Well, I had a bad dream last night. Woke up and cried like a freaking fag. I don't recall when the last time I cried. Must've been years. I'm not talking about getting teared up watching some movie. I mean really crying. The weird thing is, the dream itself wasn't bad at all. I'll explain.
I dreamt that I was in a relationship. From what I could tell (again, this was a dream) I was probably in a relationship with this dream person for about 6 months. It wasn't a start of a romance. We knew each other but not yet really deep. So I'm guessing around 6 months.
It was nice. We were just talking about what we were going to do that day. No pervert stuff. Nothing sexual. No kissing. We were just together and deciding what we were going to do that day but the sense of being in love with that person, comforted by the knowledge that this person is with you, got your back, knowing you aren't alone was all I can recall from this dream.
Then I woke up. Then the realization of what my life really is. How I have settled so much in life to not be going for that love of my life but instead just seeking peace and quiet. No drama. No excitement but yet no stress. Stress that you can feel going down your back. Don't need that at all.
My own unconscious mind had to remind me how pathetic my life is. Realizing how my shitty life is just hurt. Really hurt. When you wake up, it takes a few seconds for it all to sink in. What you dreamed and what you wake up to. The mood from one thing to another is just too freaking much for a soul to take.
So, I cried. Cried because I'm so ashamed of what I am now. What I settled for. Realizing that things aren't going to change anytime soon and this is it for awhile. Maybe a long while. Maybe forever till I die. That hope of being with someone in a loving relationship is so out of my mind. I wasn't looking for that anymore. I mean my goal in life was just to not sucked into any drama especially from my ex. I wasn't doing anything bad to anyone. So why do I have to go thru crap when I'm not bothering anyone?
I don't fucking know why my unconscious mind would play such an evil thing on me. I know it's all on me too. I'm so confused. I don't know what's going on right now. I was just content to do my thing without hurting anyone. Avoiding drama is all I was trying to do. But no, I can't even take the quiet way out.
So messed up I called in sick today. Here I sit in my house. Nothing to do and nothing to say. Is this how people go looney? I don't have the urge to go out and get a dozen cats or anything like that yet. I don't talk to plants. I don't have a dog that I dress up or take with me everywhere I go.
I guess this is another freaking bump in the road that I set myself and I need to get over this bump. Another thing for me to take on, accept, and man up to. Not like I have any choice in the matter.
Days like this I wish it was just over already. Not like I'm doing the world any good by being here.