2015-08-09 22:06:06 (UTC)

untitled i think

"La Duchesse Anne" by Grizzly Bear

August 12, 2015 Wednesday 9:32 PM

I don't much feel like writing. And yet, here I am. I had my reasons, but I kinda forgot. Oops.

This week has been good. I've had quite a few questionable thoughts along the way, but I haven't been depressed and I guess that's all I can ask for right now.

Peer on Monday was lovely. I don't want to get into it, though. Thinking about it will make me... I mean, it's a good memory, don't get me wrong. But I can feel rocks in my head.

The way I am now, on the edge, makes any memory subject to change, in the direction of darkness. Never does my brain make it better. I have idealistic ideas, but not memories.

I already tried thinking about how great Peer way yesterday and I just really fucked it up for myself. It's okay now, because I've forgotten what my thoughts had said to me, but I suddenly hated myself and I can still feel that.

I wish I was better at descriptions. It's almost a physical thing. Like something between my muscle and skin. If it were real, it'd probably have tentacles. It's clutching me.

I don't understand how I have friends??? I haven't said much to anyone lately. I don't know if I've ever said anything to anyone, actually.

We went to New York City yesterday. I hate the city. Well, no. I don't HATE it, I just... dislike it. I get nauseas whenever I go there. Besides, it's crowded and smoggy and far away. I've entertained the idea of living in a city one day, but it would probably not be New York.

Anyway, we had to go, because my cousins live on the other side of the country and when else are they going to see the 9/11 memorial?

I've seen it about three times, so I wasn't super excited.

My sister, she was going to take a plane from New York to Illinois. Her flight was about an hour after my cousins (also leaving from the city) so she stayed with them last night. We had to put her suitcase in their rental, which was in a parking garage. Caroline was taking some pictures, because we were on the top floor, when some guy started yelling at her.

He got all up in her face. Was real old with long, scraggly hair. Grease on his fingers. He'd been working on a car in the lot.

He said, "Delete that picture." and accused her of photographing him??? (she was actually taking a photo of my mom, and he happened to be in the distant background, the fucker).

My dad managed to fend him off which was awesome. His arguing tactics are genius and very irritating, haha. It's because he manages to stay perfectly logical the whole time.

I was pretty angry. I'm protective of Caroline and it really pisses me off when people try and hurt her. Like with that "friend" she had a couple years ago. I don't want to get into that, but I ended up getting in an argument with her via Facebook, because she's an asshole.

I didn't say anything to the guy, other than "What's it to you, anyway?!?!" when he said, "I don't care if you are tourists, don't act like it" or something. THAT'S THE DUMBEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD. WHO CARES IF A TOURIST ACTS LIKE A TOURIST AND TAKES PHOTOS??? WHAT THE HELL??? HOW CAN YOU BE THAT JUDGMENTAL??? WHAT ALSO PISSES ME OFF IS THAT WE WERE LEAVING - HE DIDN'T HAVE TO KEEP SAYING STUFF.

My knees were shaking ugh. I hate emotions.

The reason I'm saying all this is because I made an observation following the incident. I don't know if this happens to other people, but in those kinds of stressful situations, nothing feels real to me.

In the moment, it's like I'm dreaming. Afterwards, it's the same. I can list a couple memories like this:

-car accident in 7th grade
-seeing that goddamn black bear

Not a lot, haha.

None of those memories really hurt me, though. The only thing I got from my overdose is the fact that whenever I swallow pills now, I feel like I'm going to throw up (which sucks because that's something I need to do every day).

I wonder if they don't hurt me because they don't feel real???

Okay, whatever. We also went to the 9/11 museum which was expensive as hell and I'm never going back. It was interesting, but still.

After hearing about the towers collapsing, we went up to the top of the Freedom Tower (: (: (:

That's right. As if I wasn't paranoid enough.

It was okay, though, because Caroline was also kinda freaked and we helped each other relax by joking about it. It's a joint coping mechanism and I love it.

OKAY OKAY. So the freedom tower tourist-y observation deck is called One World and their slogan is "SEE FOREVER"

What the hell??? That's so creepy??????

Me and Caroline kept pointing out things that made the whole event seem like it was part of a Dystopian society, ahha. There was a SHITLOAD of "inspirational presentations" with fancy ass graphics. The elevator walls were all screens so as we were going up (my ears popped), it showed the city growing from it's birth to now.

And when we got up there, we watched this presentation and then, as it was ending, the wall we'd been facing rose and revealed - you guessed it - THE NEW YORK SKYLINE! WOOOOOWW! WOW!

Honestly, the whole thing seemed like something from Welcome To Night Vale.

I wish I could've given someone else my ticket. I don't enjoy things like that.

A flashy 1000 foot building with overpriced food (teeny sandwich and two drinks costs thirty FUCKING DOLLARS WHAT). Oh, and they made you pay for seating.

The view got old, too. Am I ungrateful or what? Still. Standing on top of a mountain is better. It's prettier, for one thing. There's only so much to look at in New York. Buildings. Oh look, more buildings. An island. OCean. Boat. Buildings.


The only fun part was speculating on death with Caroline, haha.

Des was annoying as hell. I love her but she was wayyy too close to me. Not even kidding. She does this thing where she sticks her face about an inch away from yours and stays there for awhile, wide-eyed. I WANTED TO SCREAm. But I didn't.

It's okay. I miss her already! I wish I was around family more often. Des thinks I'm cool and I am very into that, yes. But I mean, I also love how excited she is about the world. And she's very smart.

Plus! She likes mythology and she let me tell her my favorite fairy tale (All Kinds of Fur)!!!!!!!!!

On an unrelated note, when I got home last night, I was so tired that I thought April would be there.

Okay. I have to go. I'm tired.

And a bit angry.

I need to rekindle my love for the world.

Not everyone is an angry old man with greasy fingers. Not everyone dies. And I'll probably be okay. My brain will maybe, possibly, stop telling me lies and ruining everything I love?????

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