Ranmat

The Last Hours
2015-08-24 13:00:46 (UTC)

Hard Headed Me

Once again I have been disobedient.

Every time it's different but this particular time I was very clouded in blurred.


I meant Jamal when I was going to PCC. I sat be hind him in music class. And stared at his back all day. He stands about 6 '3 and he's about 240 all muscle. Well we started talking on the phone for our conversation we laughed we proved compatible and became friends and then lovers.


Not just the regular kind but very intense kind we still managed to go to work and school and football practice but other than that our goal was to get back to each other. This went on for a while and then I met Darren


I gravitated to Darren and then Jamal met someone we didn't see each other for a while. Then we hook up again and this time we were involved in relationships but we were each other's exception and we fell in our old routine quick. He moved back to Arizona because his girl got pregnant we lost contact. When me and Darren broke up and I reached out to him he was broke up went to Arizona he was going through financial issues and didn't see the opportunity for us to finally be together without having anyone else involved so I left Arizona we lost contact.


Have five years or so later and I missed him I searched for him which is hard because he doesn't do any social media and I found his address but no number nothing else and didn't know how I could go all the way in Arizona and pop-up just based on an address without seeming like a stalker. So I threw the number away so and have any Temptation.


Will fast forward to about two months ago where I ran through pictures and found one of him and saw something on TV that reminded me of us. And decided to seek him out and I found a work email address I sent him a professional sounding email and two days later he called me back


So this is something I went looking for.

Of course I didn't know what his situation was where would be but he always keeps a pretty serious relationship. Come to find out I was very surprised that he was divorced but in a new relationship one involving a two-year-old with a little brother sister on the way very soon.


And initially I was curious to see if he was doing well and if you still alive and I didn't have any intention on starting a serious relationship with this man if it was possible because he's not a brother.


And I have underestimated him forgotten let him tell it how would we call ourselves when we are with each other "Infectious". Our pull to each other especially in the sexual sense is in sane And I couldn't stop touching myself if I try just hearing his deep voice. And he feels the same but aint going no where as he is very committed or I should say involved.


So now we have this pattern of talking to each other on our way homes and we reminisce he remembers everything is like a freaking elephant. And he's 99% of what I would want in a man. I mean he is a man he has always even when we were young he has always been a man. He takes no shit he's there he's educated he's confident please straightforward verbal he is responsible he's ambitious he takes pride still in he is body. And the dick is big and he knows exactly what to do with it. He listens to hip-hop and other types of music we are both strong sexual Leo's.


I won't call him because of his relationship but he called me and he text me and recently he went to Florida and stay the weekend with his daughter and he was away from her and we talked for hours a day at least. We haven't sent each other any pictures. We even talked about opening Pandoras box and being together as we have both agreed it is no way that we could see each other's with her eyes and not have sex. Hazy then going to say if we were within two hours of getting to the other person it's going down And honestly Arizona is $200 learn our plane ticket which to me is not far enough.


So there's two things that pretty much came up and one is the fact that he made a comment that if I was to or him get too involved then we have to end it like cold turkey. And last night he texted me and in time where he usually doesn't text me and I text him back and asked if he could text. You would think so right since he text me first. Well he's not versed with computers however they were all bold letters and!'s and he's told me to listen as if I was a child and he was putting me in my place.


Really?


First of all I have been contemplating for the last week how the situation is a dead-end for the simple fact that I'm not the woman on the side. It was fine in her 20s because my head was so far up Darren's ass I wasn't that committed to getting Jamall as he was me. But now not only are we more grown I haven't been celibate for three years to be the mistress. I need my own man for me. And while opening Pandora's box and possibly falling in love would only put me in a place of depression. In fact for the last two weeks I have been very emotional just because my period was coming. And all I could play over and over and over again was Beyoncé song I miss you. And this situation puts me in a mood that I don't remember really ever been in I mean I was quiet I didn't want to talk I didn't want to smile just wanted to sit there partly I wanted to punish myself for being so disobedient and blame I felt I deserved to wallow in depression. And this is a clear sign that being involved with this man would not fear a healthy relationship for me. I have definitely come too far but why in the world would I invite my own self to that party. I am clearly lonely and questionably desperate.


And guilty


Guilty because mentally I was consumed

I'm not being patient and I'm not trusting Jehovah

It was like I had a spiritual wall that wouldn't allow any good any Heleen to come through and if it did I was just pushing it back out again. Again not something that I have been working towards.


I am a good woman.


I am a mutha fucking queen.




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