Liv Texted Me
"Lake and Ocean" by The Coral Sea
"Silver Soul" by Beach House
August 13, 2015 Thursday 7:43 PM
Sometimes I feel like I'm just not going fast enough. I've always worried about that and I've mentioned it a lot - not enough time. Usually, I only have a major problem with it when I'm having a bad day.
I don't think I'm having a bad today. I've mostly been reading the Scarlet Letter. I'm only halfway through and I need to have finished this book and A Tree Grows In Brooklyn by the time school starts. If I read 20 pages of The Scarlet Letter a day, I should be done by Wednesday, and if I start A Tree Grows In Brooklyn at THAT time and read seven chapters daily, I should finish in eight days.
I do feel a bit weird. Sick, kind of, but I know I'm not actually. Unhealthy. I've been feeling unhealthy lately and it probably has to do with my mind.
I dislike that >:(
Also, I just found out that I can't go to the last Peer summer meeting... I'm going to be at a concert. I'd rather go to Peer but Caroline and I bought these tickets months ago.
Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.
Most people have depression for awhile and then they get help and then, after a bit of work, they're okay. Same with anxiety. They do it so quickly and are able to move on.
I feel a little stuck. It keeps coming back and I just wonder if I'm doing something - or not doing something - to encourage this.
There comes the part where people who used to understand are able to get back on their feet and I'm happy for them, but the pity. No. I'm probably imagining it. I shouldn't be so mad all the time. I'm not angry at them anyway, so why should I take it out on them?
I try not to think about it because then my lungs end up tightening and I.. don't know, I just have thoughts and they go too fast.
After this, I'm going to make a list. I'm not what you'd call an organized person, but I guess I do like having a loose schedule.
That's why I keep the format of these entries mostly the same, unless I'm in a hurry. It's probably why I like staying home most days, too.
I figure that I enjoy the stability of home life because I don't trust my head to stay the same, the way my house stays the same. No people to affect me, no thoughts about myself, no worrying.
The whole point of this thing was to say... I don't know what to do. I'm very confused and I don't know. I'm not feeling hopeless or anything, but I am kind of just... What now?
I've done a few things here and there. Changed my diet, my exercise plan, medicated myself, I don't know. I used to do those mindfulness exercises and I think those helped. I have more perspective than I used to.
(Side Note: Alexis, Polaris, and I are going to make jello shots :D I know I'm going to ask Alexis to stop me after one or two. I don't want to get any more than buzzed and I hear they're pretty potent. We discussed trying MDMA together, but I did some research on it and I told Alexis I couldn't because I'm kind of already unstable as it is. Too much risk involved, as opposed to weed. Not that I'd like to smoke anytime soon. I don't think it's all that fun.)
I'm just worried I need more therapy. I don't... hate.. therapy. I like Pat a lot. And it's not so bad because I rarely ever go. I've only been three or four times this year, which is because I keep accidentally missing appointments.
Honestly, it hasn't done much for me, though. I've been able to talk to another human being but I don't know where to go from there. I don't know how to challenge my thought process.
I also hate having to go to appointments during the school year. It drags up all the emotion I'm trying to ignore. I know that's not healthy, but it's the only way I can get things done and continue living life as a "normal person"!
(I do the bare minimum in order to achieve the Functional Human Being status. Too preoccupied to do anything else!)
THe worst part is that therapy is difficult. It takes a long ass time and during that time, I'll be living with my emotions flowing freely into my ever corner, and just... how am I supposed to control myself like that? I barely have a handle on me as it is?
These are excuses. I still don't want to talk to my mom about it. Honestly, I hate the look she gets on her face. She either looks completely blank and changes the subject or she just wears this heartbroken expression that kills me.
Same with my dad, only I want to avoid his tip toeing. His faux casual, "So.... How are you.... Doing... Today...?...."
I know that means they care but being treated differently makes me soooo uncomfortable. They don't know what to say. No one does. It's better to deal with it myself, don't trouble them with it.
The reason I'm saying all this is because Liv sent me a text this morning and I've been thinking about it all day. It woke me up and I almost couldn't fall back asleep. I just don't know to... reply. So, of course, my reaction is to hide from the entire human race until further notice.
Here's the text, typos and all. Although, when I got it, the text orders were all mixed up so I fixed that.
You know that song that
goes like "this is my fight
song..." well i
never really liked it before
but I listened to the lyrics
and i wa
s on the verge if tears(couldn't cry in the
car with my mom)
it kind of reminded me of your depression and stuff
because all i
want is for you to be okay.
You don't have to be the
in thr world but i just dont
want anxiety and
depression to run yo
ur life. I love you, Veronica
and i believe you deserve
to live a c
arefree life. Okay have a
nice day. I know your
sleeping right now.
And that youll want to
respond but i will be going
to white face m
ountain and i have no idea
about whether ill have
reception up ther
e. So yeah i love and miss
you and i want to hug you
I kind of really hate that I cried a little when typing all that stuff.
I'm not even really sure how I feel about it.
My first reaction, even in that area between sleep and wakefulness where everything is fuzzy (the way it's supposed to be, the way it should be), I immediately had the urge to interrogate her.
I won't let myself understand and that upsets me. I won't let myself. I can't make myself. So much for control.
I wanted to ask her why she was even thinking of me. How she knew I was anxious and depressed and what made her think I even feel that way right now?
1) I can't seem to imagine anyone thinking about me, whether it be casual or not, (the way I do you, or Elise, or all the people behind my eyes gosh what) unless I'm standing in front of them. I just can't imagine it. I wonder what leads them to me or how they see me in their head and why, why, why am I even in a positive light??? I don't think my self-esteem is that low, I just think self-deprecating thoughts have been ingrained in me.
2) I got defensive. All she did was send me a text showing her love and I got defensive. I didn't actually reply, but I almost felt offended that she thought I was not okay. ??? I don't even have concrete evidence that that is what she was suggesting, but my reaction to whatever that was surely shows I have issues.
And now, to analyze the text, in order to comfort myself and assure me that no one actually knows that I'm constantly having trouble with this.
Maybe I'm kidding myself. Maybe I'm not as secretive as I think. Just last month, I told Alexis about my instability. I kept it very vague and I appreciated her lowkey reaction, but it still felt kind of weird. Too much exposure.
I know that months ago, I told Liv about some stuff. About the hospital, because I view that whole time period as kind of dream-like and unreal so it didn't matter much to me. Also, about my diagnosis's I think. But that was over six months ago.
What else have I said that could've suggested that I'm not okay and have I said these things to others????
(Side Note: I know the song she was talkign about and I hate it with a passion but I think I love that she thought of me)
Liv said she was on the verge of tears. What? Thinking about my problems brought her close to tears??? Why?? That suggests that she cares a lot about me and I don't get it.
Okay. WOw, do I suck or what?
People DO love me, I know that. My mom, my dad, my sister, Lily, Laney, Alexis, Liv... I think.
I can understand the family love, but I'm really a horrible friend. Like lately, I've barely been answering Lily or Laney. And I don't want to hang out with them, either. I just don't want to be around people.
I'm fine and everything, but... Something's wrong. And I can't figure out what it is. I really do feel fine! Maybe I just don't like people.
I don't understand myself. I'm confused and tired and I don't know how to answer her.
I don't want to argue with her and deny everything that she said. That might drive Liv away. She even managed to do it in a non-cheesy way. That or I've just grown to appreciate a certain amount of cheese.
Okay. Goodnight, I guess. I'm...so confused. Maybe I should just say thank you.
Reading that text makes me feel kind of pathetic, though. How am I still in this place? I'm better than I was before, but at this point, am I even making progress?
The only reason I'm still suffering is because of myself. I have no one else to blame. But I don't know how to fix anything. It'd probably help to talk to people but my stubborn self just... can't.
I know it sounds easy, but whenever I have the opportunity, the emotions miraculously disappear and anything other than the moment I'm contained in feels insignificant. It doesn't mean I become suddenly content, but I just cannot find the driving force of my troubles when I need to.
When I do feel it again, I just disappear. I hide inside myself until it goes away. The thought of talking about it just seems unsavory.
Gosh, am I weak? Is that it? Am I just weak? Unwilling? Letting myself believe in lies?
Willful Suspension of Disbelief. I quite like the idea. Maybe this is why.
GOODNIGHT JESUS CHRIST.
I have a headache from all this thinking (and from the slight crying) and so I think I'm just going to go read some more. After all, time keeps fucking going, doesn't it?
That sounded angrier than I intended it to be.