All that is
My first week post rr and i've pissed it away. Realising what I've always known. That time isn't the problem it's making good use of that time that's the key. discipline. that i lack. with food, exercise, play, structure.. Then there's fear. I feel paralysed by it. It's something i seriously have to overcome. even the simplest tasks. The best way i cann think of putting it is that I'm so excited by all this free time that I suddenly have, but at the same time overwhelmed by all it's possibilities and all the things I know i could be doing with it, then I'm catapulted into a spiral of anxiety when those things aren't done. I cannot prioritise. which to do first? I want to do this project I've semi began exploring. yet i know that first things first in terms of practicality, i must make progress in securing an income. however the thought of even going back to something of an office structure frightens me to no ends, that I just put it off. But then because I know that first things first, I cannot bring my self to begin the reserach required to begin feeding and growing and enriching this project. I'm hopeless. I feel hopeless. I'm out of control too, it's a delicate line to navigate, i feel like i'm one more Kellogs crunchy nut bowl away from an episode of depression. two months from now, my story could change drastically. I know I say 'what's the worst that cold happen? i'd move back to bristol' but that's not just moving back to bristol, it's the feeling of regression and the difficulty in coming back to London. In bristol what the fuck would I do? Speaking of kellogs, i actually sat today and googled (amongst all the other shit i've been googling), 'why is kellogs crunchy nut so addictive?' I couldnt find an answer, but that wasn't the point to be honest. I just needed others to relate to. I mean it was half price and all, I bought a massive box and I've almost finihsed half of it since yesterday. I swear i can feel it in my lower intestine too. like wtf. after reading that it contained more sugar than a can of coke, I resolved to tie it up in the black bin liner in my room - yes my room, because that's where i would sit, with all the appropriate paraphanelia, milk etc, wolfing it bowl after bowl - but not before going for one (or three) last frenzied top ups, literally as if it were about to run away from me. What's happening to me?
I'm lonely too. I'm craving human interaction. I wonder how O must feel. So I whats-app Cm as a sort of semi-last resort, since the new, true object of my affection keeps leaving me in a mess. I send him an emoji, knowing he'd bite. bless him. he responds, asking whats up with my profile pic. I say nothing deep, I was feeling myself is all. He asks if he can just call me. i say ye. he calls. after asking me about my day etc, i ask about his, and he says 'i don't wanna bore you with company shit', then proceeds to bore me with company shit. i listen and wait for him to finish. he almost finishes but then launches into an even longer, more passionate work-related tirade about some other ventures he runs back home, and some deals he's trying to set up. hearing him talk about that stuff - setting deals up, who he was going to hook up etc, used to make me smile with pride. now it's just irritating. as i see it as a symptom of his major flaws - money before all else. literally. money money money. Dunno whether I'm being unfair, but it's the way it manifests itself in everyday life - you're stingy and you'd sooner sell your arm than help out a mate who needed u in that way. So i got irritated speaking with him, and hearing him just go on about things that I didn't give two shits about. Then I did what I always do, when i want to leave him with that ambiguous feeling. I begin asking an important question that I don't bother finding the words to better articulate, and then 'out of a loss for words' I breezily 'say never mind, i have to go.' He of course says 'no wait, it sounds like an important question, just ask it' and I pause for a few, and pretend to be engaged in something else while he waits (patiently might i add). eventually give it another go and this time make more of an effort to articulate myself. I fail again and he says ' are you asking if I'm only doing it for the money...' then proceeds to tell a story which in my fucking opinion does nothing to buttress his claim of not doing it for money. He's so full of shit. Now i"m angry, but the kind of anger that's tinged with guilt. I feel like crying, because I know that he means well and right now is perhaps one of my few true friends if not my boyfriend.
So who is this person that's captured my (yet to be expressed) affections? Some dude. The fucker has a girlfriend, hows about we begin there, aye? In my defence I only found out the last time we met (whcih was the second time). Funnily enough he has the same surname as cm, ad is also in the same field of work. He's intelligent, funny, easy going, and a total catch. He's black. I don't want to say that that's a large part of the interest, but I think it could well be. why? Here's why:
1. I've never fucked a black guy. Juan salvador doesn't count since he's black latino. I'm talking black african - from the continent or from the caribbean..
2. Every time i've imagine having sex recently - which has been a lot lately, it's with him (or some other black guy). no other. but that's really more because of my mind, than with anything external - whenever I'm into someone I start visualising all kinds of sexual fun i could get up to with them, if only time would speed up to the point where we've both put away the facade.
3. I want a black/african husband or partner. the older i become, the more that being black, and being african in the western-dominated world that we live in is a huge part of my day to day life - where I work, what I choose to do for work, who I speak with, my friends. A lot of my experiences are shaped by external responses received from a largely white society, and I need to be with someone who understands that. I need to be with someone who I wouldn't think twice about expressing my social injustice frustrations to.