LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2015-08-15 02:45:28 (UTC)

I suddenly had a profound thought that I cannot put into words, sorry

"Trailer Trash" by Modest Mouse [I've definitely posted this song before but I love it a lot so. Also, if you happen to like Modest Mouse, you should look at this article:

http://www.heartachewithhardwork.com/2013/02/top-10-modest-mouse-songs.html

because.. well, I dunno, maybe his descriptions of some songs are pretentious but I don't really care???]


Eating snow flakes with plastic forks
And a paper plate of course, you think of everything
Short love with a long divorce
And a couple of kids of course

They don't mean anything
Live in trailers with no class
*Goddamn I hope I can pass high school (means nothing)
Taking heartache with hard work
Goddamn I am such a jerk, I can't do anything*

And I shout that you're all fakes
And you should have seen the look on your face
And I guess that's what it takes
When comparing your bellyaches
And it's been a long time

Which agrees with this watch of mine
And I guess that I miss you, and I'm sorry
if I dissed you


August 15, 2015 Saturday 2:50 AM


PEOPLE. THERE IS A NEW WELCOME TO NIGHT VALE EPISODE OUT TONIGHT. HOW GREAT IS THAT?

You ever notice how the day after I write a really angsty entry, I'm usually pretty chipper?

Yeah that's what's happening here.

I just needed a way to temporarily get it out of my system, is my official theory. Sorry, those of you who worried about me.

For some reason, that just made me remember this older guy who used to send me diary feedback all the time (non-creepy, haha. In fact, it was actually more of how a close family member would talk to you).

Maybe I'm just remembering it all with too much fondness. I didn't appreciate it too much way back when (AKA maybe half a year ago). It's not that I didn't like it. Mostly, I was indifferent, although I did feel a bit disappointed when I didn't get a message.

Anyway, this guy, he stopped feedbacking me some time ago because he became a mormon, I think. I don't exactly know what that religion requires, but he stopped writing in his diary and also let me know that he wouldn't be sending messages anymore. Something about sins, probably. ??

Hello, if you happen to stumble upon this one day. I still think about you, obviously! Haha. This goes for a lot of people, actually. I still think about you. Yes, you. Okay. I'm going to stop now.


So wanna hear about my day? It's not particularly interesting. I woke up at ten, which annoyed me. Dreams were not very pleasant, but I can't remember them. I had to wake up before noon because Lily invited me to go rock climbing with her and Marina (Marina was a surprise).

We ended up go-karting instead because the rock climbing place was closed at that time in the morning. GO FIGURE. WOKE UP EARLY FOR NOTHIN. At least she bought me a donut.

Marina is nice. I wouldn't want to be friends with her, but she's not so bad. I doubt she'd want to be friends with me either. It works out for the best.

She complimented my legs, and that's always lovely. I just always remember middle school and all the bad things I thought about her. I've mostly let that stuff go. I don't think it was completely unwarranted, but it's bad for me and yeah, she's OK.

I liked hanging out with Lily and exchanging our usual stupid banter. We also tried doing a shaped puppy puzzle??? It WAS SO FUCKING HARD AND THERE WERE HIDDEN PHALLIC PIECES IN THEM.

THE CONSUMER REVIEWS SAID IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE SILHOUETTE OF A SITTING PUPPY BUT IT WAS VERY MUCH DICK SHAPED, LET ME TELL YOU THAT MUCH.

PROBABLY THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY DAY HAHA. LILY FRICKIN HIT ME IN THE CROTCH WITH IT.

SHAME ON THE LILY.

(also the face)

(fuckin Lily)

I kinda miss her, but I still decided not to go with her and Laney to the amusement park tomorrow. I feel a little guilty, just because I'm a coward and I said that my mom told me no.

They probably didn't even believe me.

I just didn't want to go. I need some time alone. I spend most of my year doing things I don't want to do... Not all the time, because if I can, I'll frickin worm my way out of it.

(TELLTALE SIGNS SHOWING ONE IS NOT YET AN ADULT. I BEAR NO SHAME TOWARDS THIS - PLEASE LET ME BE TWO YEARS OLD AGAIN, YES)

Besides, as horrible as this sounds, I don't want to hang out with Lily and Laney. I love them and they're my friends but... No, I don't want to get into it. Too much work and I don't even know the answer yet.

Pending.

!!!

Here is a plan for how I'm going to avoid spiraling into that whole wow-i-hate-myself-and-i-have-no-future-and-the-entire-world-is-fucked internal thought process thing again.

Um, the main problem is my out-of-control anxiety. This won't be easy peasy to fix, but I can ask Vera for medication (NO FUCKING WAY AM I GOING TO TRY AND DEAL WITH THIS ON MY OWN ANYMORE. NO. ESPECIALLY IF I CONTINUE DEALING WITH FEELINGS THE WAY I DO).

Next, I need to be more active when sharing feelings. Seriously. I hate the idea of doing that, but it's unhealthy to keep everything private, haha. I'm going to end up hurting myself. Besides, I've been feeling a burning in my tummy lately and I'm paranoid.

My mom got an ulcer from her anxiety (granted, it saved her life because it brought attention to the fact that she had gastric lymphoma cancer, but this is different) and I don't want that???? She had to drink like a gallon of this solution every day for awhile (my sense of time was all fucked up back then. Didn't have a caaaare in the damn world).

Anyway, it sounds complicated and annoying and just no.

Next issue.

Learn to meditate. I keep telling myself to do this but I never do.

OTHER THINGS I SHOULD DO:

-Read my book thing

-Read up on mythology more heavily, to see if I enjoy it enough to pursue a career in it

-Fill out that library application. The paying job is taken, but it would be nice if I could at least volunteer. I don't know if I should volunteer there or at the humane society... For the humane society, I need to take a class, but I missed the most recent one due to vacation and everything. I have to call to see when the next one is.

-Clean my room.

-Make a list of school clothes and other things

-Make a list of school supplies possibly needed (they don't give us lists!!! They tell us what we need on the first day of school!!! Like we have time to shop after that!!!)

-Exercise u know

-Hang out and do fun stuff

-Drink more water (I've fallen out of practice once again due to vacation fucking up my Health Schedule)

-Learn how to maintain schedules when unexpected events occur????

-Oh! Make hair appointment

-Draw. Haven't done that in awhile

-Write. This requires some mythology research so that'll be fun. I actually already did most of the research, so now I just need to get creative with it.

-Order Windows 7 online so I can FINALLY finish building my computer.

-Practice some of the coding dad taught me yesterday (it's vi. some of the commands were cd, ls, /[insert whatever here], :wq, i)

-I'm very excited.


OH. I'm up at 3 in the morning because I've had an exhausting headache all day. I thought I was dehydrated so I've been drinking water but I couldn't stand it so I took half a dose of migraine pills. That's equal to half a cup of coffee. I'm caffeinated, people.


Okay. I might go read Elise's diary, now. I think I'm in a stable enough mood to just feel glad I knew her.

Sometimes I forget like... the majority of our interactions, haha. I remember the most recent ones the best. The other day, though (AKA a week ago), I was looking through old feedbacks and I saw a bunch of stuff from her??

In one, she said my dad sounded pretty cool and it was good that I read that, because he was being very pissy that day and it made me remember the good things about him.

Other than all the old feedbacks, there are a bunch of e-mails and facebook messages. I don't know if I'll ever look through them all, but hey. It's really nice to know they're there.

OK GOODNIGHT GUYS.

PS:

I think I'm pretty today. My skin is really even for some reason, haha (OTHER THAN THE ANNOYING PIMPLE ON MY CHEEK. PLEASE GO AWAY). Also, my hair is soft and it smells good. I was also looking at my body in the mirror and eh. It's not so bad.

I'm glad I don't feel so disgusting today.

Today was a very good day.

PPS:

I HAD A WORDESS EPIPHANY.

AND NOW IT'S GONE.

DAMMIT.

IT HAD TO DO WITH THE UNIVERSE AND HOW IS IT THAT WE WERE SO LUCKY THAT THE WORD "TIME" RHYMES WITH "RHYME"

IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH LUCK, REALLY, BUT I MEAN... RHYME TIME. THE HUMAN RACE, EVERYONE. AMAZING.

Ok I'm a bit weird. See, this is why I miss Caroline. THIS IS AROUND THE TIME I'D RANT AT HER ABOUT NONSENSICAL THINGS AND SHE'D TAKE IT IN STRIDE.

AFTER ALL, MOST OF MY THOUGHTS ARE LIKE THE RHYME TIME THOUGHT SO...



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