nin137

Nick's Journal
2015-09-19 23:53:59 (UTC)

Day 32

i thought for way too long about just what to title this entry. see that's me over-thinking things.

right now i am writing this from an RV park in Anchorage. how did i get to an RV park in Anchorage? well, let's see if i can do a quick synopsis.

i am alcoholic. it didn't take me too terribly long to realize this about myself, but it took me an incredibly long time to truly accept this label and the predicament associated therewith.

you see just a little under two weeks ago i got out of rehab. i put myself in rehab. i had gotten to a point where i really had no other choice if i wanted to stay alive.

for the longest time i found excuses to not go into rehab. the primary one of course was that "things weren't really that bad" and that i could "stop if i just tried hard enough". that and of course my ego. i loved my job. i worked hard to get to where i was in my job and i sure as shit didn't want to throw it all out the fucking window to fully admit and accept that i had a problem so big that such surrender was my only option.

but i finally did. i went into rehab and it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. i am now 32 days sober (i, of course, drank before my wife drove me to the rehab center).

while in rehab you are faced with a multitude of rules; one of which is that you are to keep a journal for each day that you are there. you don't have to write much, but just a little bit. i did it for the 21 days that i was there. and of course i told myself i would continue to do so when i got out, but then i got lazy.

so now here i am. in alaska. with my dad on a bonding trip. we've been out here for a week now. four days after i got out of rehab we left. i was going to write in this journal earlier, but again, one of my greatest weaknesses is laziness and procrastination.

i hope to write in this journal every day. however, it is likely that i may not have internet access everyday (an excuse i readily used to not write in it until today). but what i want this to be is a chronicle of my long term recovery.

i hope that this helps not only my recovery but maybe someone who happens upon it who is either going through recovery or still stuck in their addiction.

one last thing i will say before i end this entry is this: you will probably read a lot of cliches in here, you will probably read some stuff that makes you roll your eyes and say, "man this dude is a sap." well let me tell you about who i was (and for a large part still am, but am trying to change):

1) i am quite cynical and judgmental
2) i am an attorney and an atheist
3) i am more introverted than extroverted (although this has changed dramatically over the past month as i accepted that "connecting" with people (see i just got a bit weirdly sappy with that word) is the only way to really heal yourself (okay actually this entire parenthetical is kind of sappy)).

so here we go. i can't promise that i will write every day. i will probably bounce around topics. trying to explain how i understand certain aspects of addiction and recovery.

all in all this is a journey. a frightening one honestly. but hopefully this will help me keep sane and give me strength.