nerd™

the anger games
2015-08-09 23:33:31 (UTC)

Back to the start again

Aaaand I am back. Yup. Knew i would come back here again.
I've been running in circles. There is no way out.
I am who I am and that will never change.
I will forever be that girl no one knows. The one who pretends all the time. The liar.
Because The thing about chameleoning your way through life is that it gets to where nothing is real and because The habits of years are not unlearned so quickly, i will always be stuck in this soul-less body.
I have told too many lies that i dont even recognise the truth anymore.
This is sick.

I dont know what to do anymore. I tried to write the lies i tell to show myself how much i lie but that's the problem.. I dont really notice it!

I don't know anything anymore. Do i really hate the things i hate or is it just a lie that i got used to? What about the things i love? Is it a lie too?
Did i fake it till i made it?

Sometimes i think about little me. That little girl seems so far away. I can't really remember what it felt like to be me.
But i remember a bit about that girl though.
The girl who could do anything she puts her mind into.
The one who felt like anything was possible.
The energetic girl who just did what felt right.
That girl is long gone. She took a ticket straight to hell and here she sits now, silently burning.

But really, are those really my dreams? Do i want those things i am working for?
Do i really want to spend the rest of my life studying?
Did i choose science over maths because that's what i want or because it's what She wants? Was it the right thing?
Then why do i regret that choice every time i study biology? It's stupid. I feel stupid.
These problems seem so ridiculous!!
It is more complicated in my head! Nobody understands. Not even you Diary.
This makes me sound like a stupid teenager whose biggest dilemma is her homework. But it's much bigger than that.

I have no idea how to put this into words and it's killing me.

Do i really want to get 97%??
Do i really want to be a doctor??
Do i really want to study at all??
Do i really regret not choosing maths?
Did i really want to be an engineer?


Do i really want to live?




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