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2015-07-27 21:03:59 (UTC)

Awful Sound

"Awful Sound (Oh Eurydice)" by Arcade Fire [I love the way this song sounds and I love that it refers to a myth... Eurydice is Orpheus's wife. She died when bitten by a viper and he tried retrieving her from the underworld after charming Hades with his beautiful music. The one condition was that he could not look back. He did, and she was taken away. I think they have a version (this one is greek i believe) of this story in the bible with the woman turning into salt and everything.]

You and I were born
In a little town
Before the awful sound
Started coming down

Oh no oh

You came home from school
Knew you had to run
Please stop running now
Just let me be the one

For you

But I know you can see
Things that we can't see
But when I say I love you
Your silence covers me
Oh, Eurydice, it's an awful sound

I was so disappointed
You didn't want me
Oh, how could it be, Eurydice
I was standing beside you
By a frozen sea
Will you ever get free?
Just take all your pain
Just put it on me
So that you can breathe
When you fly away
Will you hit the ground?
It's an awful sound

July 27, 2015 Monday 9:54 PM

I don't know how to begin this. I don't really want to talk about it, but I never want to talk about anything bad and I dunno. I do anyway! I frickin' suck.

Prelude: I am sorry. There are people (there *were* people) who wouldn't want me to feel like this which is why I try to ignore it as much as possible. But I lie to everyone around me and I'm just going to try and ease the pain a bit, today.

Besides, I'm not sad everyday. Well, maybe a bit. But that's why I take the pills! So I can ignore it and... Well, yeah. Ignore it.

So I realized something today and it was kind of really upsetting. I was at peer and I was looking at Adrian and his girlfriend. He was rubbing her arms, right? And I thought to myself, "How does she let him do that? Touch her? Doesn't she feel disgusting? Isn't she afraid that he'll think she's disgusting too?"

(UGHHH this sucks)

Which is when it occurred to me that... other people don't feel like this.

They don't find themselves too disgusting to be touched by other people. And I have been trying to figure this out - why I don't like being touched - for a long time. I think I've known. I just... didn't want to admit it? Because it's embarrassing?

I dunno, maybe I secretly hate myself. Maybe that's why I don't like being around people, because it reminds me that I'm a human in a body.

It could be why I don't like looking in mirrors very often. Why I don't like talking to other people (I always feel paranoid, like they're going to figure something out about me, realize that I'm not right).

Of course, I could just be crazy. I went camping this weekend and I forgot to bring my pills. I didn't feel weird until today.

In peer, my heart was beating incredibly hard the whole time and I couldn't breathe too well, which I don't understand??? I don't know why I was so afraid.

And oh god, I'm so stressed, I have two books to read and my life doesn't belong to me anymore (it never did) and I have an essay to write and friends that want to see me and I just

I want to lie in bed forever. Read and write about someone else's life.

Maybe it's just the pills. Just the pills.

The finding myself gross part is constant, though, I know that much. It gets better sometimes, I think.

Ahh. You know, I think about killing myself sometimes because it would be so much easier than all this. I won't, because I hate the idea of choosing the "easy way out" but... it does sound kinda nice.

Pills, pills, pills. Sleep on it.

I just want to be someone else. Something else. I want to be able to do the things I enjoy without it being tainted with the stress of everything I have yet to do. I guess that's life, though, haha. Deal with it, they say.

I don't know why other people don't feel trapped or alone or something.

I'm such a liar, I'm such a liar. Okay, bye. I'll be better tomorrow, I assure you. Once I start doing things again, I'll feel less stressed, I'll have less time to think...

I don't know what to do about the whole disliking myself thing. It's been with me for years?? Listing things I like about myself won't help much but I have to try, right?

I like my eyes. I like the color of my skin, sometimes (other times, I wish I was paler). I like my lips sometimes, and my nose occasionally. My feet are okay. I like my hands. My boobs are okay.

As for my personality, I like how empathetic I am. I like how much I can love people. I like the way I see things. I like my dreams. I like my sense of humor. I like my taste in music.

I think this actually made me feel worse because it was so hard to do. Greaaat. Seriously, I'm okay, I'm okay. I'm okay.