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"One Great City!" by The Weakerthans [someone said this song is about every town and I understand]
Late afternoon, another day is nearly done. A darker gray is breaking through a lighter one. A thousand sharpened elbows in the underground. That hollow hurried sound of feet on polished floor, and in the Dollar Store the clerk is closing up, and counting Loonies, trying not to say, "I hate Winnipeg." The driver checks the mirror, seven minutes late. The crowded riders' restlessness enunciates that the Guess Who suck, the Jets were lousy anyway. The same route every day. And in the turning lane, someone's stalled again. He's talking to himself, and hears the price of gas repeat his phrase: "I hate Winnipeg." And up above us all, leaning into sky, our Golden Business Boy will watch the North End die, and sing "I love this town," then let his arcing wrecking ball proclaim, "I hate Winnipeg."
September 10, 2015 Thursday 3:44 PM
I'm happy and everything but I had this odd realization just a few minutes ago and now it's settled on my chest and I'm not really sure what it means at all.
Do you ever just blink and find everything completely different?
Like you wake up one day and even though it's been happening for months (for years, for decades, for evers), you only just then realize the past is gone?
I dunno, Lily offered to drive me home since it's raining and I don't know which bus is mine (Meekah will show me tomorrow. I'm so glad she's back in my life! We've been out of touch all summer).
So I was in her truck when J was walking by. We offered to give him a ride home (he literally lives a block away from school) and he got in, which is kinda when it hit.
Lily is driving. Lily will be seventeen in two months. I now know the school like the back of my hand (ugh my ribcage hurts. I'm fine but it's annoying). I now know people in the hallways and I say hello to them. They call out my name. We make small talk. We have real conversations. I slip into class late without having a panic attack. I make eye contact and I smile at strangers. It's not even just me, though. There's Laney and Lily who are the same in the way it matters, and different everywhere else. There's the classrooms, with the old TV sets gone and replaced with some fancy ass monitor, mounted on the wall of every room (like a smart board but better. Our school got upgraded over the summer). The tree on the corner of a big hill near my house is gone, now, and has been since May.
Not everything has changed, which is what really makes the differences stand out (I was gonna say juxtaposes but like, it was way too high quality for my homely thought process).
I mean, the school looks exactly the same, other than the screens and re-painted things. The trees in front still look as flimsy as they did when I was a freshman. No, everything looks to be exactly the way it should be...
So where is that feeling coming from? Lily being seventeen? Me, sitting in the passenger seat of her car and feeling odd? Is it from the personality that has made itself comfortable in my body? I dunno if I've always been this way. Maybe it's the pills. I'm not complaining. It can't be JUST that, though, because I was on Wellbutrin when I was a freshman as well. Seroquel, too.
And still, I was racked with anxiety and dread and worry. I wasn't unhappy, I don't think. Maybe sometimes. But mostly, things were better and I didn't want to die all the time anymore. I was still a wreck in school, is the point, and maybe I'm just comfortable now. Comfortable with being uncomfortable. Well, not quite, hahah. Discomfort is different in every place.
Shit, am I making sense? Do I need to explain that last sentence?
I hadn't meant to say this much. I guess the whole growing-up thing isn't something I signed up for? I mean, who did? But everyone else seems to be power walking into the coming years like they can see straight through the glaring brightness that is their fucking future.
I don't want to be halfway through my sixteenth year - I mean, I do, but not without...
I can feel the loss. It's easy to see, really, when you're aware of how things are just speeding by and one day I'm going to die, maybe when I'm old, that's okay. By then, I'll want to go.
Or maybe I'll die of cancer.
Maybe I'll die in a freak accident.
It would be nice if it didn't happen soon, but if it does, this writing will be left and that comforts me. It means I can hold on a little longer - part of me can, at least.
(Like a horcrux. Yet another reference, oh christ)
I can feel what's missing, though, and I just want to reach backwards and pull them to me, or pull myself to them, keep it all here so they can notice these wonderful, terrible things with me. So I can say sorry and do all the things I should've done. So everything is different all over again, oh, I don't know!
Reminds me of black holes. I heard a description, once, of what it would be like to fly into a black hole. You can never get out. There is no 'backwards' because you're traveling in time (apparently, my knowledge is limited), not in space.
Every fucking direction you go leads you closer and closer to the center
And you know, it kind of sounds like we live in a black hole.
Or maybe I only say that because of the common factor, time.
I seem to have a real problem with time, y'know. It's not that I don't want to be older, - I want to get better, I want to be independent, I want to see everything - I just don't want to get... old.
I feel so scattered and I have a headache. I might be dehydrated. Alright, bye. Maybe this didn't make sense and the feeling passed (I don't miss them so much anymore. I might just be ignoring it. Or dealing with it healthily. You never know with me, haha).
Oh. And in case you were wondering - sorry for ruining the mystery - "they"... "They" refers to many things and.. Oh, fuck it. Figure out the rest yourself.
I'm tired and I have socialized enough for one day.
Hmmm. Side note. I like this song. It reminds me of my town (which is currently soggy. Not unusual haha).
Oh! Yesterday, there was a dandelion sky. I tried taking pictures of the beautiful yellow-ness (looked so sickly, so pretty) but my camera washed away all the color.