The Real Me
Fucked up Dr M..advice needed please.Anyone
He is so fucked up that i cant even walk away.
All i see is this deep anguish of pain and hurt. And all i want to do is reach out and take his pain away. Except when i do he gets so angry...this boiling deep angry hurt and he pushes me away and i keep pulling him, holding him and he burst out crying for a few seconds then proceeded to push me away get angry and tell me to just leave. get out LEAVE. You dont have the consent to touch me. Like an absolute lunatic. He said he wanted to just be alone. Completely alone. I am so stuck in this torment between his brain and himself. Its not even my battle but he has hit the floor...he has sunk so deep into depression i feel like i cant even leave him yet i cant even be there for him. And in the process he is leaving collateral damage behind. He is fucking up everyone elses life around him..mainly me..i am getting the full hit of his depression.
At this point i need advice. What do i do? how do i reach to him?
Lets get this straight when we were casually dating he fucked a prostitiute (we were not committed) I found a fucking video yesterday morning after staying over at his. I snooped through his laptop because womanly instincts were screaming at me. It took him 2 months to let me stay over again at his. Because he wont let me touch him, show him affection, hold him, kiss him. none of that and of course no sex or physical contact which has driven me to the point of insanity. Yet i try to walk away and he stops me.
Now all i see is pain. Yes the prostitute thing has fucked up my brain...but more than anything it is how he is acting over it...almost scarily suicidal. The same god damn signs i saw in my father...in my mother and in me. So how..how do i leave?
Today i asked him how he felt. He said Numb. It is the first time he has expressed any kind of emotion. How do i leave him when he is screaming internally for me to stay. I see it in his eyes, in his anger in his fear. And its so fucked up. This "fairytale love" has become this. Demons everywhere. He isn't the person that I thought he was but he is a broken man crying..screaming for help but unable to let anyone hold him. And right now all i'm trying is to hold him while he continues to push me away because he needs it...because he needs to break this barrier of emotional pain. And me? Im stuck in his emotional hell. I cant move past him because he is suffering but i cant take this any longer. This...outburst, this accusation of me being aggressive. of his defensiveness. of everything.
It is shattering me..but he is shattered more.
What do i do?
WTF is going on???
Now im trying to get him to lay down with me. No words no talking, just start with letting me hug him. But i dont think that will happen because he hasnt replied to that. Hasnt said anything. Well he said yes ok that would be nice xxx and then never replied after that when he knows i finish work in 15 mins. He lives 10 mins away from me but i cant show up at his because that would freak him out completely and im still pissed off over the whole buying whores shit. Arghghghghgh i just dont know where my head is at. I dont know if i should be caring or not caring. All i know is that i feel pain for what he has dne to me but i cant see past his pain to acknowledge my own because his suffering seems far greater than anything i can feel in this moment.