LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2015-08-03 14:43:32 (UTC)

Let's Choke

"Staring At The Sun" by TV on the Radio [you're MAKING ME FEEL THINGS OKAY]

You're staring at the sun
You're standing in the sea
Your mouth is open wide
You're trying hard to breath
The water's at your neck
There's lightning in your teeth
Your body's over me

[this song is sexual??? did not know that. nice (; apparently, it's actually supposed to be about dying, but I mean... read the lyrics. All of them, not the ones I posted. Mine lean towards the death thing]

August 3, 2015 Monday 2:47 PM


I'm going to publish this later, I think. Probably around 9 or 10 PM. I'm only writing now because I don't know if I'll be happy later (I have Peer and sometimes that can bring me down because I'm a stubborn asshole who refuses to share her feelings even when it would be beneficial).

I love sad things so much.

Sorry. That was unrelated.

Okay, so I guess the last time I wrote was Friday. Saturday was okay. It mostly consisted of me switching back and forth between watching The Office (even though I've already watched the whole series), reading amateur stories online, writing a bad fucking amateur story, and playing minecraft.

Honestly, those kinds of days are my favorite. OH SHIT. Wait. That's a lie.

Sam came over Saturday. She asked and I was like, "eh...." because I still am not enthusiastic about the idea of spending time with fellow humans.

Telling her that I'd be quiet and dull the whole time didn't stop her from wanting to hang out, though, so I let her come over.

IT WAS ACTUALLY VERY FUN. I'm happy about that. We only hung out for like five hours, in which we talked a lot. It was fun. I told her about the Winchester House (a mansion built by a lady who was convinced spirits were haunting her and therefore built a nonsensical house in order to confuse them. Building didn't stop until she died).

She told me about Nashville and showed me pictures of her grandpa and cousins.

She showed me a movie called Would You Rather. I predicted the ending in the first five minutes, but watched it anyway. It was really sad. I guess I liked it, though. I'm not a picky movie watcher.

(I think one of the actresses was a porn star, though. I saw her name on the screen and I don't think I watch enough porn to have seen anything with her, but I mean... Yeah. Yeah! It was Sasha Grey! I read something about her a couple years ago. She's very pretty)

I had to turn away and cover my ears at the part where the guy had to cut out his eye, though. As I've said before... Eyes freak me the hell out. I hate the idea of someone hurting your eyes. It sounds like the most painful fucking thing in the world. *shudder*

NO. No. Please leave them alone. I like vision. Do I make sense?? Are my thoughts connecting to one another? Yes.

Saturday night was the whole switching from one electronic to another thing. Later, I heard Caroline and Ethan outside.

It was weird, though, because I went outside and we had this whole conversation. The entire time, I thought Ethan was holding a firework (we bought those little fireworks for fourth of July and Caroline gave the rest to Mr. Sandwich's girlfriend earlier that day, but let me keep one).

He wasn't?? I freak myself out. Sometimes, it feels like my dreams bleed into real life. I said this to my sister and she understood

(It's thundering outside!!!)

We both bonded when I told her that sometimes, I hear disconnected, foreign sentences in my head???

Not like voices. I think I know the difference, thanks to the Seroquel incident last summer (they had me on a too-high dose and I started hallucinating/hearing things after I took it at night).

I just mean, sometimes, I have thoughts that enter my head out of nowhere.

Like, it'll be an old woman's voice saying, "Thomas, did you forget to lock the Garage door again? We don't want the pickles being stolen."

The kind of things that pop into your head when you're dreaming!!! The reason your inner world makes absolute no sense!

ANyway, it's pretty entertaining. I quite like my head sometimes.

I keep freaking myself out, though. Yesterday night, I swear I saw a shadow pass over me. I am primed to be afraid. There is nothing following me. Except for maybe my damn cat.

The kitten snuck into our house a couple times this weekend, too, and it was heartbreaking, having to kick her out. If she keeps coming in, it'll make Keeko feel all unsafe and I don't trust her to not attack the Lil Baby.

At around midnight, I heard cats fighting. I went outside to investigate (I'm pretty sure one of them was Keeko. The other was one either Toby or the kitten.) but I couldn't find anything. I haven't seen the kitten today. I hope she's okay. I haven't seen Toby either, though, so maybe they're just hiding because of the thunder.

Ethan knows Toby the cat. He calls him Gerald.

No. That is wrong, Ethan. His name is NOT Gerald (we don't actually know his name, honestly). He is Toby. He looks like a Toby.

He literally looks exactly like Toby from the office, expression and hair color, everything. TO-BY.

I'm scattered as hell today and mildly stressed because once I finish doing one large task, I'm immediately burdened with another and I can never, never, ever rest or escape and die for just a little while.

Done with APUSH, yes, but now I have to finish two books for ELA. On top of that, my dad is back from Seattle (he was in Spain and then the day after he came back, he went to Seattle for a some science convention).

(Now I'm thinking about Seattle. I've only been once or twice I think?? Before I was born, my family lived there. My mom likes to tell me about the burritos and how they were so big, you couldn't finish them in one sitting. I just remember it being very sunny - it was the summertime. We also went up the Space Needle, that was nice. I'm not a big fan of heights, though, so it kind of made my feet hurt. That book Invisible Monsters, it mentioned that the Space Needle was a building that belonged in a 1950's future and I thought that was lovely and accurate).

Anyway, as we all know, I don't get along with my dad. And lately, he's been stressed as hell (I don't really know why. Maybe because his rich little brother is coming to our house soon).

He's not good at stress, he takes it out on everyone else.

Anyway, I've been on edge since he got back, ready for him to attack me or something. What's stupid is, by being defensive, I am pretty much poking the bear. He gets mad at me for having an attitude without reason. Well, he's right.

I need to chill.

He's a good guy. This is probably just a teen thing.

My mom started complaining as soon as he got back, though. They (my sister, mom) apparently got in a big fight and then he slept for the whole day. He was yelling at them about being lazy.

I don't know what happened, since I had been asleep. Caroline said she hates how he acts so entitled. Yes, he does. Self-righteous and everything, he is.

I suppose that I'm probably just as annoying, though. IT'S RAINING!!! SCORE!!! (New York is so rainy this year, wow)

Anyway, I should go. I have to get read for Peer soon and I should actually finish cleaning my room so my dad doesn't give me an extended talking to.

One of these days, I'm telling you, I'm going to suffocate. The water coming down's going to break my neck.

Lightning. Jesus Christ, that thunder sounded like a collapsing tower..!!!

This makes me very, very pleased. :)

Hail hitting the window, now.

http://be-yondrepair.tumblr.com/post/125005216583

This is one of my favorite things. It accurately describes my view of the world. Let's choke.

Today is a good day.

I change my mind, I'll post this now.


PS: I changed my active picture to one that was already accepted. It's very old - from like freshman year old high school. But I was really tired of that one from Christmas. I deleted it, but it was still there for some reason. I tried uploading new pictures but they never got approved. I e-mailed the diary guy and he never answered. I wonder if he's okay. I haven't noticed any activity from him since he changed the font on this website, but I mean.. ??


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