MissFlowr_MTL

NewLifeinMTL
2015-09-09 21:11:39 (UTC)

been really lonely and bored, makes me nostalgic.

In order to work through stress and depression i have always been taught to not focus on it and to do something that makes me happy to help me get through it. but lately, i have had no way to really do that. As i've mentioned before i dont have any friends left to speak of it is really difficult for me to have a social life with limited transportation through area public transit. so i have mostly been reaching out online. But as i've known for a long time the only people that are really online are horny men looking trolling for ass or at least pictures of ass and anything else they can get. i know i'm in a monogamous, long distance relationship with my boyfriend but it is so hard to actually find compnay online without flirting on some level or even sending a few pictures. i've slipped up and in order to quell my loneliness i have turned to the Chatous mobile app on my phone. but i know i get alone better with men so i always end up chatting with them and it almost always turns dirty. i've taken and sent so many dirty pictures. i know i shouldnt be doing this but it makes my life less lonely becuase the guys i really click with we end up chatting about more than simply naughty stuff. but all this naughty stuff with all these guys makes me nostalgic, thinking back on the two serious relatonships in my life that had the biggest impact on me. First is basically my high school sweetheart, he was with me from the spring of my sophomore year until the late winter of my senior year. i had a crush on him for quite a while before me and him got involved. i was smitten purely by his looks. i noticed him when he first moved into school in junior high sometime during my 8th grade year. he automatically got involved with a girl i knew her name is Kailen and i was extremely jealous of her and knew she didnt deserve him. and they seemed to be together for at least a few months. during these times in junior high me and himnever really talked just exchanged glances and polite "hellos" in the hallway and the occasional poing/tickling war in the crowded hallways at school. so, during this time we didnt really know each other but i think i kept a closer eye on him than he did on me. i watched him go through what seemed like a really immature and unhealthy relationship with kailen and then after that i saw him go through a thankfully very quick realtionship with a girl named tawni. she was labelled as a huge whore. in 9th grade she made it very obvious she was very sexually active basically willing to give it to any guy who so much as looked at her. had one of those loud annoying voices only trailer trash and cheap pornstars have that sounded like it had a little bit of a smoker's rasp to it. during most of my school years i didnt have a lot of friends so i spent y time people watching. learning about my classmates by watching and decoding their behavior. for most of my school years i was just a silent bystander who watched everything almost never participated in anything. but so back to this ex. throughout this time we kinds atalked a little bit but by the end of 9th grade we had pretty much stopped talking but still noticed each other in school and would smile and wave. he was from my perspective , tall, lean, had a cute face big juicy lips and some of the most beautiful eyes i had ever seen. had a light orange/yellow band around the outer part of his iris which turned green the closer to his pupils. just beautiful eyes. one of my favorite of his features. and once we got to sophomore year we didnt talk much but eventually started following me around occasionally trying to talk to me but mostly just watching at a distance occasionally more obviously following. in december, on my birthday of my sophomore year he finally made a real approach and we actually spent some time talking. the early spring of my sophomore year is pretty fuzzy cuz a lot of stuff happened then. i tried to be in a relatonship with my male best friend at the time. we were together for a couple months or at least spent a couple months experimenting sexually things moved very fast and we decided to break it off and spend some time apart because the tension between us was undeniable and unbearable. and after that happened i got involved with a guy one grade above me. he turned out to be an asshole. we hung out at his place when no one was home and ended up spending the whole afternoon in his room with varioud movies on the tv not paying attention to any of them.he started kissing me and i went along with it had a little fun and we were rolling around doing some petting and what not at some point i rememeber being terrified cuz he wanted to take my pants off me. i ended up letting him pull them down to my knees but no further. and he fingered me, loved how tight i was and begged me to let him fuck me becuase he had a condom and loved how tight and wet i felt i told him i didnt want too so we just continued to play for a while longer and then i went home. and soon after thatthigns ended badly with him and that same week my grandma passed away and so over the next month i clung to my high school sweetheart as a friend letting the connection grow. until the end of march and he asked me if i would be his secret girlfriend. his parents kept him on a tight leash because during his younger school years it had come to light that he showed signs of being bipolar so for a while before i got to know him his parents were trying to medicate him but none of the meds worked so his parents basically gave up. and decided to just keep him on a really short leash. so i was his secret girlfriend for a while and then i dont know how long it was but me and him were already pretty established in our relationship only seeing each other at school and at school functions where his parents werent he decided to ask his parents if he could go on a date and i ended up meeting them and we had to pretend to be a lot less familiar with each other than we actually were. and eventually his parents figure it out that we were in an actual relationship and were furious that we had lied and wanted to be more involved in the relationship but they already knew a bit about me and knew i was not mormon like they were so they already disapproved of the relationship but were at least civil. and after a while the urge came over him to push things further and for me and him to be more physical and sexual than just kissing and me batting his hands away everytime he tried to grope me in any way other than touching my butt. after a few months of that he got tired of it cuz there was no satisfaction for either of us but knowing my past he knew i had good reason to be scared of intimacy. so in his sly little mind he came up with a way that allowed us to do stuff that got him off and pushed my boundaries. started with us doing some gentle caressing of each others bodies but eventually became us sticking our hands into each others clothing to feel stuff we ahd no where safe we could do these things so ended up finding secluded places in public there was a bathroom structure at a park down the street from school that he liked to frequent for that and then once his parents started to be more ok with us and gave him more leash as he got older we were allowed to walk together i would walk to my oldest brothers house where my mom was tending kids and his mom lived less than a mile away so he would walk with me and we would go to a different park where there less kids walking by. i remember just about everytime feeling sad when we would go to do these things because he got off but i never did. i remember my body responding to his touch like getting wet and such but i never got any sort of satisfaction. i remember a few times in particular. one of the first times in the park by my brothers place he tried to take my pants off and i told him no begged him, another time in which he wanted things to go farther than i was comfortable with i cant remember what it was he was trying to do, but it pushed me way past my limits and i started to get really scared and told him no and started to fight resist him and fight him and he was so close to his orgasm he just pushed and pushed and was all "no baby, i know you can do it. i know you can do this" i had to basically push him off of me and i was so close to crying and he realized what he had done and he felt so bad. and another time i had started to get used to it it was no longer such a scary experience but more of a duty i knew i had to undertake to keep him happy but so we were at our favorite spot in a park. in this secluded woody area at the edge of this dried up creek bed and there was this old stump that was at perfect height for me to sit on and lean against a tree behind it and him be able to pet against me. and on this particular day i was actually kind of enjoying it and this was the only time he had given me an orgasm. it was a tiny one and i remember it overcoming me and i closed my eyes i think after that he started to push more and more for different things cuz that was the first time he had seen me orgasm and he liked it. BUt i was still so afraid. he kept wanting to do more and more. but he was pushing so much and his parents were expecting so much of him and he was so busy that our intimate stuff happened less and less. until the last 6 months of our relationship they only happened like 3 or 4 times. on halloween night and knowing he was getting really tired of this same old stuff i ended up with a stomach ulcer that was undiagnosed for 2 months. i started to feel symptoms in the first few days of november and the symptoms came and went with my stress level i dropped something like 15 pounds in 3 weeks cuz i just had no desire to eat feeling at least some level of nausea at all times. i felt good enough on my birthday though and his parents trusted us enough that they let him drive the car to school and and drive from school to my house he had put together this present. it was a custom wrapped package of chocolate and sparkling cider and we ended up playing put i was still too scared to do anything more than petting. there was one time in his parents car that same winter that we had gone out to a movie or something and he drove me home it was dark late at night and he reclined both the seats and came over to my seat bewteen my legs and undid his pants and rubbed against me but he ended up getting a call and having to leave before he could finish. and during that winter i knew something was different cuz right after thanksgiving break we started a new trimester had all new classes and he ended up having a classs with this girl that had moved into our school recently and started to hang out with our group and i knew she was rouble eyeing him from the get. over the next 6 weeks he slowly drew closer to her while slowly drawing away from me but pretending not to. the last time we saw each other outside of school before we broke up was a mere like 3 days before the break pu he came over i'm guessing cuz he felt bad about waht he was doing behind my back with that other girl and came to tel me how much he loved me and to test me to see if i loved him enough to try new things and we ended up inthe dusty old garage on the floor him undoing his pants and rubbing aginst me until he came all over the hoodie i was wearing and as quick as he had shown up he was gone. and next time i saw him was back at school and i knew something was up. i kept having dreams of him cheating on me with her. and i started to see obvious signs of it at school and when i was sure i confronted him about it and he told me that he loved me but that he had got to know her very well and started to have a crush on her also and i handled it the way any high school gorl handles it. i broke down into tears telling him that i loved him but that i couldnt trust even him to take my virginity yet and that he had to choose between the the two of us that i was not going to sit by and lwt him use both of us however he pleased and it took the the rest of the afternoon. he of course was texting her the whole time and then they had that class at the end of the day and she told him waht had to be done and so at the end of the day he broke up with me. and i got no sleep for a few days and basically cried for two days straight. the girl he left me for tried to talk to me at one point basically told me she didnt know what he was gonna do and that if she had known she would have talked him out of it but she seemed happier to have him to her herself at least with how they sucked face as often as they could. and now looking back on the relationship and the guy he has become since high school i wonder what i ever saw in him. the second guy i met when i was with my high school sweetheart and felt very strongly for from the very beginning. he was handsome, and i got to know him right as he fell for another girl and they got together. so i watched him fall for her and see what a great guy he was and i was getting to know him very well. i told him about myself and showed him that i could be trusted and that i understood his pain. and he started to open up to me and tell me all sorts of things and it was almost like i was a third wheel onto his relationship. got to see and a know a side of it no one else did. and it want long before i knew him well enough to let it slip how i really felt for him. that i was madly in love with him and he told me he loved me too but that he loved her too and was committed to her. so we had an even stronger friendship knowing how we felt for each other. did all we could to be as close as possible without actually crossing any lines that we shouldnt cross. he was with that girl for years they even were long distance for a while because he had to move about 2 hours away to live with his dad cuz he had gone off on his mom for being such an unfit mother. but his dad was also abusive and being with him was worse cuz his dad would emotionally abuse him eveyday and physically abuse him every chance he got. neglected him and let him go untreated by doctors when he was injured and what not. after being together for waht seemed like a long time and being on e of those disgustingly happy and cute couples he decided he was going to come up to go to her high school graduation and propose to her because she was his whole world well it turned out she had been seeing another guy behind his back for a few weeks and broke it off the week before the proposal. he was absolutely crushed he later admitted to me that he tried to take his own life a couple times in the week following the break up. when i heard about the break up i did all i could to make time in my busy schedule to come spend time with him and see if he was ok but he was so broken up and misunderstood by his family he wasnt very open with me while i was there. but there was this momen when we were alone that i had this urge to kiss him. we made eye contact and look deep into each others eyes and there was just this suffocating moment of silence where i wanted to kiss him and knew he wanted to kiss me too. but after a short second it soon turned to a few seconds of awkwardness. and then faded away. but over the rest of the summer even though i was in another relationship not a very important one i let my feeling for him grow over the summer and he asked me if i wanted to join him and his nana to go to moab to help with a big project to empty out an old family property so they could sell the property. and i agreed to join him. and we agreed that no matter what our relationship statuses at the time of the trip we were going to just do wahtever felt natural and sure enough that first night togeter sleeping in a trailer all on our own. he brought his laptop and we set it up to watch a movie and started to cuddle and then i turned to face him and the moment was just right. we started to kiss and kiss and kiss and caress each other's bodies and eventually clothes started coming off and we felt skin on skin and it was just electric and soon all of our clothes had come off and we were very close and i told himto go grab a condom and he put it on right away and we did ta little more foreplay stuff but then i remember the exact moment it felt right to start the actual penetrative sex i went from being on top to laying on my back and he adjusted positions too in order to properly line up with me and insert it. i was not prepared for his BIG cockhead, i had a moment of clarity right before hand as i saw his cock approaching my slit where i almost backed out but didnt cuz i knew he felt the same feeling at the exact same moment. we both thought at the exact same moment "oh my god i cant believe i'm about to have sex with ---" we ended up having sex 3 times over those 48 hours. and we knew we were in trouble we couldnt just go back to being friends after that. so we took a couple weeks to decide. of course we had sex once more during that time and made our relationship official in a september that autumn was magical, amazing, eveything i wanted sure he was trying to get over his ex but he was mine now and he loved having sex with me. lots of movie marathons, cuddles, sleeping next to each other, and love. and then i hit my head in december and got a concussion and our relationship started to go down hill from there. it took me until march to recover from primary symptoms. and right around that same time his whole demeanor flipped right as i started into an identity crisis that was related to the head trauma. he started to get meaner and meaner. less and less understanding. started to try and sway me to his way of thinking which is so different than mine. he started to view his ex as this perfect goddess and started to be extremely angry at me for not being her. and things quickly went from having butterflies when he would text me to feeling an anxious twinge of nausea and pain wondering what i did wrong this time to upset him. and it was about this time that we started fighting. it all started because "someone" had told him i was not worth the stress my recovery was causing him and so he told me he thinkgs we needed to take a break. and i fought it every step of the way. we officially were broken up but still talked just like we were a couple except the fighting went from minor to extreme and i even went to his place a couple times and fucked him while his dad was away. then after a month the fighting got so bad we decided to get back together and mend things up but by then things had been said and trsut had been violated and what not we still fought just as much except know he got angrier and more dominant and always thought he had to be in control and we stopped having sex and everything became me against him and who was right about what and even the petty little shit stuff that doesnt matter. and finally after having him call me extremely upset becuase i was not going to just fold under his pressure and become like him because i knew that wasnt me. he would get mad at me for every little thing i was always wrong and naive and never knew anything about waht i was talking about. and he was always right and a saint and scholar and great man and if i ever tried to tell him how i felt that all this bullshit made me feel very angry and sad he twisted it around making it sound like me expalining my feelings was me attacking him and his character. i tried so hard to get him help. looked into so many options but he took none of them claiming that he knoew he would fail and just be in a worse place. thus backing up his victim complex everything is always down to him he is never at fault for anything and he is just charming enough to get his way. untili finally i brok eit off and he got violent screaming into the phone threatening me and what not and then i saw him 4 months after the break up and we talked, we both agreed the break up could have gone better. but then i started to explain how i felt and he tried to explain it away in such a way that made it sound like i was at fault for feeling the way i felt at the time and i walked away. havent seen him since. he tried to talk to me on his birthday last year, i belw him off. abusive asshole doesnt get another minute of my time. the first relationship was a very important lesson becuase he left me dur to my inability to get past my abusive past and so the end of that relationship pushed me to get help in therapy with a wonderful therapist. and then my second relatoinship was an important lesson because it taught me to never take any crap from romantic partners. to leavethe second they become abusive. but anyway bedtime. goodnight.




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