LustingforNightmares

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2015-09-04 15:51:39 (UTC)

Faux Poet


"Babe, I'm Gonna Leave You" by Led Zeppelin

September 4, 2015 Friday 3:52 PM


Putting spaces
Where they don't belong and
Hitting the
Return button
Before a sentence's
End
Does not
Make it
Poetry.

--------

At the same time, what the hell do I know? I'm not a poet and I haven't read much poetry, either. When I was younger (I must've been nine, but memories of my life at that time are so frickin broken that I can't be sure) I read a couple books, "poetry style." And then later, in middle school, I read depressing books that I think were supposed to be poetry. The words were organized in strange shapes.

These days, I read even less of that kind of thing. Occasionally, I look through it and it's beautiful but... I'm far from an expert. Is there a word for "less than a novice" because the subject of poetry is not exactly something I'm going to prioritize. Meaning, I won't urge myself to learn about it. I hope to, eventually, but for now... Eh.

I'm saying all this because I just read a "poem" by this girl, somewhere on the internet. I don't think it was very good at all. I hate criticizing that kind of stuff, but I don't know what made it poetry at all. She's written lots of other stuff so maybe that's the real display of her talent. The two most recent things (the ones I read) weren't so good.

It might be that she's very angst-y and I don't love reading that. Hmm. No, it was still bad, but hey, doesn't mean it all sucks. God knows I've written utter bullshit before. That, or something only I can understand. I'm cryptic like that.

Anyway... It seemed like this girl was just writing. There was no fancy wording, no metaphors, no real beauty. It was a poem in which she was thanking people, or something.

Paraphrased version of her poem:

Thank you
For caring so much
About me
And my writing
I love you
And stuff
Til next time
My dear friends


It wasn't as bad as the above one. I'm just don't have the talent to make it better. Anyway, I don't think that's poetry. It's just words, stacked and stacked and stacked. I think I'm going to send her a message, asking her what she thinks poetry is. If I sound mean, I'm really sorry. I really am curious. I've asked two people so far (about what they think poetry is) and so far I've gotten:

1. Dammit. Caroline said something but I can't remember. She might've said it had more to do with the wording and syllables and then concluded with, "But I don't really know, I haven't read a lot of poetry." We're in the same boat.

2. Liv... Liv was also confused. She writes poetry but when I asked her, she couldn't define it clearly, really. Does anyone know what the hell poetry is?

What a mystery!!!!!

Alright, well, updates on this quest in the future.

(Maybe it's my fault I don't like her poetry. Whenever I read her stuff, I read it in kind of a breathless, pitiful voice and I just hate it)

Moving on.

I've been feeling weird as hell.

Haven't felt like writing or talking to anyone and I've already turned down two propositions to hang out, saying that I wanted to stay home until school starts. That's true.

The other day, after I wrote that last entry, I continued feeling that way (the one I wrote about. Which I suppose must've been confusing, as I remember feeling really jittery. It felt simultaneously peaceful and chaotic... bittersweet. I guess) for a couple more hours. And then, suddenly, it dropped off and I felt depressed.

See? Weird. As. Hell.

So I wasn't thinking horrible, i-want-to-maim-myself kind of thoughts. I was just thinking... a lot... against my will.

I dunno how to describe it. Have you ever had thoughts without thinking? There are the thoughts you have way up on the surface, the ones you mostly control. Branching off from those thoughts are paths, and YOU choose which way to go.

But below that, there are more thoughts. They're subconscious, though. Ah, there. That's the word.

Okay, well, that part of me (the one I'm not completely aware of) was in a frenzy. It kept throwing images at me, bad memories. Even good memories, only it tainted them. Meanie brain.

I asked Liv to distract me and she complied. It didn't help like I thought it would, but I felt okay-ish later. I had distracted myself by taking all my pictures down and re-arranging them. I haven't finished, still.

The next day, I still felt kind of shitty. I lashed out at my mom and of course, I got defensive when she tried suggesting that maybe, just maybe, I wasn't alright??

It's okay, though. I forgive myself because I apologized and told her I was... not okay. Yep. After that, my mood lifted somewhat and now I'm fine. Still having a few questionable thoughts here and there, but I'm trying to ignore it.

I didn't take my pill earlier this week, so maybe that's why my mood swung around like that.

It's so scary, how missing one day can affect me like that. I want to go into more detail, but I'm suddenly exhausted... I haven't eaten yet today. I should go do that. I don't really want food, though. Hmm.

I got in a mini-fight with my dad last night. I'll list things because... I'm so tired


-It wasn't supposed to turn into an argument, but it did

-It was about something stupid

-I kept calm, though

-He was weird

-It wasn't actually about said stupid thing. It was more about his reaction to it

-He didn't apologize

-It was a tiny thing but it still warranted apology. He lost a school paper of mine and it had information on it that I need

-I always get mad about those small things, never the big things. Who knows why.

-Anyway, like I said, I wasn't actually very upset, I was just trying to explain to him why some kind of remorse would be nice

-Which I shouldn't have done because it's my dad and he's smart, but he doesn't understand empathy very well. Old dogs can't learn new tricks

-Plus, I told him he had the emotional maturity of a twelve year old. Maybe that wasn't very mature of me, haha. It's true but hey

-He stormed out

-Yelled back that I didn't respect him

-And I said, "You don't respect any of us either???" It's true. He loves us and we love him, but he doesn't pay much mind to our values and mostly goes with what he wants to do. Again, the empathy. He lacks it.

Am I just being bratty, wanting respect? I'm 16 and all the adults say that kids don't deserve respect.

I disagree. I'm biased, though.

But like... You shouldn't separate children from adults that way. Yes, they need to be treated differently and yes, trust needs to be earned, but ugh

I've always liked when older humans treated me like an equal. That's why I'm particularly attached to my sister. She never patronized me. Ever. If she did, I promptly forgot.

When I have respect like that (and I assume this is how it works for most people), I feel like I owe whoever (whomever?) is giving it to me. So I try my hardest not to step on their toes or mistreat them. I sometimes do that anyway, but I'm not perfect and I'm very temperamental, okay???

-So in short; in many ways, my dad does treat me like an equal. Like when he's explaining things to me, he doesn't do it in a way that makes me feel stupid.

But when it comes to quarrels and wishes that go against his... Yeah. He doesn't even trust my mom with passwords, which I think is strange.

Hmm. So maybe I wasn't completely correct, saying he doesn't respect us. His supporting argument for me not respecting him was that I interrupted. Honestly, that is the weakest thing he could've come up with because he is CONSTANTLY interrupting my mom, me, Caroline. And when we point it out, it means nothing. But when one of us does it, he gets all pissy.

-I still love him!!! He's mostly awesome. These are his flaws.

-So yeah, that was the extent of it.

-Bye.

You might not be hearing from me for... an undetermined amount of time. Either that or I'll be back to my regular self by tomorrow.


PS:

There were a couple guys at the door, just a few minutes ago. I hid instead of answering the door. They waited for awhile. I'm pretty sure they knew the house wasn't empty. I'm gonna be a hermit, aren't I?


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