Vanilla

Day 1

Day 1

Never thought about feelings on escorting and prostitution. Avoided it because it’s a grey area, now I’m forced to think about it which angers me..

Feel like I took the red pill from the matrix.

Too much corruption.
No preservation of life, of beauty of real love.
Utter disregard of human life, utter immorality from both parties something wrong with the fabrics of this society.
Where do we draw the line? Where do we stop? To say no this feels wrong therefore it must be wrong.
No change.
Sadness. Bigger picture- exploitation of young women and human trafficking.

Images of YOU doing this. Shakes reality…forces me to see what I don’t want to see. Forces me to think of you…like that. Painful. That you can be so different to me when I saw you as this better, more stable, more respectable person than I. I looked up to you, I admired you. I wanted to be like you. You let me down. You let yourself down.

Woman

Despite what she says, despite what she thinks. It doesn’t empower us as women to sell our body. It is a cold transaction. With gratification for money not the soul. At some point you crash and burn. I have considered it. And I couldn’t do it. I was so close. I couldn’t do it. Walked away before I got dragged in because I know what it takes. It takes selling yourself to accept it then completely numb out and not care.

Stomach twists at the thought. Of seeing someone I thought I loved doing that. 2 things. Maybe because I cannot imagine you doing that with anyone else but I had to see it and now it burns in my memory. Secondly to see you degrade yourself. Am I close minded.,.am I wrong for thinking this? Am I crazy or is everyone else?

Anger. Jealousy? Jealous that she can sell her body so easily and I cannot. Despite the benefits…despite being offered so much money for it for sex…cant do it. Even though that could have paid for so much. Cant do it. So what makes me different to that? Am I stupid or are they?

Anger. Because if loneliness drove you. What you had with me makes no sense. Your inability to break your lonliness. Your inability to fulfil me. Your inability to form bonds attachment, emotional connection. My anger at your anger to not let me touch you because you have issues. But your ablity to gratify and fulfil yourself…selfish sex. Selfish lover in bed. To satisfy her to some extent but not to be able to satisfy or cherish me, the person having to deal with the aftermath of your problems.

Pissed of that it is me who has to deal with all the hurt and pain. While you both enjoyed this act of shit. That there is no enjoyment for me. That quite frankly you find normal sex boring now because of the fantasy of fucking a whore. Because a whore fucks better, so maybe it isn’t emotional attachment or intimacy it is just boring to you. Fucks up normal relationships. Fucks up everything. Knowing that if your gf cant fuck you the way a whore does at some point that will drive you back. Once you opened that can of worms can you ever close the lid on it? Once you open something..an experience can you shut it down? I got dragged into this, im the one who paid greatly for it. Im the one who didn’t get the closeness. Im the one who got shut down. While you paid for her and I gave it up to you for free but no paid is better right. Because with me it was too easy so you didn’t want it. Makes me bitter, makes me angry that she gets to walk away with no repruccsions now I have to deal with the mess of a person that you are,. Granted you were already in a bad place, but this made it worse. This gave you inability to have satisfying, loving, making love, REAL SEX in the emotional way because you went to that dark place. Which is now a misrepresentation of the person that I first met and thought you could be. Because you will never satisfy me..or have the desire to satisfy me with love or sex.

Anger because if I marry you and if I forgive you..you are that statistic. You are the man that paid for sex. What if we have children? I cant look you in the eye. I don’t want my children near someone like you. Because I’ve painted an image of the type of men that go to whores for sex.

Want to slap you for what you’ve done. Expected better from you. Expected you not to act on this urge. Expected that you would deal with issues like the logical person that you are.

Anger because when I tell you about my experience…with assault there is no anger or emotion I see it in your eyes – you wish you were like them. Able to chat up woman. Able to force women to do things. Cant trust you because I cant trust your low self esteem. Do not trust you would be loyal now if someone threw themselves at you. You wouldn’t say no to sex. Irritates me that YOU ARE NOT STRONGER THAN THIS. YOU DO NOT STAND FOR YOUR MORALS. That you do not think of others before your own god damn desire.

Finally it is acceptance. That you have done this a lot more than once, twice. It is an addiction that you havnt admitted to me and I don’t want to even hear it from you. Makes my stomach churn. Makes me sick. That you cant change. That you cant see what you have in front of you and you cant love me. That is something that you probably wont give up and whichever woman marrys you..will at some point find out that during your marriage to them you paid for whores…unless unless you really see it for what it is. But you cant change people or their views. You don’t seem to feel real guilt just shame and guilt that you were caught.