LustingforNightmares

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2015-08-17 12:29:01 (UTC)

Adorn Thyself With Me!


"The Undoing" by Interpol

[I may have already listed this song. I like it a lot, though, which is unusual because I don't particularly like Interpol. Most of their songs sound the same. BUT THIS ONE HAS SPANISH IN IT AND IT'S SUPER SAD WHICH OF COURSE MEANS I AM INTO IT. I DIDN'T KNOW THE MAIN SINGER GUY SPOKE SPANISH GOSH IT MADE ME SO HAPPY]

I was chased, thrilled and altered
Chasing my damage
Because I was chased, thrilled and altered
And it raised me

Suele tener
Me suelto
Me suelto en el deshacer
Al puro perder el ganar no compara
Me suelto


August 17, 2015 Monday 12:31 PM


Speaking of spanish! I've been doing a lot better with it lately. A few weeks ago, I dreamt in (broken) spanish and I think that's why I've started using it more in waking life. Not on purpose. It was unconscious, really.

I forget I'm bilingual sometimes. Same way I forget I'm hispanic. That's the issue with living in a neighborhood whose diversity is limited. There were two black kids (that I knew of)in my grade in elementary school and, I believe, three hispanic kids (again, that I knew of). I didn't count this stuff until years later so I might be wrong. Stuff like that isn't supposed to matter.

I think I already said this, but when people found out I was hispanic, they would always ask me to speak spanish and giggle at my accent (EVEN ONE OF THE OTHER VAGUELY HISPANIC KIDS MADE FUN OF ME UGH). It was annoying and so I stopped doing it, which made me resent the language a bit.

(I don't have an accent when I speak english, but I speak differently in spanish. Latinos can still sense that I'm American but I sound a little less gringo so eh)

My high school has a better mix (Now, I can hear people shouting stuff in Spanish down the halls haha) but it's kind of too late for my habits. I STILL hate speaking Spanish in front of non family members. But I dunno, I'll work on that???

I've been trying to find indie music sung in spanish??? My mom listens to her music all the time, but I don't really like it. It's mostly Aventura, Prince Royce, and Enrique Iglesias, etc. I get bored of that, especially since most of these songs have been played in my house since childhood.

I know there are indie bands. I've heard some songs by them. I am ON A QUEST.

-----

I AM IN A VERY GOOD MOOD. I went to be at about half past three and woke up at ten so I didn't get enough sleep but *shrug*

I tried going back to sleep but the sun was too damn bright. I wanted to lie on my back but it was shining directly in my eyes.

Whatever. I'm pleased with having been awake for a few hours. Usually, this is around the time I get out of bed all groggily.

My brain hasn't stopped doing the mean things. In a way, that's kind of comforting, though. It means it's not all in my head. Okay, well, it is, but not in a way that I can totally control. I can only ignore/counteract it, which is alright.

I have Peer today!!!

THAT REMINDS ME.

Alexis told me that Adrian and his girlfriend (I think I had a name for her, but I forgot it) broke up. I felt a little guilty because I was vaguely pleased to hear that. That makes no sense to me.

I mean, I could say it's because I have a crush on him, but if I do, it's not very strong (mostly because I've been pretty focused on my own problems lately, which ends up making me feel like I'm not worthy of other human being's affections. AKA the thought of liking someone is just painful because I'm pathetic. No, I'm not. Jesus, I need to be nice to myself).

I dunno. I dislike that evil little part of myself.

The rest of me is kind of sad. They're both really nice/interesting people and they seemed good together.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S WEIRD. As of last Peer meeting, I suspected they were going to break up. I didn't think I was right, but hey. They were sitting pretty far away from one another. The previous time I saw them together at a meeting, his girlfriend (I NEED TO GIVE HER A NAME. SOMETHING THAT STARTS WITH AN S. SABRINA, I GUESS) was sitting on his lap.

And! Before school ended, they both had this deep talk in front of everyone about how much they cared for one another. It was sweet, even though I was inwardly cringing (sometimes direct statements of one's feelings, even when aimed towards other people, makes my brain uncomfortable. Not always).

I'm deeply curious as to who broke up with who and why, but I'm never going to ask them, ahha. I'm nosy as hell, but I try to restrain myself. I mean, what right do I have, asking those kinds of probing questions when I wouldn't answer them myself?

Besides. It's much better when someone confides in you of their own accord.

----

I feel like this entry is too long so I keep breaking it up.

----

My dreams have been very irritating for the past few days. They all take place in shopping malls and I always end up feeling embarrassed or awkward and afraid for some reason.

----

My dad and I haven't been fighting lately! I think we're both in good moods. Now that his family is gone, he has no reason to stress over every tiny thing. He pops into my room in the morning to say goodbye before work and we have short, sleepy conversations (sleepy on my part. He's a morning person).

Today, it was him asking me to do the dishes. Oooo, I should do that. I also have to clean the cat box. Why does Keeko have to produce so much waste nooo

I'm glad me and Dad have been getting along, though. I hope this lasts.

----

I JUST MISSED MY MOUTH WHILE DIRNKING WATER.

MY SHIRT IS ALL WET!!! :(


----

At this point, I have no reason to write. I just don't want to do anything else. Sigh.

I'm going to watch the rest of Harold & Maude after this. I think that might become one of my favorite movies because I like it a lot so far.

The Scarlet Letter might also earn a spot on my favorite books list. I sometimes think it's too dense for my attention, but it's so beautiful??? Nathaniel Hawthorne's descriptions of Pearl remind me a bit of how Elise liked to describe herself. Probably because he refers to her as a nymph or elf-child. !!! I just think it's pretty. She would've liked this book, I think.

----

QUOTES THAT I'VE RECENTLY COME TO ADORE:

"'No, my little Pearl!' said her mother, 'Thou must gather thine own sunshine. I have none to give thee!'" -The Scarlet Letter, p. 71


"It is remarkable, that persons who speculate most boldly often conform with the most perfect quietude to the external regulations of society." -The Scarlet Letter, p. 113


"At first, as already told, she had flirted fancifully with her own image in a pool of water, beckoning the phantom forth - as it declined to venture - seeking a passage for herself into its sphere of impalpable earth and unattainable sky. Soon finding, however, that either she or the image was unreal..." - The Scarlet Letter, p. 121


"And she gathered gentler here than in the grassy-margined streets of the settlement, or in her mother's cottage. The flowers appeared to know it; and one and another whispered, as she passed, 'Adorn thyself with me, thou beautiful child, adorn thyself with me!' --and, to please them, Pearl gathered the violets, and the anemones, and columbines, and some twigs of the freshest green, which the old trees held down before her eyes. With these, she decorated her hair, and her young waist, and became a nymph-child, or an infant dryad, or whatever else was closest in sympathy with the antique wood." -The Scarlet Letter, p. 141


This book is so beautiful. It makes me sad. Adorn thyself with me.



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