"Millstone" by Brand New
So take me out tonight.
The ship of fools I'm on will sink.
A millstone around my neck.
Be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.
September 8, 2015 Tuesday 6:01 PM
I'm kinda paranoid.
And when I say kinda, I mean I'm very fucking paranoid. I know I'm not dying, but my body is being weird and I don't have a doctor's appointment until tomorrow (I get sick a day before school starts, hurrah).
I probably mentioned a couple weeks ago that I've been having chest pains?? Well, I'm still having them. It freaks me the fuck out! But that's irrelevant. I was more worried because under my ribcage, something was hurting, off to the side. It's not super painful or anything, just a dull ache, and it comes and goes.
I couldn't sleep last night, though. Not until like six in the morning, when I fell asleep on the couch with my kitty having seated herself on my torso.
(It's hot as hell. Last week, it was like the lower 70s, and now we're in the 90s?? I hate being hot)
I'm sure I'm fine but I feel really sick right now. I'm shaking and sometimes, there's this ringing in my ears and I keep having those damn chest pains. I'm also really nauseas. Why do my bones feel so brittle?
I should really eat something. I've been telling myself this for hours, but I'm not hungry at all. I feel like I just ate, but at the same time, there's this hollowness in my tummy and ugh. What?
Jeez, I wrote all this in six minutes. Is that normal?? Do I always write that quickly? Awesome.
UGHHH MY CHEST. Oh, yeah, I've also been having lower back pain. Who knows what's wrong, that's why we have doctors.
I don't think I'll sleep very well tonight which is frustrating because I have school in the morning. I can't miss the first day??? I can't miss any days, for that matter.
A THING ABOUT ME:
I'm messy when it comes to physical things. I leave 'em lying all over the place, step on them, crinkle the pages of books and stain them with whatever I'm drinking whilst reading them. It's just... Me. I try to be neat and things, but I can never keep it up. Besides, when it comes to my books, I like them worn and torn. They look like they've been read that way.
Okay. I said all that because I'm very, very neat when it comes to directions. I'm pretty sure my mom hates cooking with me because when it says 1/4 cup of milk and we only have a 1/3 cup left, I'll sit down on the floor and give up because I do not trust myseLF TO COOK SOMETHIGN RIGHT WHEN I DO NOT FOLLOW DIRECTIONS WORD FOR WORD.
This applies to school, too. So when that slip of paper for AP US history said "don't miss any school days" I'm listening. Realistically, I know he'll probably let it slide if I'm actually sick some day or if my parents are dragging me on vacation, but my mind is weirdly afraid and does not want to disappoint my teacher.
I hate that eager-to-please part of myself. It really messes shit up for me.
Okay, well, I'm happy. Just scared for no reason. Hey, at least I really don't want to die!
I made some new friends, by the way. They contacted me through that PenPal site I signed up for way back in June. After April died and I took that week-long art course, I kinda gave up on socializing. I had a lot to do for AP US history (I call it APUSH, but I figure you all would be confused).
I think my ribs are popping out, Jesus Christ.
I should take a shower. School tomorrow, school tomorrow. I should also eat. Still not hungry.
I had a big cup of coffee, so that might actually account for the body shakes. I didn't eat anything and I've only drunk a little water, so it'd make sense. Okay. I'm not dying.
Oh! I drew my foot yesterday:
I did it in maybe fifteen minutes, and I'm very happy with it. I've discovered that that art class - even though it was only five days long - did wonders for my drawing ability.
I mean, I would've been able to draw that foot before, but the issue is that I couldn't draw with that skill level reliably. I used a lot of the techniques I was taught by accident and they actually go a long way in helping me out.
(the techniques have to do mostly with measurements and proportions)
I'm currently drawing my momma (using a picture taken in the 90's, haha. My dad was so wiry, jeez. Mom, of course, was classic. She was wearing his high school t-shirt and high waisted jeans). I haven't picked up a pencil in a month. I forgot how fun it is to make art. Hmmm, I should take a painting class next summer.
I'm mildly excited for school. I SHOULD be excited for APUSH, but it's first period and I'm often late... Well, not often. But it happens more than it should, y'know?
Last year, I had Trig/Algebra 2 first period and my teacher never minded when we were a few minutes late to class. Unless they were like Adrian (he was chronically late, haha, but still, teachers pick on him too often??? On one hand, I understand; they don't have time for patience and it's not like they're taught to be sooper understanding in teacher-school, so I mean... Still, I wish. I wish they were).
I'm feeling a little better.
I hate first days, though. I know it shouldn't make me nervous, but such a violent change in one day always causes my anxiety to bubble up. And by that, I mean I get really light-headed and my whole body shakes.
I remember one time I was in class and we had to stand for most of it and I was afraid that I was going to fall over. I was swaying and my knees were jiggling.
OH I FORGOT. WHEN I COULDN'T SLEEP, I PICKED UP MY OPEN, FACE-DOWN COPY OF THE GOBLET OF FIRE AND I WAS READING THAT. IT WAS LOVELY. OHHHH, I MISSED HARRY POTTER BOOKS. THE BOOK WAS SO DUSTY AND I MUST'VE LEFT OFF ON THAT SAME PAGE A YEAR AGO.)
Okay, I'm a little disoriented so I'm going to go take a shower now. Lots to do.