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2015-08-26 23:39:45 (UTC)

Of Vaginas and Souls, Part 1

"Dream Cave" by Cloud Control

I love you too, I'm not scared for you darling
I'll make you mine all of my dirt
All I could do is dream of you darling
I'm in a dream cave

[if I never fall in love, I think maybe this song is good enough to fake the feeling for me. I love how the last few minutes of the song are just dripping sounds. I love caves... I haven't been to one in a long time. It figures I'd like being underground though, haha]

August 26, 2015 Wednesday 11:39 PM

Okay, so yes, it HAS in fact been five whole days since my last entry. I know, it's a record. Especially since I didn't even have much of a desire to write. Probably because I was writing something else (I've already mentioned this, but I'm currently writing a story-thing and I'd rather focus on that than my own life. Make-believe is nice).

Let's do a quick (boring ass) recap:

-Saturday. Um??? What did I do??? Oh! I got my shirt in the mail! (the Someone Still Loves You, Boris Yeltsin one)! I'M SO HAPPY IT'S ADORABLE). I also got a couple other shirts I ordered in the mail, one with The Overlook hedge maze on it and another (the one I'm wearing now) with an anglerfish.

I love anglerfish. They're so freaky.

I hope one day humans have their own bioluminescent appendage.

Ethan was here on Saturday. Called me a phony and a freak, the usual. I was a little struck by sadness just because he's never around and I don't think he'll ever be around anymore. Plus, it's been like two years since he's actually spent a lot of time in our house and-

Okay, you know what, I'm being ridiculous. None of this matters??? I had these same thoughts a few months ago, right before April died, and then they went away because he was around for a week or so and the weirdness lessened. I'm stupid and I make everything dramatic, it's true, haha.

POINT IS, HE WAS HERE SATURDAY and he brought his friend Raj, who was very VERY attractive. He had a beard-type thing. I dig the scruffy look. Actually, fluffy hair in general just really makes me happy. I love head hair (as for hair other places, I think I'm indifferent, haha).

Sunday - what did I do this day??? Probably nothing, but I was happy and that's enough, right? Oh, I may have cleaned. Possible. OH, THAT'S RIGHT. WE WENT SCHOOL SUPPLY SHOPPING AND I'M PRETTY MUCH SET.

Monday - Went to a Beach House concert. I LOVED IT. I wormed my way to the front, but I was still at the far right and so I was closest to the drummer.

The drummer was beautiful. He had this weird, flippy brown hair (the kind combed over to the side in an attractive way, not skaterboy hair). But mostly, I was mesmerized by the lights and his drumming passion?

Don't get me wrong, I looked at the other people, too (I like the guitar player. He's funny), but he was still the most interesting. Plus, the drum is what was beating in my heart. It was pretty much the heart of the show, in my opinion.

It ended with a bang (my pink is cold, goddammit). Pretty much a shitload of loud noise, especially the drums. It was awesome. I thought I was going to go deaf and I actually saw numbers on an analog display shaking out of sync with one another, but that could've been my eyeballs vibrating violently in their sockets.

Point is, Beach House is better than I thought. The opening band, Romantic States, was really awesome too. There was a girl drummer and I thought she was great. The guy had really deep-set eyes. He looked very angular and frail and somehow that combination just equaled beauty.

I love that there are so many ways for people to be astonishingly beautiful.

Tuesday - What did I even do yesterday?



I woke up early and got all done up (this basically means I wore a t-shirt and make-up. Lily picked me up at nine and we went to school.

Gosh, that sucked (I keep trying to italicize my words but there are no italics on here).

No, actually, it was okay. I just didn't like getting up early because I went to sleep at 2 AM. I slept pretty well, though.

Better than earlier this week. I've been happy, fending off my demons (yes, unfortunately they're STILL there), but I had a really bad nightmare.

I've only had two this summer. The one with Elise's funeral and this last one.

The rest are just bizarrely horrible dreams and those, I kinda enjoy.

The one I had the other night had me acting weird around my dad.

I dreamt that he molested me or something. It was really uncomfortable and strange. Then later, to hurt me, he told me that he had once let people pay him to gang-rape me.

I told him that wasn't true because I would remember it and he said, "Would you? It was pretty violent." After that, I believed him. And god, I just walked around the neighborhood a lot for the rest of my dream, feeling shocked. Also hungry, but I didn't want to go home and I didn't have any money.

I kept running into people, like Meekah and Lily and Tray (the encounter with him was weird. He had just been balancing on the curb, staring at the sky. I did the same), but eventually just brushed them off.

There was this whole parade thing so people we heading down the street and I was walking in the opposite direction.

It just sucked and I felt gross when I woke up. So yay for that.

Back on topic: I went to school today. I got my schedule and locker (FIRST FLOOR, YES) and then I waited in the guidance line for like an hour so I could drop out of AP Bio and Advertisement & Design.

So, now, I'm taking Art Tech and Chemistry Honors. I'm pretty sure I don't have any classes with anyone I know and that fucking sucks (other than APUSH, because there's only one period for that, but I doubt we'll have time to socialize).

This year's going to be hard. Please, self, try and have a little spine. STOP WILTING, YOU'RE NOT A FLOWER AND YOU NEVER WILL BE (be a tumbleweed)

(or a vine)

(or a patch of moss)

(and if you must be a flower, be one that glows. Do those exist or am I just thinking of Peter Pan?)

I saw Alexis today!!! SHE GAVE ME A FERRIS BUELLER SHIRT AND I GAVE HER THE SOCKS I BOUGHT HER (one of them had toast on it because food is great and the other had Einstein wearing sunglasses and his formulas. It was called "Relatively Cool." What? No laughs? I thought it was hilarious.)

Later, she invited me to hang out with her next week, which I am looking forward to. I wonder if we'll get high? I think I would, if the chance came up, smoke weed. Besides, Alexis is easy to relax around so maybe it'll be more fun with her. Maybe I won't get nauseas again haha.

(Y'know, it never used to make me nauseas, but then I just HAD to drink Vodka at the same time. I've never been the same.)

(On a dark note, the same thing happened with pills? I can't swallow them without wanting to puke because of the overdose thing. Swore I wrote about that.)

Anyway, it'll be fun to hang out with her. Hopefully, I won't suck. I can never predict my moods.

I also talked to Adrian a bit today. I'm ALWAYS surprised by how kind he is??? I forget how nice of a person he is until I talk to him again.

He suggested this Mortified podcast episode and it was really fucking funny. At some point, I fell down because I was laughing too hard at something the speaker had said, haha.

Sometimes I feel boring talking to him, though. Just because he's like... an interesting person who does things and thinks.

I, meanwhile, don't do anything and I think a lot about the wrong things. Plus, my sense of humor is either really stupid or really dry. I dunno how stupid I can be around him (you gotta feel around, you know?).




Alexis: I would send a video back but I have low storage

Me: O the sadness

Alexis: Poetic

Me: "Thanks"
"Ps: You can call me William

Alexis: Do you bite your thumb at me sir

Me:"How dare you even imply such things. I've been nothing but kind!"
PS: you can't call me William anymore
PPS: NOW I bite my thumb at you

Alexis: Well I never don't bite it off now

Me: (The southern accent, I can hear it)
*shakespeare has left the group chat*



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