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2015-08-30 00:14:11 (UTC)

Why Do I Have So Much To Say?

"Cool Blue Reason" by CAKE

Cool blue reason empties on the page
Your colleagues are in prison and your enemies in reign
Cool blue reason comes into your world
There's two more dead in Texas and it's probably your girls
Cool blue reason wraps around your throat
The minutes change like seasons
Only eight more hours to go

August 30, 2015 Sunday 12:15 AM



I've been thinking about my brother.

I don't have a brother.

It's just, a couple days, Caroline told me about this dream she had. I've heard about it before because she had it years ago, but whatever we had been talking about (hurriedly, because we always talk to each other super fast and energetically whilst fidgeting/dancing in strange ways) brought it up.

Her dream took place in our old elementary school, which is a couple blocks from where I live. We used to walk there every day. Ah, the good times. On a quick side note, I re-entered the building a couple years ago and the hallways were so much smaller than I remember. Like, wow, I swear my thirteen year old head almost touched the ceiling.

Anyway... In the dream, there was some evil person training children to become cannibalistic soldiers?? Caroline was among them, but only pretended to be a cannibal. She apparently attempted to warn her other classmates at some point. The dream ended when Caroline called Mom and asked her to pick us up early from school. She said she felt guilty because she KNEW the cannibals were coming and the other people didn't?? Anyway, it was her, me, and a random little boy in the car.

And I was like, "Caroline.... It's our brother....!"

Both of us, for some years now, have been having dreams in which we have a brother. He's a different age but he's our frickin brother DREAM BROTHER.

I always wanted a brother, sigh. I thought I was going to see Daxton, my favorite cousin (he's my age so I mean that's probably why) but I didn't. Gosh. I'm upset about that.

Apparently, he lives with his dad again, not my other uncle. Why do I never know these things???

I miss him and I hate texting him because... It's just hard to keep the conversation going. In person, it's so much better. What's weird is we'd barely talk during the day time, and then at night, we'd both come to life. It was nice, okay?


I had a freaky dream last night.

I started taking lessons from my old piano teacher, Petunia, again and she was evil. Her house, which was super bright in real life, had black walls and barely any lighting. She kept making me practice?? It was weird?? I like playing piano. Unfortunately, I don't do it very often anymore. I want to do it now, but it's 1 AM and my parents would not appreciate that haha.

In reality, Petunia is like... the nicest lady I've ever met. She was always bubbly and personable and patient. Plus, her house was the coolest and she had a pet chipmunk. She let me borrow books from her personal library and even suggested Donnie Darko to me. I fucking LOVE that movie. Her taste in literature and stories was amazing.

Her son, who is (I believe) in his twenties, lived in the loft. I think he has severe autism or something of the likes. I know he had trouble communicating. I was always afraid and at the same time fascinated by him.

Sometimes, during lessons, he'd come downstairs and Petunia would say, "Oh, Jack! You're supposed to stay upstairs! Did your video finish?" And then she'd go usher him back up and put in a new movie for him to watch.

He couldn't speak too well and had a perpetually slackened expression on his face. Sometimes, he'd yell and you could hear him from downstairs.

I never thought he'd hurt anyone or anything, I just didn't understand and I still don't. I wonder how things like that can happen? I wonder what the inside of his head was like? I wish I knew.

I used to be best friends (I only had two friends back then haha) with an autistic boy, but it was a much milder case. He lives down the street from me.

These days, he's more than functioning. We stopped being friends ages ago, back in elementary school, because we went to different schools and never saw each other. (Part of the reason he's doing so well is because he went to a special school and his mother worked very, very hard ALL the time to help him. Also, she bakes the best cookies ever)

(That's not to say Petunia didn't help her son all the time. She definitely did. The neighbor boy had a milder case.)

One time, he saw my chest, in the very VERY beginning of the boob time. Curse that loose shirt! I should not have leaned forward. Hey, at least he was a gentleman.

I miss him!!! Well, I miss that time. I don't even know him anymore, haha.

I remember playing with toy cars in his house. He had a huge playroom and a collection of, like, 200 hotwheels. I barely had any hotwheels, though I loved them.

He also had:

-a shitload of legos
-a bunch of plastic animals
-a bunch of plastic people
-lego people
-army men
-stuffed animals
-kitchen set (which was lately given to me)
-little baby stroller
-dolls and stuffed animals and things
-literally boxes and boxes of toys. He had... so many... toys. So. Fucking. Many. Was this why he was my best friend? Probably.

He loved Star Wars and Harry Potter and other nerdy type things. It's okay, because I liked some of that stuff, too.

Oh my gosh, our play stories were the best... They'd usually end in gigantic wars and then, we'd end up arguing and crying because "I'm not dead, you didn't kill me, I dodged your super fire wave attack."

"You are too dead, my super fire wave attack is un-dodgeable!"

And so on.

His mom always scared me, even though she was so nice to me. I love childhood.

We used to have sleep overs!!! Those were my favorite. We'd sleep in the same bed and, since I was guest, I got the wall side. It was nice. I liked sleeping in his bed. It smelled good and I never heard any creaking noises, although we used to freak each other out sometimes by telling stories about what was hiding in the dark.

I think that would end in us hiding under the comforter together. We probably held hands, too. I wish I remembered.

He wasn't my sweetheart or anything, but we were close the way children were, you know? Took baths together and everything.

I'm pretty sure we took baths together.

I can clearly remember his mom bathing me alone one time, but I think that was later in our friendship (towards the time when I was becoming increasingly aware of being in a body. Also around the time we started seeing each other less and less. My sister was friends with his older sister so we'd hang out when they would hang out and I think they got busier).

Man, I miss that! I miss being a kid and sleeping in someone else's bed and feeling safe and not thinking about anything other than the fact that you were wedged comfortably between the wall and your friend's warm body under a heavy quilt.

Nostalgia. It's gonna be the death of me, I swear.

Um... But I digress???

What was I even talking about. Oh, right, dreams. Again. I think they're getting more vivid. Nice! I dunno if that's a good or bad sign. Maybe it's neither.

I saw April in my dream last night. It was weird. I saw her dead body lying there, exactly the way I saw it last, except for in a different place (not on the cold steel table of the veterinarian's office, I mean).

Then, she got up and we started running around the forest together and I hugged her warm body and she did not breathe.

It was nice to see her again, even if it wasn't real.

It sure felt real.

I wish I'd see Elise. And not in a nightmare form this time.

I feel like seeing Elise in my dreams is... not likely. Because I never saw the way she walks or how tall she is compared to me (even though I know we were around the same height). I only heard her voice a couple times, through the speakers of an electronic.

I never really knew the way she gestured or walked. I didn't know the phrases she'd use often and I almost forget that she had a slightly different style of speaking (because she lived in a different state).

The point is, I'm probably never going to see her alive in my dreams because I never saw her alive in real life. I've seen videos of her and she's said before that she was relatively reserved unless excited (I'd describe myself the same way, but I'll never know to what degree that extended in her case), but that's not enough.

I'm really saddened by that idea and I wish someone would tell me about it all. Even that wouldn't be enough but hey... it's a bit closer.

I'm not sad talking about this! Well, I am a little, and I keep glancing up at the pictures of her

(I always feel like that's creepy?? Like, I have a weird type of memorial that has accidentally formed over the months. It's not much. A pretty dead leaf, just like her - yes she's a dead leaf, a beautiful one - and a moon necklace, a celtic style bracelet, delicate tree earrings, and my crystal necklace. It's not a jewelry holder, I promise, haha, they just remind me.)

on my wall. But I still feel alright.

This is long.

Here's what I meant to write, before my thoughts threw themselves onto the keyboard (I'll give them a stern talkin' to later):

-Caroline went back to school today
-The day was beautiful and sunny and warm
-I felt so happy and it was only overwhelming sometimes, instead of most of the time
-I wanted to talk to you
-I found out there was such a thing as fried peaches

OKAY WAIT, I ACTUALLY WANT TO DESCRIBE THIS because I thought it was so nice.

We were driving back (away from my best friend, sigh... oh god, NO, I MISSS HER, FUCK) and I had a headache.

I figured it was because I hadn't eaten yet that day (it was like 4 PM. And also, it ended up being a migraine, so the food didn't help).

We decided to eat at this place we've stopped at before. It's in the countryside, surrounded by a lot of fields and big trees.

Also, mountains in the distance. Probably the Catskills. My sister's college is in a relatively secluded area.

Anyway, the place is lovely. It's a regular house, painted barn house red. There were a bunch of windows under the striped visor thingy, but that's not the pretty part.

The pretty part is the plants.

The sitting area is in a asphalt lot, but it has a green carpet (like the kind in mini golf whatchamacallits) which made it seem nicer. A bunch of regular, old, metal chairs and tables. Plus nice lawn furniture.

BUT THE BEST PART. There were tons of flowers. Everywhere. In pots on the tables, by the fence, surrounding the whole entire area, FLOWERS. All different kinds, too. Plus, there was an oak tree shading the area and a nice whirligig spinning.

I was more focused on the big willow tree in the distance.

To hell with ivy, moss, and tumbleweed. Willow trees win. They are my favorite possible plant (feels weird to call a tree a plant).

I love how droopy they are.

Okay, well. We ordered really good food. My dad had fried peaches with vanilla ice cream. I had some and it was honestly the most amazing thing I've ever eaten???? wow?

I want to bring people there.

Okay, well, night. I'm so sorry for all this?? I didn't accurately describe how beautiful the day was. I didn't describe the sky

(clear blue, and later, there was a cloud in front of the sun. But instead of making everything shady, light beams filtered through it and it looked like a Renaissance painting of heaven)

and I didn't tell you about my nap

(I took a nap in the car! I never take naps because I have a hard time falling asleep! I took an actual nap!)

or about my conversations with the people I love. Not all the people I love, just some of them.

Okay, well, I guess I kind of covered some of those things that I didn't describe in the parentheses, haha.

I'm feeling lonely. I want to kiss someone. My mouth is minty because while I had a migraine, I ate about half a box of Altoids.

Crispy weather is coming.

I am pleased.

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