LustingforNightmares

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2015-08-27 00:31:44 (UTC)

Of Vaginas and Souls, Part 2


"Lover's Spit" by Leslie Feist (Cover of Broken Social Scene)

All these people drinking lover's spit
They sit around and clean their face with it
And they listen to teeth to learn how to quit
Tied to a night they never met

You know it's time
That we grow old and do some shit
I like it all that way

All these people drinking lover's spit
Swallowing words while giving head
They listen to teeth to learn how to quit
Better take some hand and get used to it

You know it's time
That we grow old and do some shit
I like it all that way


August 27, 2015 Thursday 12:36 AM


Okay, where was I. My day.

Oh yeah, I was saying how I feel boring sometimes. Not just with Adrian, but I mean, still. Half the time, I start wondering why he's even talking to me because what am I even saying that is remotely good enough for anyone's ears????

Wow, that sounded.. Um. Very self-deprecating. I think I'm an interesting person, I just HATE that I can't show other people.

There are only a few people who know me. Caroline would be one of them. She accepts me despite my nastiness (she's nasty too, so).

Oh! Me and Caroline talked about childhood today (on Monday, we reminisced and talked about how fucking weird the early 2000's were but that can be summed up in a few words: sparkles, robots, mesh tops, ramen hair, butterfly barrettes).

She was saying that whenever she was in the car, she'd imagine herself riding a horse alongside the car. That, or she'd be running beside the car. Sometimes, it was a different person.

I've actually read that imaging someone running alongside your car is something a lot of kids did. I didn't.

I was a weird kid. I only just realized that... I'm pretty sure I didn't think in words until I was like six.

Everything in my head was wordless and I was always mesmerized by patterns.

I lived more in my fantasy worlds than real life, but that's expected.

What I mean is, I'd stare at patterns and imagine streets and people and daily life. For some reason, I found that fascinating. I've already mentioned that I used to just... stare at things a lot. I still do, sometimes.

Oh! And I have a theory. Sometimes I have these very out of place thoughts, like something from a dream. A snippet of conversation or sound. I've also mentioned this (y'all know me too well) but I'll recap. I'll hear things like "Robert, have you taken out the trash?" or "Woah, man! That was totally wicked!"

It's just weird because it's a sentence, a foreign voice, completely out of context.

Anyway, I think they're remnants of my childhood brain. (I almost started thinking about how I was never 5 year old Veronica and 5 year old Veronica will never be me and I am none of these people that they say I was and oh my god no)

The leftovers of how I used to think. In stories. I thought in stories. They took me away. Not that I really needed to get away, except for when I was around people. I was a nervous kid (GAD for life yo) and I think I used my imagination to escape loneliness haha.

Or maybe I'm just reading into it wayyyy too much. Maybe I was just being a child.

I just thought it was interesting.

I used to have this fake world, Silly World. I knew it wasn't real(For god's sake, farts acted as jetpacks in this make-believe world).

Even so, I'd PRETEND to adamantly believe it to be real. I'm not sure why I lied. I got some kind of weird satisfaction out of tricking the people around me. Like, "Hah! You think I'm gullible enough to think this world, which originated in my mind, is real???? For fuck's sake, guys."

Okay, so maybe those weren't my exact thoughts.

Moving on.

Liv was pretty horny today. Or maybe she's always horny and she's only just now talkimg about it haha.

I dunno how the conversation started, but we talked about masturbation today. She said she reads dirty stories on THIS VERY SITE so I told her about a different (better) site dedicated just to erotic stories haha. Hey, she might as well read the good stuff.

We also discovered we've both been masturbating since childhood! What!

And we discussed the strength of the vagina. I love that Liv talks about this stuff! She's so open, it's nice.

I'm a little jealous of how often she's horny, though. Just because... I'm rarely sexually attracted to people. And I want to be. I can think someone is sexy, but the most I'll want to do to them is cuddle or have a heavy make-out session.

It could be that I have low self-esteem. It could also be that I haven't fully experienced the wonders of another human touching your body in previously private places. I'm definitely planning on having sex, so we'll see.

I do get horny, but only like once every couple weeks for a few days straight. I'm so annoyingly insatiable at those times, though. Like, fuck, self, one time should be enough. (It almost never is)

ALRIGHT. TIME FOR SOULS:

Oops. This probably would've fit better earlier in the entry. Adrian and I were talking about souls today.

At first, I was just perplexed because... Okay, whenever people talk about souls, the thing I get the most stuck on is... the soul, itself.

(it's gonna take me awhile to get to the Adrian part, gimme a paragraph and I'll be there)

Like what basis do you have for souls existing? I don't think souls are a thing. I think 'souls' are just peoples consciousness. No, not even that, our frontal lobe and the cerebral cortex (damages to those parts of the brain are usually found in sociopaths).

I just get confused because people try combining science with souls? And it doesn't make sense because is there a scientific basis for the kind of soul people are usually referring to? Not really. Not that I know of.

By now, you should know I don't believe in anything, so me not thinking souls are a thing isn't really a surprise.

Also, everyone has different definitions for souls and it's just?????

But no, that's not what Adrian meant. He defined soul as consciousness and I was like, "Oh, okay, yeah" because that's something I can actually get on board with.

It just got me to thinking a lot about souls. He was concerned that when we die, it dies too. Permanently.

See, that kinda worries me too, sometimes, but for the most part, I don't care. Probably because I've been thinking about it since elementary school.
I'm pretty sure I've always thought that when people die, they just stop existing.

(Although after the events of earlier this year, I really, REALLY wish I believed in something for once. Don't get me wrong, though. Normally, I'm happy with being sure about the things that can be proven and only those things. I'm cautious, okay?)

We're small and I'm tired. Goodnight.


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