Ranmat

The Last Hours
2015-09-02 12:59:41 (UTC)

i fucked up and fucked.

I am so out of it.

I'm so lost.

How did this happen?

After staying celibate 3 years. I go and fuck that off with Reggie Triplett of ALL people? What did i save myself all this time for? Its no where close to what i want. How did this happen.

Its been brewing. For months.

Lonliness
Anxiety
Horniness

So I bought a vibrator because i couldnt think and i thought that would help me calm down.

Looking at pictures of the types of relationships i want to be in. Looking at pictures of what I aspire to be, sexually? visually..... my goals.

mixed with liquir and i long for weed.....at times.... not all the time.... but sometimes i feel like all i need is a joint. Just one.

and then when the damage is done, I feel i might as well go for broke and spiral downhill as fast as i can.

I guess i feel like if i'm at my bottom....the only way I can be forced to go is up (as i make myself sick by eating this bacon cheeseburger and curly fries... something I never order to fade away the sickness of too much tequila and weed).... but that is another story.

I have been lonely for a while. Its like one minute I was alone and not lonely and then the next minute I'm so alone.

It started with me going to the concert alone when darren was supposed to make it. That was a break down night.

Then with Manny ... cancelling and falling through... and i'm not even into Manny like that.

and last but not least.... Jamal. How I lust Jamal. Jamal was the last of the ones that i had a good relationship with in the past and had that stature and that drive. But I left it behind for reasons. All of these I have left behind for reasons but i keep going back to them because they are familiar. But at what costs to me? My relationship with Jehovah.

Being disappointed can put me in many moods but it makes me what to damage myself some way.

But how come I dont go to Jehovah. I do and then i dont... and then i dont.... and then I dont. im a horrible friend. I'm disloyal after I have made a commitment.

So, I had sex. I just walked into it. After some petting, smoking and drinking, i didnt even think about it and This is what scares me. It felt natural.

What didnt feel natural was the freaking pounding he was doing to try to impress me which is the exact thing I hate. Dont get me wrong..... i like the pounding but to lead up to it. He wanted for me to perform head. Not. He wanted to make this a regular thing. Not. It was one of the biggest mistakes I have made in a really long time. I'm almost too stunned to really feel how i am supposed to feel. embarrassed. and SORE.

and porn.... although still excites me sexually is disgusting to me. I am over alot of things. I have come a long way but still very behind what I should be... where I should be. Where I want to be.

so where do i start? How do I get back on track? How do i deal with lonliness, the anxiety or horniness? How do slow down enough to calm down. How do I remember how to get strength from its source? How do i work on being / getting a mate but keep it in perspective and not excite myself?

I need to reinvent my entire life and outlook on my life and people in my life.

I'm such a disappointment. is this a growing pain? How serious is this problem?

Research.




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