2015-09-14 17:20:27 (UTC)

Liv Is Blunt

"How carelessly
God hummed us
With such pronounced
Holes for lungs.
How hollow we are."
-Eugenia Leigh

September 14, 2015 Monday 5:23 PM

I think today is one of my bad days. I was happy this morning and yesterday and the day before and so on... But today just wasn't so good. In my head, I mean. I could just feel it, something wasn't right and I hope it'll go away by tomorrow because... Things just get so hard when I'm like this.

And now I'm just super confused because I'm having this conversation with Liv, she's saying I'm different and I just?? I know this might be hard to understand but I don't like it when someone finds my vulnerability. I'd rather give it to them of my own volition or something (jesus, why do I use these words? Why can't I just say "by choice" or some shit?)

Ugh, I'm cold. It's freezing today. I also have a headache.

I'm afraid of something, I think. I don't know what it is and maybe it's just winter creeping in early, but I feel it.

I love honesty. And bluntness. I respect it and appreciate it, but I just can't see the world that way. I can't. I can't see so much of it's ugliness and beauty unfiltered, it just creates something hard in the pit of my stomach.

Maybe that's just today.

It's funny because I always thought when I was like this, I could see the world for the way it really was but I'm starting to think I'm actually seeing things through a veil and it's not as twisted and ugly as I think it is.

Because, like, there have been times in which I've done or seen things that were not pretty, not easily looked at. But I looked at the moment and then released it and things were fine. I knew things weren't all good. I knew there were horrible parts and embarrassing parts along with everything else. Normal people usually know this, too, and so they release it.

I'm starting to think the darkness that I can't shake from my vision is just... me. It's in me. It's not the world, - that hasn't changed - it's just fucking me.

Okay. I feel like this was really cryptic, ahha.

I just haven't been feeling good all day and I don't want to think about anything anymore. It's in my chest.

Sometimes I forget how weak I am in some places.

Maybe it has nothing to do with me! Maybe it's just the cold sun. It's golden glow is fading. It's becoming white again, blinding. I can't wait till sunset, when the light gets warm again.

Anyway, Liv told me I was different.

She's said this before but I didn't ask how because I didn't want to know. I had the heavy feeling in my stomach and I didn't want to pursue it.

Anyway, today I decided I want to know.

There was a time in which I really hated how blunt she is. But now, I love it so much. It's one of my favorite things about her. The change in my feelings towards that particular trait isn't completely mysterious to me. It's a quality that reminds me of someone else, only magnified somewhat in Liv because she was right by me a lot of the time.

Anyway, Liv is still beside me and so I like that I have a reminder in her.

(I just had to stop to change into a sweater because it's fucking cold as fucking fuck. I COULD SEE MY FRICKIN NIPPLES THROUGH THICK SPORTS BRA MATERIAL)

So she said I was different and I asked how.

She said a lot of confusing things and what I got from it was, "You seem different with other people or with me sometimes like you're anxious and I can see that."

I might not have accurately translated her words, though, because when I said it made it sound like something was wrong, she was like, "No no no!!"

Oh, man, I dunno. But it makes me paranoid and kind of self-conscious of the way I act, now. Maybe it would've been better if she hadn't said anything.

I am different with her. I'm comfortable with Liv. Well, mostly. I don't see her very often and so I get a little nervous because I'm quieter in real life than I am in text.

I don't know why, I just am.

My fingers look longer when they're cold.

I just want to stop thinking forever.

I still like her bluntness and so when she was apologizing profusely for the whole You're-Different conversation (I wasn't mad or anything, just confused) I told her about my adoration. For the trait.

I dunno if she realizes that I didn't actually want to tell her that I liked that about her. THIS IS WHY I AVOID DEEP CONVERSATIONS. I AM SOMETIMES UNCOMFORTABLE TELLING PEOPLE WHAT I LOVE SO MUCH ABOUT THEM. I'll tell them eventually, I'm just slow and cautious. Very cautious.

What can I say? I'm like a premature baby.

God, does that make sense?

Well, I feel better now. My head still hurts but I am now wearing a sweater to chase away the freezing air (HAH! Take THAT!) and

I'm really, really trying not to be haunted.