LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2015-08-20 00:09:53 (UTC)

Lil Tumbleweed of Hate

PPPPSSSSSSTTTT THIS IS A NOTIFICATION:

After writing this entry, I maaaaay or may not change my username from LustingforNightmares to Tumbleweed. I've had LustingforNightmares for literal years so I'm kinda hesitant to give it up but I also hate it just a little bit. It's so angsty. I DO like nightmares, but really, old self? "Lusting"? Jesus. Okay, well, just letting you know. If anyone still reads this. Hi, hullo, thank you.
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"Gun-Shy" by Grizzly Bear [this band is growing on me. These lyrics gave me the most wonderful imagery. They make me want to draw. I'm happy]


The sky keeps staring at me
Frozen in my tracks (Nothing else to see)
And when I move my face left
You're always standing there (A shadow I can't see)
And even then I can't trace
You're walking away

I put my ears to the ground
Always pushing down (Nothing I can hear)
I found the worst half in me
We're cut off at the knees (Can't even take a stand)
Against your words and beliefs
We didn't wanna freeze

(All of the years, leaving me here Gun-shy)
I don't want to say it all again (the pain, losing my aim)
Never seem to see (And why?)
Do I always feel it all the same
The blisters in my eyes (Recite)
A guide that has only led me stray
And even as I limp (you smile)

The cold keeps tearing at me
Slowing down my blood,(Unable to speak)
I left my mind long ago
Choosing some false (Always letting go)
And when I try to face you
You're walking away

(All of the years, leaving me here Gun-shy)
I don't want to say it all again (the pain, losing my aim)
Never seem to see
(And why?) Do I always feel it all the same
The blisters in my eyes
(Recite) A guide that has only led me stray
And even as I limp (you smile)


August 20, 2015 Thursday 12:28 AM

[This entry is mostly about Liv and stuff. I also talk briefly about my day. Nothin' special. My legs are a nice color.]

Liv is currently texting me. She said she'd been having some suicidal thoughts and could feel herself slipping again.

I'm not worried. I mean, I am. And if it persists, I'll be afraid, but it's only just returning and she's strong, so she'll be okay. Still, it'll get worse if it's not eased.

I'm trying to help her now. I'm trying to co-counsel (that's what we learn in Peer) her through text??? I don't know how well I'm doing. My goal is to just get her to say as much as she can so she doesn't feel like a ticking time bomb anymore.

Liv tried calling me but after about a minute, she started crying. I'm sorry if I sound so emotionless when it comes to this. I'm not. I DO feel for her. But at the same time, I'm trying to keep a clear head and think about how I would have liked to be addressed/treated during those times. Yeah.

I wish I could've done something. About her crying. She said she'd text me instead, so that's what's been happening. Lotsa lotsa texts. I don't mind at all. I think she's starting to feel better now.

!!! Liv just said the cutest thing, wow!!!

"My eyelashes are still wet from crying and son they clumped together beautifully as if i put on clear mascara ^.^ cool beans"

I LOVE WHEN PEOPLE USE THE PHRASE COOL BEANS. AND I ALSO LOVE THAT SHE'S HAPPY ABOUT HER WET EYELASHES??? Wooooooow.

(I want to say gosh but I've been saying that a lot lately and thAT'S NOT MY WORD, I NEED TO STOP. It's so pretty sigh)


I was concerned because Liv (I think she's alright, now) said she hasn't been talking about any of this stuff with people because it makes her feel guilty (plus, she thinks she's a negative person). I told her not to hold it in because it just makes you bitter and resentful.

And yes, I was fully aware of the irony those words had coming from ME.

I know for a F A C T that at some point during this year, I thought she was negative, too, and so I wasn't there for her. The truth is, had I been feeling OK myself, I would not have thought badly of her.

That is what I did to myself, though. Kept it all in and turned myself into a Lil Tumbleweed of Hate. CAN THAT BE MY NEW NICKNAME?? IT'S AWFUL BUT IT SOUNDS SO DAMN CUTE.

Anyway, I didn't realize at the time that I was going through a rough period because I never seem to realize that until I'm almost out of it. Probably because realizing I'm not feeling so great forces me to feel better??? In some way?

I told Liv she could talk to me anytime and she said the same. Sigh. If I wasn't a coward, I'd take her up on that offer.

(Maybe in some incredibly complicated, indirect way, I'm trying to hurt myself by not telling anyone anything??????????? Am I a mastermind???)

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Today was okay. I didn't get enough sleep because I am dumb enough to stay up til 5 AM. I got up at around noon. I suppose 6 or 7 (broken up) hours of sleep should be okay, but still, I was sleepy.

I'm going to get dark circles under my eyes haha.

I find it so strange that in some places (namely Britain, bc that's the only place I know of), they say "takeaway" and not "takeout"

And also "telly" "git" "Wotcher" (WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN)

It's not bad or anything, just very foreign to my ears.

Okay, well, I was productive today. Not school productive. I'm starting to think I should drop all my hard classes so I can just educate myself on the things that I actually WANT to do. But it seems to be too late for all that.

Things to consider for Senior year.

Anyway, I got some writing done (: And I also read up on mythology a bit. Learned about the Hero Twins. I think that's Aztec mythology. Nope, I just checked, it's Mayan folklore.

My back hurts. I'm not dizzy todaY!!! Isn't that nice!!! I almost got into an argument with my dad today, though. Not his fault. He was just being his regular, semi-annoying, emotional-maturity-of-a-twelve-year-old self.

I think I'm lowkey stressed the FUCK out. I s'pose this is one of those things I should discuss. I'll ask my mom to make an appointment with Pat. Funny, I've had several chances to remind them, but something's held me back and I don't know what.

Today was very good. I didn't do anything and I feel impending doom on my brow, but hey! I still have a little time to sit around.

Three weeks until school starts. I'd be stupid if I said I had ALL that time to be lazy and lovely.

I have to get my hair done, buy school supplies, sign all my school papers, buy a backpack and stuff my locks in there, buy some pants and t-shirts (I've decided that I'm going to try and wear the easiest possible clothes this year. I don't feel like trying too hard).

Other than that, I have to get my sleep schedule back to normal and try to chill out so that I can actually be social this year.

Oh! And I need to try and not think about the fact that I both love and hate everything about the world. That's pretty general, I know, but I don't want to get into it. Too lazy. Too tired.

Goodnight.

PS:

Does this song, first on the Kid A album by Radiohead, say "There are two corners in my head" or "There are two colors in my head"

I think it's the second one but I prefer the first.

There are two corners in my head as well.

What the fucking FUCK am I trying to say?



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