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"Porno" by Arcade Fire
You can cry, I won't go
You can scream, I won't go
Every man that you know
Would've run at the word go
But the cup it overflows
Little boys with their porno
But this is their world
Where can we go?
Makes me feel like something's wrong with me
Can you see me?
You say love is real
Like a disease
July 28, 2015 Tuesday 2:34 PM
[I didn't mean for this to happen, but the following entry is kind of really depressing so if it triggers you to read that kinda thing, I'd suggest you skip out on this one]
I feel somewhat better. I asked google why I felt disgusting (lame, I know, but I mean, where else did I have to go? haha) and the search came up with Avoidant Personality Disorder. I did a little research and it sucks because I have almost every single symptom. The only one I lack is a bad social life as a child.
I didn't have a lot of friends when I was a kid, and I definitely alienated some of my classmates (defense mechanism, what can I say?) but I'd say I wasn't as afraid.
Well. No, I was very afraid, all the time. But I thought that was because of my untreated anxiety disorder...
I've gotten better but my anxiety isn't being specifically treated because my psychiatrist is still trying to focus on my "bipolar disorder" and depression. Ughhhh.
Pat doesn't like that. She thinks the anxiety is the source of all my damn problems and I fucking agree.
It would suck to find out that I do have a personality disorder. I'll ask Pat about that. It would take years to get past. Ugh.
One of the symptoms was not letting people get close to you and that's basically me??? I'm closest to my sister and I do try to be close to my friends, I'm getting better at it, but I still avoid certain subjects.
And I don't tell them when things are wrong. I don't like showing affection either. I have to work on that ughhh. I hate self-repair, it's so damn hard.
Daylight is nice.
Last night was not. I full out sobbed for awhile (haven't done that since April. The dog, not the month. It was kind of controlled at that time, though, because Ethan and Caroline were there and I didn't want them to see me go crazy haha). I considered doing something bad, but managed to control myself at the last second because I figured it would just bring attention to the fact that I'm not okay.
I considered my options. I thought, "Okay, I could throw myself off a bridge. No, then they'd definitely know it was suicide and the people I love would be all sad and I can't have that. Or maybe I could pretend I slipped off the bridge. I used to consider taking all my pills to the forest and overdosing there, so my family wouldn't have to find my body, but no... nO. I don't want to die.
I could ask to return to the hospital because this is kind of really bad, these thoughts I'm having. I'll wait a couple days. Maybe it was just the pills. If I really start considering doing this kind of shit to myself, I'll tell Pat and I can return to the hospital.
Actually, no. That's not an option. They'll be scared. They'll start asking me where I go every night, they'll start keeping my pills in a locked box again, they'll ask me how I'm feeling in that voice, they'll stare at me when they think I don't notice. They might not let me stay home alone. I do NOT want that.
Okay. So.. I have one choice. Get through it and get through it quietly."
There was my pocket knife next to me, but it's dull and I still have scars on my legs from... who knows how long ago. Probably less than a year. The ones on my arm are still there from two years ago. Barely visible, luckily! I never did it too deep, I think. Good.
I couldn't breathe so I climbed into bed and lay there awhile, trying to calm down, trying not to feel like I just got sucker punched in the stomach.
Liv texted me something important (Polaris is mad at her) and so I called her. On the phone, she couldn't tell I had been crying which was nice. I kinda wanted to tell her but she already has shit to think about and... just no. I don't want to stress anyone out.
People are mad at Liv and I'm generally just upset because... they're all really dumb. They didn't ask Liv her side of the story and everything is dramatic...
God, why don't people try and RESOLVE things??? Me and Alexis were discussing the situation for a couple hours, taking my mind off myself. I considered telling her about how I was feeling... once again, I didn't, haha. How do you even explain that kind of thing? Alexis is worried about her other friends, anyway, and I would just be piling on. Just no. I want to be the stable, trustworthy friend. The one you can go to and be sure they won't collapse under the weight of your thoughts.
I can't be that friend if they see how fragile I am??
I should tell someone. I should tell someone. I don't know who to tell. There are people from Peer who would listen and help me out, but I don't want to cause them trouble and ugh I don't know. Never mind. I'll just... never mind.
Anyway... I feel bad for Liv. I understand why she resents her cousin, Alicia. I don't think it's right, but I understand and I wish more people would. I'm also worried about Alicia. I don't think she's in her right mind right now.
God, I'm stressed. I still haven't done my work. Thinking about it makes me want to stab myself in the temple ughhhh.
On a happier note, Toby (the cat) snuck into our house today. I have no idea how haha. I only knew because Keeko started yowling at him. I couldn't get him out! For like the next hour, Toby tried getting closer and closer to Keeko and she would just yell so loud. She sounded almost human, it was creepy, haha.
They were like half a foot away from one another at some point. Toby looked so happy and then there was Keeko, with flattened ears and her body all close to the ground.
I gave up on trying to get him out and they weren't attacking each other so whatever. He disappeared when I was watching a snapchat with a dog whining in it. He looked at me all afraid and ran away haha.
Ah, Toby. If only I knew your real name.
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