LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2015-08-17 21:12:52 (UTC)

Heavy As A Feather


"First" by Cold War Kids [!!! I think this song is kinda repetitive but its hook is nice and I like the lyrics]


Flying like a cannonball, falling to the earth
Heavy as a feather, when you hit the dirt
How am I the lucky one?
I do not deserve to wait around forever, when you were there first

First you get hurt, then you feel sorry
There comes a time in a short life
Turn it around, get a rewrite
Call it a dark night of the soul
Ticking of clocks, gravity’s pull
First you get close, then you get worried


[THERE ARE HAROLD & MAUDE SPOILERS THROUGHOUT THIS ENTRY. I'LL WARN YOU.]

9:21 PM

Heavy as a feather, when you hit the dirt. I find that I tend to relate to lyrics that make the least sense in a song.... (Example: Walking the Cow).


*****
I FINISHED HAROLD & MAUDE. I didn't have time to really think about it because I had to go to Peer right after, but it was so!!! I liked it. Maybe I loved it.

I really love Harold. That much I know. Maude, a little less, but she was fascinating.

My favorite part had to be (SPOILERS:::)

1) when he buried his face in the sculpture??? That was weird??

2) when he kept killing himself in the beginning

3) when they talked about becoming flowers after death and then that scene merged into one of a cemetery with rows upon rows of identical tombstones.
Especially since she was talking about how although from afar they looked the same (the white flowers), there were "all kinds of observable differences"

SPOILERS AVERTED.
*****

I thought it was nice. If I were to come back as a flower... No. If I were to come back as a plant, I think I'd come back as ivy on the side of a brick building, or moss at the base of a tree so you have a soft place to sit when you're tired of walking.


Peer was great, just by the way. I felt on edge the whole time, as usual. My knees were shaking.

Malcolm touched me a lot! He hugged me, held my hand and then later leaned against my knees. Oh, and then hugged me more. And then one more time after that??? I don't remember.

(The friendship is platonic, just thought I should add that.)

It made me nervous!!! Whenever anyone touches me, I get nervous. Whenever they lean on me or snuggle me, I just stiffen and try to relax.

I just get paranoid! I think, "Oh my gosh, do I smell, am I gross, am I fat, no get away, get away, I'm gross"

I usually end up letting people touch me for awhile, just BECAUSE I have these thoughts and I want them gone.

So yes, while the touching made me mildly nervous (honestly, I would've been nervous anyway, though, so it's okay), it was nice to know someone wanted to be physically close to me.

Plus, I got to poke his nose and cheeks. It'd be nice to be good friends with him, he's all nice. I ALSO GOT TO TWEAK LIV'S BUN. IT'S SO CUTE. AW. I LOVE LIV WOW.

I got to session with Michelle, a senior in college. We're very alike. We both have a lot of anxiety and stuff, so that's where we bonded. I like her a lot. I hope she survives. More than that, actually. Surviving can kinda suck. I hope she learns to beat it down. !!! I like her! She was my highlight, and she said I was hers. I LOVE PEOPLE AD I LOVE PEER LEADERSHIP. IT ALWAYS RENEWS MY FAITH IN HUMANITY :) not that I dislike humanity. It's just, I sometimes get the feeling that, with the way things are going now, we're honest-to-god doooooomed.


Both Adrian and Sabrina were there and they seemed to be on good terms. I'm happy to see that, like genuinely. I dislike the idea of having a bad break with someone you were once really close to. It scares me. So, okay, maybe I was glad for selfish reasons, maybe I was glad because it reassured me, told me that not all endings have to be as awful as I imagine and I should be less afraid, but still.

(Liv just said she loves my hands and my squishiness and my smell!!!!! I dunno if I like the part about being squishy. I know I'm not fat, but I still don't like... the squish. But I know she meant well and she seems to like it, so I'll accept the compliment. but she sAID SHE LIKES MY HANDS AND UGH I HATE MY HANDS SO THIS IS SO NICE??? I MEAN, I THINK MY HANDS ARE COORDINATED AND I APPRECIATE THEIR ABILITY, BUT THEY'RE WHAT I LIKE TO CALL MAN-HANDS AND IT'S NOT NICE. I DID PAINT THEM BLOOD-RED TODAY. OKAY, MAROON. IT LOOKS LIKE POOLS OF BLOOD TO ME. ALL DARK AND SHIT.)

(SHE JUST SAID "Um i want to naw on your face like a kitty :D" I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER BEEN SO FLATTERED IN MY LIFE.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, WEIRD COMPLIMENTS ARE MY FAVORITE THING. I LIKE BEING CALLED THINGS THAT I AM NOT AND I LIKE WHEN PEOPLE TELL ME I SMELL NICE AND THEY WANT TO DO STRANGE THINGS TO SHOW THEIR AFFECTIONS, SUCH AS THE FACE NAWING.)


I talked to Adrian afterwards and it was awkward, haha. I feel like our encounters are always awkward and strange but it's okay because I kinda like it and it's worth it. I want to be his friend and I like his mind. So yes, it's worth the weirdness on my part (and maybe his).


*****
SPOILERS:

We talked briefly about Harold & Maude. I complained about the ending a bit and he said that at first it made him sad, but as time went on, it made him really happy???

It would've had more an impact on me if I hadn't already seen the ending credits, with the car and the banjo and the "IF YOU WANNA BE FREE, BE FREE" Cat Stevens singing. And also with the... death thing... So yeah. That softened things for me.

Overall, I very much liked it, though. I'm still mad about the death... But now that I actually think about it, it's nice and makes me happy. Because he was okay, I think. Even though she was gone, he was happy and all the better for having known her and ugh it was just. It was good. It was nice. I might watch it again sometime in the future.

SPOILERS AVERTED.
*****


I told Adrian I'd see him in two weeks, because I won't be at Peer next week, and he suggested that he just text me instead.

I was happy about that. I get worried that people don't want to talk to me sometimes?? I've very insecure, okay. That's why we didn't talk after that last text in June and I just figured that that was his way of saying "lets not be friends" in a nice, lowkey way.

??? I hate texting. Why can't we all have tri-weekly city parties where you can see everyone in a casual setting!!! Why must we be so private!!!

New Yorkers are unfriendly. No lie. Whenever we go to New Hampshire, I can TELL we're in a different state, just because their whole demeanor is friendlier. !!!

I love New York, it's my home, but... People are pissy. They smile at you on the streets, though! It's not so bad.

ANYWAY. Gosh. I hope we do get to talk, I want to be friends with him.

OTHER PEOPLE I GOT TO HUG:

-ALSO HUGGED MUSIC
-HUGGED N-DOG (so strange calling her that)
-DID I HUG MICHELLE??? I HOPE
-MALCOLM, OBVIOUSLY
-LIV
-GUITAR GUY
-ALYSSA
-I THINK SOME OTHER PEOPLE, MAYBE.

Okay so Malcolm held my hand til the door, when I said, "My dad's going to ask questions"

HE DROPPED ME LIKE A HOT COAL, HAHAHAHAH, HE GOES, "I'M NOT GOOD WITH DADS"

We went outside and um?? My dad was just lying on the wall, with his Protein shirt and black crocs???

Malcolm was laughing, he goes, "I like him already, haha"

Adrian said something like, "That's your dad? I've heard so much about him!"

Do I talk about my dad to other people that often??? Probably. I think he's a cool guy, when he's not being a five year old.

Anyway, it was nice that they liked him and his gray ponytail. The croc wearing dork, haha.

I'M SO HAPPY, WOW.

I'm very much on the up :) I'm still having a lot of nervous thoughts, but my heart didn't feel like it was going to beat out of my chest today and if I die right now, I'd die happy.

I do feel little bits of sadness. But those, they're more noticeable when I'm happy, and it's better that way. I can't feel appreciation for those who are gone (in many ways) when I'm all freaked out and self-aborbed (I don't mean self-absorbed in a horrible way. I mean, I just get blinded??? It happens slowly, so I can't tell)

It's weird to look back on last week, now. I didn't know I was feeling as bad as I was. Again, it's because it happens gradually. Poison, I tell you. Sigh.

ANYWAY, I'm talking to people again! Mainly Lily and Laney. Liv, too. Answering their texts faster.

Okay. I should go, this is long, and I haven't read my twenty pages of the Scarlet Letter today.

PS:

Is it bad that I still desperately want to talk about the heavy? Examine it? Poke it? Guess my morbidity goes deeper than I originally thought.



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