop buying me hello kitty based items, I'd be happy. I'm not a little girl anymore, even if I act like it.

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I know I'm probably going to spend the entire day in bed, procrastinating.

Fuck my LIFE.